Saturday, June 18, 2011

Struggling with life / 189.2

This continues to be my theme for the last several months. Today is no different.

Yesterday something really awful happened at work. It has to do with me and my future with my company. I'm not fired or anything like that, but my current position will be phased out in about two years. This means I absolutely must make some major decisions about my future. A different career path with the same company (almost 28 years here) or perhaps a different company. I'm almost 56 years old and this is very scary.

I've known this was coming for about a year and even though I knew it, I tried not to think about it. Yesterday I decided to have a heart to heart about it with my manager and talk through what we'd briefing touched on in a meeting about a year ago. It did not go well.

I left work early and cried all the way home. I still have a lump in my throat and continue to feel I'm right on the edge of crying. She only stated the truth, so I don't fault her. It's something I have to figure out. I have options at work, but I don't like any of them.

My sweet husband called me as I was on my drive home. I was stuck in horrible Friday traffic. When he called, I'd been crying, and then burst into tears again. He was very sweet and tried to comfort me, telling me it would all work out. I appreciated it, but this is really my problem, and it's a huge one. I have to figure it out.

He came home with flowers and Chinese takeout for dinner. I haven't eaten Chinese food in over three years. It wasn't delicious and even though I ate some of it (beef and broccoli and some chow mein noodles, two steamed pork stickers) it was like I couldn't taste it. I followed it up with two sugar-free Klondike bars. Again, the food was just tasteless.

The only positive side effect of me being extremely stressed out and worried is that I don't want to eat. If it's just a little annoyance or general sadness, I want to eat. If I'm happy, I want to eat. If it's a horrific, life-changing event (and this feels like one to me), then I don't want to eat at all. I just feel like I want to curl up and die.

It's almost 2pm here and it's 56 degrees with dark skies. It rained all night and looks like it's going to start again any minute. This weather perfectly fits my mood.

It's almost like I have analysis paralysis. This situation seems so overwhelming that I can't seem to take the steps to figure it out. Number one of course, is to update my resume. Number two is figure out what the hell I want to be when I grow up.

I have to get really serious about losing weight. The thought of looking for a job at my current weight of 189 is horrifying. At least I don't have to start looking today, but I need to start working on a plan now, not two years from now.

I'm going to the gym now. I'm sure that will help. First I need to download some new tunes on my iPod.

I'll be okay.


Roxie said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is my belief that something better is in the future for you, but I know that doesn't provide much comfort right now.

You don't have to decide on anything today. Just take good care of yourself.

Brooke said...

Oh, sweet Diana. . . I am terribly sorry for the struggles you are in right now. I really am. It's hard enough to struggle with weight issues without other HUGE struggles being thrown into the equation. You hang in there. I've watched you before. . . you're amazing and I have every faith in you and your potential!! Hang on.

Carrieheff said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is not YOUR problem. You are married! Let your husband in on this. It might bring you closer. And, I firmly believe when things like this happen it's God's way of getting you into a better situation. I know you can't see it now, but thing will get better. {{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

bbubblyb said...

I'm so sorry Diana, I do understand what you're going through since after 22 yrs I feel in a similar situation. I think you have the right thoughts in mind to update your resume and yes figure out if this is a time to move on to something new. You will be ok you are right. I think you are a beautiful smart woman and I think whatever you do people around you will see that. *hugs*

Dawn said...

Oh I can only imagine how horrible that would feel. We work in very similar fields you and I and I know my job has been uncertain over the last year and I also know if I had the same news you did, I would feel exactly the same. ...and I would cry all the way home too.
Part of what started me dieting was the looking into 2011 and wondering if looking for a new job would happen this year. I wish I could say something helpful and useful, but I do hope the path forward becomes clearer and happier for you

The title of this post is a joke, there's no new me. It's just the same old me, doing the same old stuff. Just for fun, I went back...