Friday, December 23, 2011

Trying to find the spirit of Christmas

I'm not in a very festive mood this Christmas. After a lot of debate about whether we should go to Fairbanks, we decided against it. The trip would be rushed since I have to be back at work on Tuesday. We chose Christmas at home.

Home...were there isn't a single Christmas decoration or wrapped gift. I haven't sent a single Christmas card this year or purchased a single gift. I'm just not feeling it. My husband is following my lead. I guess my dark mood is contagious.

My husband has asked me numerous times what I want for Christmas. I keep telling him nothing because it's the truth. There's nothing I want this year. No cool new gadget, no new clothes, no jewelry, nothing. There's nothing that can make me happy.

I know Christmas is more than decorations and gifts, and that's where I'm really feeling sad. My faith is shaken. I can't find any explanation why such a dreadful, horrible thing has happened to my wonderful sister. None of it makes any sense.

The status of my sister isn't good. She's very healthy and eating well. The prognosis is that she will live for many more years. That sounds good, but it's not. She won't participate in any physical, occupational or speech therapy. She refuses to cooperate with the therapists. In fact, she gets angry, screaming gibberish at them and pointing to the door of her room, wanting them to leave.

She refuses to even get out of bed and into a wheelchair. True, it's quite an ordeal for her since she's completely paralyzed on the right side it takes two people to assist her into the chair. I just don't understand how she can just lay in bed 24/7.

Last week she demanded all the family pictures be removed from her walls. She kept pointing to the wall and the door and finally my niece realized she was pointing to the pictures and wanted them out of her room. Now her walls are bare.

I didn't mean for this post to be about my sister, but she's always on my mind. I worry about her. I feel bad I'm not there, cheering her on. I know she's lonely and bored. She doesn't even enjoy watching TV. Our brother bought her an iPad and she refused to even touch it. He bought her a Nook and she wouldn't even look at it. She use to love her computer and loved to read. The words don't make any sense to her and she doesn't even seem to understand the concept of the computer.

I guess not being in a happy, festive mood is normal. I'm still shell-shocked over losing my sister. Basically, that's what happened. She's gone. I can't call her and talk for three hours, finding out we bought the exact same item or did something exactly the same that week. We had a lot of strange coincidences where we did the exactly same thing or had exactly the same thought. I'll never forget when she picked me up at the airport one summer and we were wearing the exact same designer sunglasses, with the same rhinestone pattern. I remember laughing hysterically when we'd talk on the phone for hours. I really miss her.

Tomorrow perhaps I'll write a more cheerful post. Maybe we'll put up the tree, buy a few presents. Maybe I'll write about my plans to lose twenty pounds by the time of the Big Climb on March 25. Or about my Weight Watcher meeting I'm attending tomorrow morning. For now, I think I'll just go cry myself to sleep.


Heather said...

I think it's appropriate for your thoughts to be on your sister. In many ways, you are grieving her - at least the relationship you had. Sounds like she's grieving too. Is there any possibility of moving her closer to you so that you can be in her life daily? I'm sorry you're having to go through this. *hugs*

Beth said...

I'm very sorry for this devastating loss that you really can't heal from at this time. Thinking of you...

jinxxxygirl said...

Catching the thread of what Heather said can your sister move closer to you??? Maybe thats an idea you can explore? I think you and your sister are going to go thru many stages of grief over the sister you lost and the woman she remembers herself to be. And what may be hardest is accepting you cannot do it for her. All you can do is make sure she has those services (therapy) available to her should she decide to use it. Maybe a therapist might help her work through some of this anguish. Not a physical therapist but the other. I'am not a religious person but you and your sister are in my thoughts and i hope things are brighter soon. Hugs! deb

Diandra said...

Diseases and accidents never make any sense, and often lead to crises of faith. "How could you let this happen?" we ask.

Not everything happens for a reason. Some things simply happen, and we have to deal with it. This is a tough time for you and your family, but do not let the minor setbacks discourage you - if your sister is physically well, chances are good she will eventually find her courage back and start working on herself. If she works on it, her body and brain do have amazing self-recovery abilities, she only needs to get over the pain and frustration. Giver her some time to come to terms with herself, and then give her a gentle kick. But first, take care of yourself and your husband. Would be sad if you forgot these two important people on the way. Your sister is not gone, it is only a new situation you have to deal with, and you ignoring your own needs won't help your sister.

I wish you a peaceful and refreshing holiday, with or without gifts, and good energy for a fresh start with everything in the new year.

Lyn said...

I am so sorry you have lost such an important part of your relationship with your sister. That is so hard. I hope that, in time, she might decide she wants to improve and participate in life again. She might just need time, like she needed time to decide she wanted to live. I hope so. You're in my prayers Diana and I wish you peace for Christmas.

Grace said...

Diana, all I can say is...I'm thinking of you and sending you big hugs. Take care, my friend.

The title of this post is a joke, there's no new me. It's just the same old me, doing the same old stuff. Just for fun, I went back...