Thursday, December 29, 2011

Fairbanks, Alaska...hell has frozen over

I'm in the hotel dining room and just had a quick dinner of a salad and a hamburger patty. I took off the bun, and just ate the patty with the lettuce and tomatoes. I said no fries and a salad instead, they still  brought the fries and the salad. They're the skinny, seasoned fries and look really salty. I didn't eat any, didn't really even want them. I honestly can't remember the last time I ate beef. Actually, it tasted pretty good.

About Fairbanks, the most God-forsaken place I've ever been when it's thirty-three degrees below zero. I can't believe I lived in the interior Alaska for thirty years before I left here. I forgot how miserable it is when it's this cold. It literally hurts.

It was pitch dark when I got here at 3:30pm, and so cold I thought I had frostbite by the time I got the car scraped off (covered in ice and snow). It has awesome heated seats...a new requirement for any future Fairbanks rental cars in the winter.

I had a bit of an anxiety attack on the plane. Actually, I had it at work before I left for the airport and it just continued on the plane. A sort of mental breakdown after reading an email from my brother (who I thought liked me). He said I was too hard on my crazy niece, and our sister would want me to be kind to her and help her. I couldn't stop crying. This same thing happened to me after I think my third trip up here. Where the tears wouldn't stop and my heart ached with pain.

Honestly, I'm out of kindness, forgiveness and love when it comes to my niece. She's attacked me for the last time, and I will not fall for the false sweetness which turns to mean, hateful and very hurtful behavior.

I saw a quote in the Oprah January magazine that I left up in the room. Basically, it was about running away from toxic people. I get that. My niece is toxic. If I was to put a label on her, I would guess it's bipolar. I'm not sure, but there's definitely something wrong with her.

My husband is flying in later tonight. Thanks to Sarah's comment, we'll be having a bonfire of paperwork outside at my sister's house. She doesn't have a fireplace, but she has a 123 acres of land, no neighbors and the house sits on a river. Lots of snow too. Of course, not sure how I'll be able to handle the -40 temperature since her place is always ten degrees colder than in town.

Thanks you guys for all your kind comments. Your support and kindness continues to amaze me.

I'm off to see my sister. I hope I don't cry when I see her. It's just so sad, but it's life and I have to make the best of it.


Diandra said...

No, you don't have to be nice on people who hurt and abuse you. Life is not about "being the nice on". Yo uknow what happens to nice people? I won't tell you, but it involves some nasty verbs.

You are doing such a great job taking care of your sister. All this time, I do not recall having read a single thing on your brother helping. Still he can tell you what you did wrong? Maybe he wants to be nice to said niece instead, so you don't have to worry about her.

Anonymous said...

Okay, if you want a competition about the MOST dysfunctional family I'm afraid mine would leave yours in our dust. I don't even see most of them, and it is for the best. I'm so sorry all this chaos is raining down on you at the hardest possible time, with everything you've been hit with recently. :( I'm amazed at how loving you and your sister have been, and know that it must be heart breaking to be making so many choices when none of the options seem very hopeful or certain right now. You are doing the best you know how. Your heart is loving and kind. Your sister is still in there, perhaps fragmented and divided and confuse, but she must know you love her with a history like yours. Thinking fondly of you with warmest wishes! All my best, RNegade (hopefulandfree)

MaryFran said...

Hold you head up high. You do NOT have to take guff off of people! You are worth so much more! Yes, kindness is one thing....but being 'abused' is another. You are in the right. Do what YOU need to do for YOU!


Mer and Mo said...

Wonderful news that your husband is going to join you!! A bonfire will be nice and warm, even if it is getting rid of paperwork!! You are doing what is right for your sister, even if others don't see it that way! I am praying that all goes well this visit!! Much love!!! Stay Strong and here is hoping that your Two Thousand and Twelve is Swell!!!

MOtivated MO