Sunday, January 15, 2012

I want my life back

I keep telling myself things will get better, that I will be able to enjoy my old life again. I never thought my life was that great, but after all the BS I've gone through recently I realized I had a pretty decent life. It's funny how you never appreciate what you had until it's taken away from you.

I spent yesterday morning talking to the local sheriff's department and the Fairbanks police department. I was trying to find out what I could do to protect my sister from my crazy niece until I get a court ordered restraining order against my niece (which hopefully I can get this week).

Everyone was very kind and helpful. They told me to write up a brief synopsis of my niece's issues, along with her physical description and a picture of her, a copy of my guardian papers and strict instructions to call 911 if they see my niece on the premises. Then give the synopsis to the police. I felt like I was putting together a "wanted poster" on her. It made me sad that it has come to this, but she's forced my hand by threatening to get on the next plane and fly down here to see her mother. Luckily it's an adult family home with only six residents and one caregiver, plus the owner that lives across the street and pops over all the time. It's not a huge facility so they can easily keep an eye on who comes into the home.

Then I spent three hours visiting my sister yesterday. I cut her bangs short, which she prefers. The hair stylist that cut her hair last week made long bangs that swept to the side. I knew my sister hated them because she kept fussing with them. Then I put makeup on her and gave her a manicure with pretty pink polish. She's still a beauty, even at 73 and all she's gone through. I sat at the dinner table with her and two other ladies as she ate her food perfectly with her left hand.

Although my sister was happy when I got there, she was not having the greatest day. For the most part it was good, but she gets really frustrated that I can't understand her. I get frustrated because she gets mad and starts to cry. I can't figure out what is wrong, then she scrunches up her face and tries to hold back the tears. I hate it. I know there's going to be a transition time for both of us and we just have to get through it until things settle down and we fall into a routine. I really wish we could communicate better. That's the hardest part.

After dinner she went to bed, which is her normal routine. Under the instruction of the home caregiver I lifted my sister into bed. She weighs almost nothing. Maybe 130 pounds. I expected her to be much heavier. I dressed her in her soft, new pajamas that I had just bought and washed the night before. She was complaining her back hurt her but she'd been up since 7am and it was 6pm. For a woman that had been bedridden 24/7 for the last four months it's pretty amazing that she's up and in her wheelchair or the a recliner all day for the last six days. She takes her meals at the dining room table and not in her bed. She likes to wheel around he huge house in her wheelchair or sit in her favorite recliner in the family room and watch a little TV.

By the time I got home I was mentally and physically drained. I'd had a really healthy breakfast and lunch (about 500 calories total), and I was starving. I had stopped at the store to get some groceries. BIG MISTAKE. I was so tired I wanted something easy for dinner. I bought a frozen California Pizza on thin crust, some Orville Redenbacher Caramel microwave popcorn, along with a ton of there stuff, but the pizza and popcorn were going to be my dinner.

By the time I got home it was 8pm. My husband was asleep. I ate 3/4 of the pizza (810 calories) and a bag of the popcorn (850 calories). Today I'm actually going to go back and put all this in my Weight Watcher tracker. I know it was more than I was suppose to eat, but what can I say. It was a hell of a day. I'm not use to talking to police departments and putting together wanted posters. I overate. Big deal. Today I'll be back at the gym and back on track (I went to the gym four out of five days last week). I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore, I have too much big stuff to get freaked out about now.

My main goal is to settle into some type of routine visiting schedule with my sister. Spending most of my day on sister stuff isn't really working for me. I want to spend time on some Diana stuff too. I just need to find the balance.


Beth said...

Thinking of you lots during these heartbreaking challenges.

Diandra said...

You will find your balance, don't worry. No getting impatient. ^^