Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Dear God, please let me have a break

Thank you for all your kind comments on my last post. Each and every one of them touched my heart. Especially as I read them while sitting by my sister's side as she slept. They meant a lot to me.

I'm home. It was the most intense and emotional twelve days of my entire life. I've never cried so hard nor felt so much emotional pain. Even losing my mother six years ago wasn't this difficult.


My beautiful, vibrant and very active sister had what was originally a mild stroke two weeks ago and then later classified as a catastrophic event. She's completely paralyzed on the right side, unable to walk, read, write or speak anything other than mutterings that no one can understand. Yet she is still completely cognizant of everything that's happening, can answer yes/no questions and has use of her right side.

She's given up and is refusing all food. I had a lot of good visits with her before I left on Sunday, but I knew it was most likely the last time I'd see her. My niece said my sister is not only shaking her head no when offered food, but now she's covering her mouth with her left hand. Yet she still drinks water so this will probably go on for weeks.

My one niece and her husband have moved into my sister's house with her and plan on staying with her for at least the next three weeks. Since she's becoming weaker each day, this probably won't last three weeks.

Sadly there was a lot of family drama due to another very close relative that was going through some sort of mental breakdown before this happened, and during the past week they spun out of control. I've never been in the presence of someone suffering with mentally illness. It was another nightmare on top of the nightmare my sister was going through.

Even though it was horrible seeing my sister so disabled and knowing her choice to slowly commit suicide by starving herself to death, I will always value those wonderful moments with her. Often it was just the two of us and we laughed ourselves silly. We had a really good time together, especially when it was just the two of us. Some people couldn't bare to be in the room with her, I couldn't bare to not be in the room with her.

Three of my family members called me yesterday and told me they were diagnosed with strep throat. I've had a sore throat, terrible stomach pains, and the worse headaches of my life during the last four days. I thought it was all stress induced. As today progressed, I continued to feel worse. Finally at 4pm I went to the urgent care clinic and yes, I have strep throat too. I have a horse-sized bottle of Amoxicillin.

The only positive thing I can say is my weight is 173.4. The truth is that I really don't care about my weight right now. Everything I was so worried about, my weight, my clothes, my hair -- in the scheme of life it's all a bunch of trivial crap.

When I got home Sunday night I decided to stop taking Ambien. The last two nights I've been rewarded with some of the worst nightmares of my life. Full of death and violence. Both nights I woke myself up screaming (and my husband). I don't know if this is some sort of Ambien withdrawal or if it's from those twelve days of hell in Fairbanks. Whatever it is, it's scaring me and really interrupting much needed sleep.

19 comments:

Diandra said...

So sorry to read all this... I hope you come out the other side okay. Lots of good wishes for your sister.

Helen said...

I'm sorry that you are just under it all right now and really sorry that it is taking a toll on your and your family. Try to remember to be kind to yourself in the midst of all this.

Deniz said...

Diana, I'm so sorry for you and for your sister. Take good care of yourself and cut yourself some slack. You need to get some rest to be strong. Hugs, Deniz

Ida said...

There are no words I can say that will change how things are, so I will hold you close and pray for you.

Mer and Mo said...

Oh Diana...my heart aches for you and what is happening...sending you good thoughts and prayers for all!!!! This too will make you stronger, even if you feel weak at the moment!

STaying MOtivated MO

Dawn said...

I'm so sorry about your sister and all you're going through Diana. I hope you can get some rest. If the ambien wasn't a terrible issue and was giving you sleep why not go back to taking it? Right now sleep is something you really could use with all that's going on. *hugs*

Sarah G said...

((Diana))

Anonymous said...

Diana, I've been checking your site for an update. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through and the rest of your family. That has to be so hard to watch your sister suffer and deteriorate. I'm sure she is constantly on your mind. And then to have a strep throat on top of everything else. Sore throats are one of the worse things. I will be saying prayers for you and your sister. I hope God can provide a special angel to help you thru all of this. It does seem like you have had an awful lot of things on your plate to deal with. Take care

Lyn said...

Oh Diana, I am so, so sorry. I am just in tears for you. I want you to know that you and your sister and family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Alan (Pounds Off Playoff) said...

Diana, I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm so glad you connected with your sister when you had the chance. What a wonderful relationship you have. All my best to you.

Ron said...

So sorry to hear you have to go through all of this, my thoughts are with you.

Dawn said...

Im so sorry - i wish I could come over and help. It feels so pointlless to be able to do nothing whatsoever useful.

“You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

You are strong, stay strong
Dawn

Anonymous said...

Diana I hope you are feeling better physically and that the sore throat is gone. Also I am keeping your sister in thought and prayer for a smooth transition to join her husband again. Life really is full of struggles and sadness.

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Carrieheff said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!

Kayla said...

Despite all of this I respect you for not resorting to food. You are strong and your family will pull through!

Dawn said...

Just to let you know, you and your sister are very much in my thoughts tonight.
I see you have not been here and I know that your time is needed with your family. Just know there are people here willing well for you and thinking of you at such a difficult time x
Dawn

fusionanil said...

Lots of good wishes for your sister.thanks for sharing feelings
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Anonymous said...

Diana, We are all wondering how you and your sister are doing. Hoping that perhaps there was a miracle in her health towards a recovery. Just know we are all thinking of you and your sister and her family.I know I speak for alot of people. Take of yourself.