How did I let this happen!? 197.0

The post below "Happy to be home" was suppose to have been published last night but I guess I forgot to hit the publish button.

Yesterday when I weighed in first thing in the morning I was 196.2. This morning I was 197! What the heck is happening?! I thought I ate carefully yesterday, but I didn't write down anything. I guess I ate more than I thought. I slept horribly last night, tossing and turning, waking up several times.

Seriously, I really can't believe I let this happen to myself. I'm almost up to 200 pounds. I feel awful, mentally and physically.

I went to the gym this morning, 30 minutes elliptical (thought I was going to die!), and 40 minutes weights. Looking at myself in the gym mirrors was pretty horrifying. I kept asking myself over and over, why did you do this to yourself? My face looks distorted, and my body looks like I'm wearing a fat suit.

There's really not much to say about the situation I got myself into with my weight. I'm going to have to work really hard to get it off again. It's sort of like my worst nightmare is coming true. Now I'm awake and I'm living the nightmare of obesity, again.

My plan today is to document every bite I eat. A very boring task, but it's the only thing that works for me. 

I'm off to work now, as soon as I find something to wear. Finding something that fits is going to be challenging. The size 16's in my closet are probably going to be really tight. Letting this happen to myself was probably the most unkind thing I could do. If I didn't know better, I would think that maybe I hate myself. Why else would I chose to make myself so miserable?

Comments

Lyn said…
I do think there is some self-hatred/self-abuse that ties into binge eating for some of us. It did for me. It is a hard issue to work through.

I know how you feel Diana. I got to 198 before I was sufficiently horrified and started losing again. You sound ready. I am rooting for you! One of these days, probably on the very same day (since we seem to mimic each other's journey lately) we will both reach our goal weights!
Elaine said…
I think you'll find those vacation pounds will come off as quickly as they went on, assuming you get right back on track. At least this has been my experience. Then you'll settle at your baseline pre-vacay weight, and the hard work begins. I have gained weight recently, and hate the feeling, and so I fully appreciate your discomfort. Take heart; you took off the weight once, you can do it again. I'm saying this as much for myself as for you. And, thank you for the reminder to write everything down that I eat. I rarely do this (which is telling, I think), and then I'm surprised when I either don't lose, or worse, gain after a day of what I thought was healthy eating. Good luck!
Katie J said…
Diana you will get things back in check. I have faith that you can do this. You have been through a lot of changes lately which I think have contributed to your unsettledness but now that you are back from your family visit, it is time to focus on YOU and YOUR goals. YOU DESERVE IT!
Carrieheff said…
I wish I could say something to help you, but I'm in the same boat right now. I just know that you can do it. YOu've done it before and you can do it again. I have faith in you!!
Anonymous said…
Dianne, I have been in the same boat, gaining wt at about 2 lbs a week, until I gained back 20Lbs of the 30 I had lost. Finally I stopped beating myself up and decided to just maintain. Even tho I didn't think I was eating that much, I started tracking every bite and realized I was. Right now my goal is to stabalize and not gain any more. I felt so out of control. This seems to be working and I plan to start losing again in a couple of weeks, but my goal here was to stop the maddness and the beating myself up....Hang in there. You'll get your weight back off.
Dawn said…
I'm sorry you are struggling - it IS HARD. All of us know how hard it is, all of us have been there. All I can say id when you're gaining and when you're eating the wrong foods its even HARDER to get back on track. One week from now, after a a week doing the right things, all the right things and it wont feel nearly so hard. The worst hard will be past. Just shut out of your mind the longer journey, and concentrate on getting this week really really brilliantly done. When you're there the view of the rest of this journey will feel better, easier and more likely - I promise it will x
Will be here cheering you on
Dawn
Ida said…
I know the feeling. Since I hurt my knee and haven't been able to walk, I have let everything, and I mean EVERYTHING go. Lat time I weighed I was at 187. Not good at all. I am hoping that when I am back on my feet, I can start all over at the beginning and get to my goal weight this time.
WE CAN DO THIS!!

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