Thursday, May 5, 2011

Walking a tight rope (and falling off the rope) / 186.8

For me, a fat woman trying to become a normal, mentally balanced woman and be at a healthy weight, my life is like walking a tight rope, and I keep falling off the damned rope.

My last post on Saturday was about enjoying food. Well guess what? Stupid, stupid, stupid idea! I went crazy, trying new recipes, all Weight Watchers or from weight loss blogs. There are many wonderful recipes out there that are healthy. The trick, though, is to eat just one portion. When the food is delicious and I really enjoy it, I struggle with the portion size.

I made Weight Watcher Chicken Tortilla Soup from the new Weight Watchers cookbook (from Costco). I've had the book for months, since the PointsPlus program came out. I hadn't even cracked it open. The soup is wonderful, but a serving is 1 1/4 cups with 1/5 of an avocado. Not three cups with a whole avocado!

I tried several other recipes since Saturday. I've been a cooking machine. I've also been an eating machine.

Sometimes, I'm my own worst enemy. I get what I think are brilliant ideas that lead to my downfall. It's very frustrating.

Wednesday's weigh-in at my at-work Weight Watchers meeting was 186.8. Tell me, who belongs to TWO Weight Watcher groups and actually GAINS weight?! Oh, right, that would be ME.

Good grief, what is wrong with me?

Okay, so enough with the self-pity? What's next on my agenda? How am I going to turn this around, and quickly?

1. Back to exercising. That's right, in the last four days during my cooking/eating frenzy, I decided I was too tired/lazy/bored/busy to get my butt to the gym. What the hell was that about? As soon as I hit the "publish post" button on this post, I'm out the door and to the gym.

There's a little kink in my plan. I'm officially on vacation starting today and through next week. I'm leaving for Fairbanks tomorrow to visit my sister. My 72-year old sister, the gym rat. The one that goes to the gym five days a week, every week.

Sadly, she's recovering from pneumonia and hasn't been to the gym for seven days. It's unlikely she'll be returning soon since she was really sick. I have to figure out how to get in exercise while I'm visiting. She has a treadmill at home (that she never uses), so as much as I hate the treadmill, I might have to get on the thing. If the weather is good, I could walk outside, but she lives out in the middle of no where (thirty miles from Fairbanks), and walking by myself is a tiny bit scary. I'll just have to figure this out.

2. Food - gosh, what can I say here that hasn't been said a thousand times on this blog about me and food? There's just no way around it, I have to really limit what and how much I eat. This isn't a free-for-all. I can't eat just because I "think" I'm hungry. I can't eat how much I really want to eat. I know what a portion size looks like, I know how to eat healthy. I know what to order when eating out. None of this is new to me.

3. Mindset - Exercise and food are of course the key to losing weight, but more important is having your head in the game. If I don't have that, nothing else matters. I have to be 100% in the game. Period. Doing this halfway, not giving it my all just doesn't work.

My one saving grace here is my sister is a health nut. She's been one for decades, before it was really popular. She's been making her own homemade, whole wheat bread for over twenty years. She eats like a bird and oddly, is never hungry (I sometimes wonder if we're even related!).

The only bad junk in her house is for all the grandkids, yes, she has cookies and candy for the grandkids. She never touches the stuff, but it's there for the kids. This is going to require major willpower. 

I won't be posting until I get back, next week on Thursday. Of course, lately, that's sort of normal posting for me. Once or twice a week. I really need to pick that up a bit. :)

Awesome things

I leave you with a few "awesome" things in my life. The guy that wrote 1,000 Awesome Things was on the Today show a couple days ago. It got me to thinking that even though as much as I complain about my life, there are lots of awesome things that happen to me every day. I wrote out some of the earlier this week, intending to post them, but I never got around to it. Speaking of the word "awesome", it sort of annoys me because it's so overused. Regardless, these things were pretty awesome to me.

Diana's short list of awesome things this week:

Written on Tuesday, May 2:

1. Talking to my sister in Fairbanks on my way to work today. Discussing how I'll be in Fairbanks this Friday and staying for a week, and how we can't wait to see each other. I just LOVE her!

2. Arriving at work and a group of my favorite people from another team are in the lunchroom. We chat for about ten minutes. One guy that's hysterically funny and has always had a beard says "well, if I shave all this off I'll look like a hairless cat". Cracked me up because I could totally picture him as a giant, hairless cat (he's 6' 4").

3. Last night, reading this on my niece's Facebook page, posted by a male friend of hers: Nothing like killing a terrorist leader to get people to shut the hell up about the royal wedding. So true!

4. At first, I was a little disturbed by all the celebration over bin Laden's death. Of course I'm glad that he's no longer on this planet, but the dancing in the streets over the death of another human being didn't feel right to me. Then I read how the United States handled bin Laden's burial, and I smiled to myself. Even though bin laden was a dreadful, evil person, the United States handled his remains with dignity. It made me proud to be a citizen of the United States.

From the Chicago Beacon-News article:

Bin Laden’s body was taken to an aircraft carrier, the USS Carl Vinson, and his burial quickly was done in accordance with Islamic custom. His corpse was washed, then wrapped in a white sheet and placed in a weighted bag, according to news reports. As a U.S. military chaplain read religious rites, which were translated into Arabic, the body was placed on a board, tipped up and dropped into the North Arabian Sea.

5. Last Friday, taking my favorite kitty, Mickey, to the vet because he was doing a weird drooling thing and acting odd. He's never drooled and he acted like he didn't feel good. This is the same cat that four years ago had a 106 degree fever in the middle of one of the worst snowstorms ever. I made my husband drive through foot deep snow on the I5 freeway so we could take Mickey to the emergency vet, where after fluids and a $1,200 vet bill, he was fine.

At the vet visit Friday, she told me all the things that could be wrong with Mickey: kidney failure, some weird kitty virus that can cause death (drooling is a sign), and numerous other things I can't even pronounce. All of them with devastating consequences. He's only six years old. He's my baby. After taking his blood, and waiting 24 hours for the results (and I was just sure he was dying), I get the phone call. All results were perfect. He's perfectly healthy, perhaps just a cold. That could cause the drooling.

6. Waking up this morning with my kitty, Mickey, sitting on my chest and staring at me, purring (and not drooling anymore!).

7. Getting this comment from Christine on my post about Marianne Williamson's stupid weight loss book. This made me laugh out loud:

Christine said:
I bought the book and went with a friend to see her speak. She's a self-indulgent, pompous loon who talks down to people. What she says makes no sense and I agree with your assessment of her book. Don't waste your time reading it. 

8. Walking in the sunshine at noon with a work friend. Everything is emerald green from all the rain the past several months (the rain which I've cursed every day for at least six months). All the trees are budding out and our walk down the Des Moines Creek Trail near work was gorgeous. We saw a bald eagle soaring above us with six tiny birds chasing it and acting like they were trying to attack it. The eagle could have cared less, they were like little pesky mosquitoes to him. The eagle's wing span was a least eight feet across. Beautiful.

9. Truly awesome thing for today, May 5:  waking up and knowing I was off work for eleven days. Woohoo!


bbubblyb said...

Have a wonderful visit with your sister. I say just try to have some peace. Do things that feel good and right to you. I know for myself I sure know when I'm out of control with food. Even when I'm eating more (of the right types of foods) than I should as long as I do it controled and in good spirits usually the scale is kind to me. I think we both know every calorie of everything so I think just being mindful of how much you are eating is a big key. The other big key I think is stress, so just enjoy your days off. I'd definitely go for the walks outside if the weather is good, I bet it will make you feel wonderful, way way better than a dreadmill, as I call it lol. *hugs*

Deniz said...

Hi Diana,

Hmmm, seems like I'm struggling with the same issues as you along the darned tightrope.

Yes, I know we are not alone, and that some of the other weight loss stalwarts seem to be struggling too at the moment - but it doesn't really help, does it. Both of us know that we are the only ones who can do it for ourselves.

For me... got to get back to when 'weight loss' drove my mindset - where eating properly (and moderately) and sensible exercise levels were part and parcel of everyday life.

I'm not there at the moment (haven't been for a long while, if I'm honest) and have, of course, gained weight - . I am not happy with it and not happy with 'me' because I did it to myself.

However, I won't give up and I know you won't either. We will get where we want to be... and stay there!

Have a RELAXING and very deserved break, and enjoy time with your sister.

kristi said...

Hang in there girl, I stress and I eat. And I stress a lot!! Have fun with your sis!

Helen said...

My first thought regarding the soup was that I would probably have eaten at least 1 1/2 to 2 cups and 1/4-1/2 an avocado. What you need to get through your very smart brain is that there is nothing wrong with that! Just because someone says a serving is such and such does not mean that is a good serving for you. It's OK to adjust these things... and then you adjust the rest of your eating for the day instead of beating yourself up because you wanted more food!

I agree with bbubblyb: try to do things that bring you peace. Enjoy the trip with your sister and concentrate on all those good things.

hopefulandfree said...

Your #8 makes me SMILE. The eagle doesn't mind the little birds--in fact could eat them for a snack--but just continues to fly and do its own thing, live free. LOVE IT. There's a great inspiration for me in nature, and in creatures like that eagle; I learn so much about how to simply BE, without needing to analyze and judge everything...hence the "free" in my name. :)

Heard a great quote that took me a long while to understand: "What's looking is what you are looking for." Your eagle story made me think of that. The eagle is not self-conscious, only conscious of everything but its SELF. So, it lives in perfect freedom.

I hope your trip is wonderful!

Sea Veg said...

Your comments are so help full for me. walking is the best exercise for reducing weight. As soon as possible i will touch with you.

The title of this post is a joke, there's no new me. It's just the same old me, doing the same old stuff. Just for fun, I went back...