Sunday, June 19, 2011

Buck up Buttercup

I'm starting to get over the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I'll get through this thing at work. At least I have some time to figure it out. It's not like I'm suddenly out of work. I really do love the company I work for and the thought of leaving it hurts my heart. Leaving is just one option, there are others. I just have to figure it out. It's at the very top of my list of things I'm worried about. Like I needed another one.

My husband and I talked about it today. He kept telling me it would be okay, that we'd figure it out (I think he meant "I'd" figure it out, but he said "we" out of kindness). Even though I know that's true, it will be okay, it's hard to believe it at the moment.

I made it to the gym today, after I made a new playlist on my iPod. It wasn't my best workout, but focusing on how fast I could go on the StairMaster really helped, at least for the thirty minutes I was on it.

I didn't do weights because all three weight rooms were packed with men. Usually I don't mind that much, and usually it's not that busy. It was 6pm and I couldn't understand why all those young men weren't out on dates on a Saturday night. Anyway, today I just didn't feel like lifting weights surrounded by men. I always wonder why there aren't more women at the gym on Saturday nights.

New music really helps with my workouts and my mood. The top five songs are new as of today, then down to 22 were on my May playlist, and the last eight, well, they're from my top 25 most played on my iPod (and yes, Poker Face, Hot Mess and Fake It are there). Fake it. I guess that's what I need to do for now.

June 2011 playlist:

I know it's probably not what most almost 56-year old women listen to, but this music really helps me keep up the intensity of my workouts.

Now if only I can sleep tonight. It's past midnight, and I'm wide awake. For the past week when I do actually fall asleep I've been plagued by nightmares. Last night I was killing animals. I smashed a baby turtle's back and decapitated him (I was crying in my dream), and then I tried to killed an old raccoon with a brick. If you know me at all, I love animals. I would never, ever harm an animal. I'm the one that stops my car on the street for a squirrel to cross, backing up traffic. The dreams are vivid and horrible and feel very real. After the baby turtle dream I woke up crying. It was just a dreadful dream, one I can't get out of my head.

I guess I have to try to sleep. I wish I could just turn off my brain.


Roxie said...

I hope you were able to get a peaceful, good night's sleep, Diana.

safire said...

I'm so sorry for this news. I hope everything works out. Change is scary but not always a bad thing. My boyfriend's mentality is that everything works out in the end!

Helen said...

Obviously all the stress is coming out in your dreams.

Things will work out and who knows, maybe even for the better. But I know it's damn hard to be going through it. If you can manage to hang in there and not try to analyze too much at once, I'm sure clarity will be forthcoming

SoonToBeSkinny said...

Everything will work out in the end, it is just a job and there will be plenty more if you choose to leave.

And try and de-stress, put yourself first ! Try yoga, or take a hot bubble bath before bed. Hopefully that will relax you and you can forget about your worries until the morning.

bbubblyb said...

How are you? Hope you're doing ok, thinking of you, hugs.

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