Showing posts from 2012

What a difference an hour made

I went to spinning class and stayed for the entire hour. . I was sure I was going to have a heart attack and die on the spot!

It was really hard, but the instructor was awesome. She kept saying things like "if you don't challenge yourself, you won't make a difference in your body". Almost every song she played is on my current iPod playlist, so the music was great.

I love my new cycling shoes with the SPD cleats. I got to class early and the instructor showed me how to attach my shoes to the pedals. The first few tries was a lot harder than it looked in the video, but it's really easy once you do it a few times. I think it really does make a difference in how I worked my leg muscles. When I got home, a six-minute drive, I could barely get out of the car.

My attitude did a 180 after the class. It's true about the endorphins. I walked out of the gym and into the warm sunshine, with a slight breeze, and thought...LIFE IS GOOD!

There's sadness all around me …

I found the fat people

The fat people were grocery shopping this afternoon at my local supermarket. In fact, we looked like we were at a fat people convention.

I went straight from the gym to the grocery store (and yes, I was a hot, sweaty and very unattractive mess...more on that later). I don't remember the last time I shopped on a Saturday afternoon. There were a lot of extremely overweight people there today, and my heart broke a little for each and every one of them. I know first-hand how much this hurts, physically and mentally.

I'd guess the average BMI was 40+. There were a lot of people that appeared to be 250 to 300 pounds (and they weren't seven feet tall!). I'm a pretty good judge of weight. I'm 213 pounds, 5' 6", and I was probably one of the thinner of the fat people.

I really try not to pass judgement on overweight people for buying junk food:  a.) it's none of my business and b.) I've been there. Yet, I couldn't help  myself as I peeked into their g…

Where are all the fat people?

I took the day off from work. It was going to be a sort of mental health day for me, and catching up on chores. That idea ended quickly when my husband called as he was on his way to work and said his sister had texted him that their dad's blood pressure was less than 60/40 and the machine couldn't even read it. This is one of the signs that death is near.

My husband rushed home, we made a conference call to the hospice and his dad is doing "okay", and could hang on for days or weeks. He was asking for his Coke so they took that as a sign he's got a little life left in him. Plus he's still flirting with the young nurse, Ashley. She looks a lot like my mother-in-law did when she was young, absolutely gorgeous (they're divorced). Ashely calls my father-in-law her Romeo. He always wants a  hug and kiss from her. Guess he's not dead yet.

The hospice urged us to make arrangements for cremation, which we were suppose to do Monday, but my husband is really …

You made me made me cry and you made me smile

Tonight I finally took a few minutes to read through the comments on my post "Hitting Rock Bottom". I was stunned and amazed at your heartfelt support, and really surprised that anyone even reads my posts these days.

As I read each comment, I started to cry. I'm just so overwhelmed with the love and support from so many of you when I've failed so miserably at the task of losing weight. Each comment was written with kindness and careful thought. They were written to lift me up and help me find my way.

I don't know what to say, other than thank you from the bottom of my heart. You make a difference in my life. I am forever grateful for each of your comments.

I will take your suggestions and put them into action as part of my plan to get my weight loss back on track. Your words of support will be with me as I continue the struggle.

Thank you again my dear friends.


Back from hell

I'm back from Denver. Where my husband, his sister and I moved his 73-year old dad into The Denver Hospice. My father-in-law was transported by ambulance since he can't walk. The hospice is a beautiful, new facility, but sadly, it's filled with death and the grieving. Definitely not the happiest place on earth.

Of course everyone was talking about the shootings in Aurora. The hospital where my father-in-law had been staying, and the hospice and our hotel were all within a couple miles of the theater where the shootings occurred. There was an extreme amount of sadness in Denver. It was also 98 degrees which was almost unbearable.

I've never been happier to be home and can't wait to get back to my job and normalcy. There's a lot to be said for normal.

On the weight loss front, I actually have good news. I made it a point to eat as healthy as possible. Whether it was hospital cafeteria food, fast food or a sit-down restaurant, I made healthy choices. I also guzzl…

Hanging in there with life...and death

I had a great, happy, upbeat and cheerful post all ready to post on Friday, but I wanted to proof-read it before posting it and as a result, I never posted it. Then things happened and it seemed unimportant..

I'd had a good night food-wise on Thursday, went to the gym Friday morning and worked out like a maniac. The first 15 minutes were pure hell. I won't lie. I HATED every sweating, hurt pumping, painful second. I wanted to leave, not walk, but run out the front door. I stayed for an hour and a half. It changed my entire attitude for the rest of the day and even for the next day. Now I remember why exercised is an essential part of the weight loss plan. Losing weight is really about what's going on in my head.

Yesterday morning I took my sister to see a movie, The Dark Knight Rises. No reviews on that movie. You'll have to make your own mind up on that one. After I dropped off my sister at her home I drove to the airport to catch the 5:40pm flight to Denver, with my …

The hardest thing I've ever done

Tyring to get back into diet and exercise after months of not really "being into it", is a huge struggle for me.

I remember many Weight Watcher meetings where our leader would say, "you know, losing weight isn't rocket science" or "this isn't the hardest thing you've ever done". Then she'd ask things like: Did you graduate college? Did you have a baby? Have you raised a child? Have you ever been married? Have you lost someone you loved?" She always name off several things that every person in the room had experienced, usually not just one of the things, but several of them. Then she would say, compare exercising and eating less to that experience. Then she'd followup with, losing weight is easy in comparison to any of those things. Everyone in the room would nod in agreement.

These days I'm not so sure I'd nod in agreement. I'm really feeling challenged. It feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.

I almost mad…

Hitting rock bottom

I think I finally hit rock bottom, and I don't like it here.

1. I tried to pull on a pair of size 16 jeans this morning. I couldn't even get them up over my hips. I had to wear one of the two pairs of size 18's that I bought last week.

2. I don't know how much I weigh. The last time I weighed, last week I think, I was 217. Those size 16 jeans were tight, but at least I could get them on and buttoned.

3. I feel like hell. I get winded walking from my car to my office building and it's a very short walk.

4. Walking up one flight of stairs almost makes me pass out. Three flights almost kills me. How did I managed to climb 69 flights of stairs for the Big Climb last year and I did it in 19 minutes? How could I have let myself go like this?

5. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoid mirrors if I can.

6. My body aches. I don't like the rolls of fat hanging off my body. I'm very uncomfortable in this body. I don't feel like myself.

7. I ha…

I'm just not a caveman

I tried to do the Whole 30 this past week, on and off. Actually, more off than on. I have issues with it. It made me feel awful. Maybe it wasn't the diet, maybe I was coming down with something, but I felt yukky all week.

Deleting entire food groups from my diet didn't feel right. Milk, grains, legumes. Bad for me? The thoughts on how and when to exercise also concern me.

There are good things about eating like a caveman. Eating real food, eating organic when  possible makes sense. Deleting dairy and grains doesn't make sense. 

I know the primal/paleo diet works for a lot of people. I know this because I read it on their blogs. As much as I wanted to embrace the Whole 30, I just don't think it's a good fit for me.

That being said, what is my plan? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. Who knew that at almost 57 years old I still wouldn't have this figured out.

My weight this morning, 216.4. Talk about feeling yukky. As my sister used to say …

A rough start with Whole 30

I really thought this would be a good weekend to start the Whole 30 plan. My husband was out of town so I had complete control of what I ate. Or did I?

Saturday went pretty well until about 8pm. I spent the day with my sister. First, her two-hour hair appointment (and she looked gorgeous when they were done). Then Magic Mike. Turned out not to be as fun or interesting as I thought. Stupid subplots, didn't like the character The Kid. Hated Matthew McConaughey's character. Now Magic Mike, he was "interesting", but the movie was a lot more raunchy than I expected. I know, what should I have expected, it was a male stripper movie.  Basically, another stupid movie.

It was 6pm after the movie (where I avoided popcorn or diet Coke - a nasty habit I acquired recently). My sister's normal bedtime is 5:30pm. She sleeps 12 hours a night. I read this is normal post-stroke. At least she doesn't take a nap in the afternoon anymore. She was too tired to go out to eat and in…

Whole 30 and Dirty Dozen

Second post in one day, I must be feeling better!

I just skimmed through It Starts With Food on my Kindle. This is really going to be a major change for me. I'm curious about the outcome so I feel really motivated to do it. Weight loss would be great and is my ultimate goal, but feeling better by not eating all the crap I've been eating is even more exciting.

Although I'm not sure I'm completely on board with everything they're suggesting, I'm willing to give it a try. I'm suspicious about cow's milk being unhealthy, but they're logic makes sense. I agree about artificial sweeteners. I was pretty sure that Stevia is not all that healthy and the authors validated my thoughts.

A couple links for you, one is the link to the It Starts With Food website with a lot of free downloads, like how to get started with the Whole 30 and even a shopping list (which is in my purse right now): 

They have so much information on their website you almost don't nee…

Feeling more like myself

For the last few months, I've haven't felt well. I didn't know what was wrong, but I was always tired and borderline unhappy. Not depressed, just not really happy. In fact, I didn't feel like I was feeling anything. It was weird and not at all like how I usually feel. I was not normal, mentally or physically.

I blamed it on my weight gain of 40 pounds in the past seven months. I'm sure that was part of it, but yesterday I realized something else that changed about two months ago.

A quick recap of the past nine months:

August 2011 - Broke my wrist while bicycling and was in a fingertip to elbow cast for three months (first month was a fingertip to shoulder cast). Told would most likely have surgery. Missed a ton of work since I couldn't type (I'm a software developer). Fortunately it all healed and no surgery, but a stressful period.

Sept 2011 - My sister had a catastrophic stroke that left her completely paralyzed on her right side, unable to speak intellig…

Easy to talk the talk, Hard to walk the walk

Within five minutes of writing my love myself post yesterday, I caught a glimpse of myself in our hallway mirror. I actually said to myself, spoken out loud (husband out of town again this weekend), "Watch out, wide load coming through!".

This negative self-talk is one of the hardest things for me to stop doing. I do it all day long and constantly catch myself either thinking or saying really cruel comments about my appearance. It's especially difficult now because I really don't like the way I look. I'm actually horrified by the distortion of my body and face. If anyone else talked to me like I talk to me, they wouldn't be someone I'd associate with at all. Kind of hard to do that when the person that continually puts me down is me. I'll continue to work on this, and try to say positive things in my self talk, but it's really hard!

My husband is in Denver this weekend with his dad. It's a good thing he flew down there Saturday morning. The ho…

If I love myself...

I picked up a book the other day. It was used, in a big pile of used books we had at work, and it was only $.50. It's a self-help book, and a review on the back cover says "An excellent book for restructuring one's life and finding self-esteem and self-love." I hesitate to give the title yet until I've read some more. The author is listed as a "metaphysical" lecturer. I'm not sure how I feel about that so I want to read more to make sure it's not some nut-case book that I'm recommending.

This book isn't about weight loss, but the few pages I've read so far have really helped me get my head in the right place for exercise and dieting. Since I've been on a self-hate mission, using food as my method of self-destruction, I know I have issues in the self-esteem, self-love arena.

It's no secret that I've really been struggling with my weight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost. My weight this morning is 213.6. I was…

Standing on my own two feet

Yesterday wasn't a perfect day, but it was a much better exercise and food day than I've had in the past month.

Even though I didn't make it to the gym, I still burned over 2500 calories according to my BodyMedia (which I'm wearing again). I worked in the yard, specifically, I pulled weeds and planted flowers. I use to love working in the yard. The feeling of a weed-free flower bed and beautiful flowers planted by my own hand always delighted me in the past.

Yesterday, as I was on my hands and knees pulling up stubborn weeds, with every part of my body aching, I kept asking myself "why did I ever think gardening was fun?". It's hard work, and getting up from being in an on all-fours position when I weigh 208 pounds was particularly painful. A few times I thought I might not be able to get up. Which made me realize just how quickly my body has fallen apart. The lesson learned is that if I don't take care of my body, it won't be able to take care of…

Now it's time to work on me

As in the case of most weight loss blogger disappearances, no news is usually not good news. I've been gone from here almost a whole month. It's not been a good month. Let's start with my weight. 
I feel really awful about my weight gain. I hate being this fat. I feel and look terrible. The emotional and physical pain of being obese is overwhelming. I'm angry at myself that I let this happen. 
I've been wallowing in self-pity for weeks, actually, more like months.  Once I lost control, I couldn't get it back. No food was off limits, and portion control wasn't even something I thought about. The gym, I think I went three times in the last month. 
After being in control for most of the last four years and maintaining my weight under 180 after starting out at 240 in 2008, I thought I had beat my food demons. I was wrong. I wasn't safe from my crazy obsession with food. I struggled but I was slowing losing the battle. 
There is a bit of good news to this sad…

Chasing Daylight & finding happiness

I'm reading a really good book, Chasing Daylight by Gene O'Kelly. Because of this book, I had one of the best days I've had in a very long time. The author, a CEO of a major global company, tells the true story of the last three months of his life. He had inoperable brain cancer. When he's diagnosed, he's told by two top neurologist that he has three months to live. I know this sounds terribly depressing, but it's not. It's one of the most uplifting and moving books I've ever read. It's about how to live your life. It's really making me stop and reassess my life.

I took the day off from work and decided I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I had a hectic weekend getting the final paperwork together for my guardianship implementation plan and inventory for my sister. I put the finishing touches on it this morning (it's about 100 copies), had seven copies made at the UPS Store. Had my original notarized and certified mailed to the Alaska Court…

Health and happiness - lacking both

I can't remember the last time I posted, but I know I didn't say much. I've been quiet because it seems like all I do is whine and complain about my life.

I've continued to eat poorly and not exercise. The result is continuing weight gain. My last weigh in on Friday was 202 pounds. I feel and look like hell.

Then there are the hives that are occurring more frequently. I had a hive breakout Thursday night, Friday morning and Friday night, Saturday morning and Saturday night. No hives on Sunday. Then this morning was the worst one yet, with big, red welts from my knees up to my breasts, and both arms.

I went to the gym this morning when the hives started and were only a few splotches on my stomach. This whole hive thing started when I started slacking with my workouts and eating a lot of processed foods. My workout was good today, but the hives got worse during my my hour at the gym. By the time I was done with my workout I felt like my entire upper body was on fire, a…

Things that made me smile today...

I've seen this before, but when I saw it on a grandniece's Facebook today it made me laugh out loud. She's 21, has a four-year old, going through a divorce, works 30 hours a week at a nursing home, and goes to nursing school full time.

After my 13-hour work day today, I can't sleep so I was watching Jay Leno (way past my normal beditme), and he mentioned this video. Very cool and very sweet.

Still hanging in there, trying my best to get through one day at a time. Work is killing me!

Love the sunshine

My two hours of working on my sister's paperwork and trying to organize her business receipts for the tax accountant for her 2011 taxes (just got her 2010 a few weeks ago)  turned in six hours! I hate paperwork!

However, I love our weather and I'm heading outside in a few minutes. I can't decide whether to get my bike down and go for a ride or go to the gym. It would my first bike ride since August 6, 2011, when I broke my scaphoid bone in my wrist and wore a cast for three months. I'm a little apprehensive about getting on a bike.

I'll let you know tomorrow if it's the gym or the bike ride. Tomorrow is definitely a picnic down by the water with my sister. I finally got the disabled parking placard last week so we should be able to find parking (I hope!).

I'm on track with the calories today and wearing my BodyMedia. It said I only slept four hours last night. That explains why I woke up exhausted this morning. Not sure how I'm ever going to fix my slee…

Worth the fight

I'm starting to get back in the groove, but I forgot how much time it takes to track my food. Oh my gosh! Weighing and measuring, writing stuff on pieces of paper then putting it into the computer at night. How did I do this for most of four years?

Actually, I know the answer to that last question. I wasn't the legal guardian for my sister that had a debilitating stroke six months ago. She left behind a very complicated, messy financial situation that I'm still trying to sort through and take care of things. The dust will settle eventually, but I can't wait for that day. It's that old story, if I don't take care of myself, how can I make sure she's taken care of?

Tracking my food isn't really that terrible or difficult. I use the BodyMedia software, which I highly recommend. They've even enhanced it since I used it several months ago. You can customize the table by selecting ten nutrients to dispaly from a list of 26. I love this feature.

Below is m…



I know how it happened. I just can't believe that I let it happen. This is 100% on me. I did this to myself. There aren't any excuses for gaining almost 30 pounds in the past five months. I was 172 the beginning of November 2011, now I'm almost 200 pounds.

I'm trying to claw my way out of this mess. It's really difficult. Everything is harder at this weight. I can't cross my legs. My clothes are all too small. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. Exercise is excruciatingly painful. The StairMaster, which was my favorite cardio machine is now a machine of torture. My knees hurt, my feet hurt, and most of all, my heart hurts. I've asked myself over and over, why?

The absolute worse part of this that on top of all the other things I have to worry about in my life, I added being fat to the list.

I'm working on it. Two days in a row at the gym, and I tracked my calories today (too high at 2,205). Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

What happened to day 3, 4, 5 and 6?

My daily posting and getting back on track my exercise and dieting just went all to hell this week.

Sunday was a day with my sister, Joyce, which sucks the life right out of me. I love her, I love taking her places and doing things with her, but it's hard to be with her for a long period of time. I'm getting better with the wheelchair transfers, her odd responses to things and her constant post-stroke nonsensical chatter. I don't want to discourage her talking because sometimes I hear a word that's familiar. So I do a lot of nodding and pretending I understand when really I don't have a clue what she's talking about. It's still hard for me, and I know it's hard for her.

Then in Monday work hit me like a ton of bricks between the eyes. I still have to take a week of on-call every ten weeks. It's highly stressful. Getting called at odd hours to be told systems are down and there are flight delays and fees can't be charged to our customers is stres…

Day two and three fourths: What a day!

I haven't had a day like this in a long time. It was a series of unfortunate events.

I worked on my sister's paperwork for two hours, from 6am -8am, trying to get the Guardianship Implementation Plan and Inventory completed for the State of Alaska Courts. It's a detailed account of her life, and it's due May 28. Remember, she had and still has a complicated life. I hate working on it, but it has to be done.

Then my husband walked into my office at about 8am and asked what I had done with the coffee pot. When I told him I gave it to Goodwill two weeks ago, he flipped out. That was the start of World War III. He hadn't used it in over a year. It was collecting dust and it was in the way. It was old and gross. I'm in a "scaling down mode", so I'm giving away a lot of stuff lately. This makes him insane. He's a hoarder. We have an ongoing battle about "stuff". I'm not into it. I hate "stuff laying around, I hate clutter and knic…

Day 2: It's Saturday! I love Saturday!

My favorite day of the week is Saturday. I like to stay at home on Saturday and do house stuff. I actually find joy in mindless household chores. My latest thing is spring cleaning.

I've been organizing my closets, bookcases and even tackling the garage, one box at a time for the garage. It's filled with 24 years of junk, including boxes that haven't been opened since we moved into this house twelve years. I'm scaling down on the stuff. I detest useless clutter, and I want it out of my life.

Maybe seeing the 73 years of stuff at my sister's 3,800 square foot house triggered something in me, or maybe a few of those Hoarders shows, of maybe it's because I feel like it's the only thing in my life where I have control.Regardless of what caused this sudden "I've got to get rid of this stuff", it makes me feel better about my surroundings.

I started with the bathroom closet last weekend. I got rid of at least 50 bottles of hair products, and three h…

Making a comeback

I'm stealing this idea from Tony. Good ideas are worth stealing, right?

I've been gone for far too long. I've been immersed with post-stroke sister issues and job pressures and marital problems. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. Everyone and everything else in my life has been more important than me. I miss me. I know that sounds silly, but honestly, I often feel surreal, like I'm watching my life go by, standing on the sidelines, but I'm not in my life. Does that make any sense? Re-reading that sentence makes me sound a tad bit crazy. Perhaps I am.

I want my life back and the only way I know to do it is to take it back. Go back to doing the things I enjoy, back to doing things that are good for me. Perhaps that makes me selfish and self-centered, but I want to enjoy life. As far as I know, this is the only life I'll have on this earth. I don't want to waste it with worry and stress and misery. I want to laugh, to be happy, and to enjoy every minute…

I should have done this a long time ago

Therapy. I should have done therapy a long time ago. I tried a few times, but never liked the therapist. In the past twenty years I've seen three therapists, one session each. They all gave me books to read and lots of homework. I often thought, I'm paying you, you should have read the books and then give me the Cliff notes.

The therapist I'm seeing now is also called a "life coach" and specializes in helping people deal with stress and anger. I've known her for about ten years through Toastmasters (which I haven't attended in over two years). I've always liked her and enjoyed her company. It turns out she's an amazing therapist, and better yet, she sees me on weekends so I don't have to leave work for a "doctor" appointment every week.

After only two sessions, I'm already developing the tools to deal with my life. I feel so much better. No hives last week for the first time in five weeks. Although I did have what I guess would …