Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Going to hell in a handbasket

I haven't blogged for so long that when I went to sign in this morning I hesitated for a moment because I couldn't remember my password. I've thought about blogging, but when things aren't going well, I don't like to blog about it.

I had been blogging for months about how poorly I'm doing with trying to lose weight. Same shit, different day. I know it must be boring to read, and it sure is boring to write about too.

I was called this at 3:40 a.m. today with a severity one work issue. Sev 1's mean it has to be resolved within 30 minutes or a conference phone bridge is opened, and managers and directors from several areas of IT get on the bridge. It's not at all fun. In fact, it's downright stressful to the bone. Especially when you're the one in the hot seat trying to resolve the problem. In the past two weeks, I've had five Sev 1 calls, and several sev 2's (almost as bad, but not quite). That's unheard of, but it happened. The problem this morning turned out to belong to another team. Thank you Jesus. Really, I mean it.

About the diet and exercise, well, since I haven't been blogging it should be obvious that it's not going well. In fact, it's going horrible. Each day I get up with new resolve, and each day I fail. A lot of my problems are coming from work. I have added responsibilities since two people left our team (without added pay, I might add). The responsibilities aren't temporary until more people are hired, they are permanent (did I mention no additional pay). It adds a whole new layer of stress at my work, and I see it coming out in my eating and exercise habits.

I don't have time for snacks at work. I barely have time for lunch and definitely no time for a walk at lunch. I'm so exhausted that my six days of working out have fallen to three. I haven't tracked my food, although I try to eat healthy most of the time, I'm still eating too much. I have eaten candy and cookies in the last week, which is something new for me. In the past three and half years my binge foods have been chicken breasts or too much fruit or something else relatively healthy.

The only thing that might save me is I have vacation starting Thursday. I'm going to Fairbanks to see my sister (and the rest of the family, but mainly my sister). My niece (my brother's daughter) and her family are flying up from New Jersey on July 4. I haven't seen her in over twenty years. Long story about my brother's first marriage, and now his daughter wants to reconnect with the family. I've talked to her and her husband on the phone several times in the past two weeks, and I'm really looking forward to seeing her and meeting her husband and 10-year old daughter in person.

I spent a lot of time one summer in 1974 with her mother (my brother's first wife and his best one...he's on #3 now) while my brother was working up on the North Slope in Alaska (trans-Alaska pipeline days). We had a blast together that summer. Tammy, my niece, sounds exactly like her mother.

Anyway, the good thing about the trip is binge eating isn't an option at my sister's house. Plus it'll be a distraction from work, which I desperately need. I'll be gone for twelve days. Woohoo!

In the meantime, starting today, I'm going to get back on the straight and narrow. It's 4:40am and I'm going to get off the computer and get dressed for the gym, and be there when they open at 5am.

Today I'm going to drink all my water, even if that means I'll have to go to the bathroom a lot. I've even stopped drinking water because I don't have time. Wow, that sounds really crazy and insane when I write it. Too busy to drink water? This has got to stop. Now. Here. Today. I have to come first, the job has to come second.

Last thing, I haven't weighed in days. That's never a good sign. I'll get on the scales this morning, and document my weight. I'm pretty sure it's up since my size 16's felt snug yesterday. A sure sign things are amiss.

Tonight, I'll make time to read some blogs. That's another thing I stopped doing. Another sure sign things are going to hell.

New day, new attitude. I'm not going down without a fight. :)


safire said...

I hope everything is ok and you enjoy your vacation the end of this week. I'm like you and when I neglect blogging, I'm most likely not watching my food and exercise. The important thing is you are facing the music and not letting it turn into a downward spiral!

Helen said...

I'm reading this and my first thought is that you are trying to be perfect with eating and exercise and sleep and everything else in the midst of what has been quite a stressful time.

Perhaps a shift in how you approach all that would help you to make it through without destroying all your progress. For example, since you know you aren't going to have time for snacks or a decent lunch, why don't you eat a big healthy breakfast that will hold you for many hours? And, I'm just going to be blunt and beg to differ with you about the snacks. If you have time to reach for candy and cookies, you have time to eat something more calorie valuable.

Of course, only YOU can do this. But again, being more flexible would mean that you are doing the best you can for the circumstances you're in.

I hope your vacation is wonderful and that you are able to sort some of this out!

bbubblyb said...

I'm so happy to hear you have vacation coming and will get a break from work. It really does seem that work is your biggest issue these days. You are right you have to put yourself above work. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

You have amazing strength and resolve and I have no doubt you will reign things in. This does sound like an incredibly challenging time with your job that would give anyone a run for their money! So much stress, and a nice break with family in your home state can only do you the world of good. Enjoy!

Dawn said...

Can I just say....and I'm really REALLY not being critical - I know how hard it is just to keep on going. You are having a tough time of it at the moment but you are wrong about one thing.You assume because things are hard going ....that therefore it must be boring to read about. It just isn't; The only blogs I ever find boring to read are endless lists of foods eaten that day with no other news. I find blogs of people on the same journey as me really fascinating and I regularly learn loads from all kinds of blogs. If you DIDNT blog when times were hard it would make the rest of us feel we are alone when its tough for us. I love your blog because its real. Having followed you through these tough days will make celebrating your victories down the road even sweeter.

Janell said...

I hope things get better soon. A vacation is definitely in order.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Wow, that much stress is never a good thing when it comes to trying to get on board for healthy eating and exercise. Stress tends to make us all make poor decisions; good luck overcoming the work hurdles, and glad to see you back to blogging. :)

Alan (Pounds Off Playoff) said...

Hang in there Diana!!!

Rebecca said...

I admire you for never giving up. Hang in there!

lindalou said...

Never commented before, but always read your blog.
Was reading Bob Greene's latest "20 years younger" book and thought about you when he was describing cortisol as a stress response in our body and how high levels really make it difficult to lose weight. Stress....it sucks !