Monday, February 6, 2012


Really, do I need to even say anything with a post title like that...191, as in 191 pounds, as in I gained five pounds over the weekend. Should I tell you how angry and disappointed I am in myself? It probably goes without saying, I am not happy with myself.

I've been trying to figure out what is going on with me, why on earth am I so hell bent on killing myself with food?

I have figured out that there's a direct link with how much I eat and how much I visit my sister. Last week I made three visits with to see my sister, two hours each visit. Even though the visits go really well, I find I get terribly depressed after seeing her. When I'm depressed and sad, I eat junk. I know this is a problem, but I seem uncontrollable.

Since the residents of the adult family home where my sister resides are always working on a jigsaw puzzle, but my sister can't seem to figure them out, I bought a puzzle that was for age 3+. She still struggled with it. I worked with her, giving her hints on which pieces might fit, but she had a very hard time.

I bought the wooden block stacking game Jenga. I read online it was good for stroke patients. She was better with this than the puzzle, and we played several times over the weekend (I visited Saturday and Sunday). She remembered how to play it on Sunday, and I think she enjoyed it.

I brought her new tennis shoes that fit. I had to buy two pair, one size 11W for her paralyzed side, and one size 10W for her non-paralyzed side. She use to wear size 9N. We had a good laugh when I tried to force her paralyzed foot into the size 11W. The shoe was huge and her foot really isn't that big, it's swollen and her toes are curling under, so she needed a bigger shoe. No matter how hard I tried to jam her foot into the shoe, it wouldn't fit. Finally, with her talking and talking to me and me not understanding a work, she grabbed the shoe from my hand and showed the open part to me so I could see I missed a big wad of tissue stuck down in the toe. We both had a good laugh over that one.

I took her for a walk outside yesterday in her wheelchair, with her rolling herself along and using her good hand. It was 58 degrees and sunny. She cried for the first five minutes. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. I finally determined she was happy. It was her first time she had been outside since her stroke on September 21, 2011 (other than being transferred into or out of an ambulance).  She was smiling the entire time, looking at everything and talking non-stop (none of it made sense).

I asked her if she remembered her daughter, Camille? I told her Camille wanted to come visit her soon. She waved her hand back and forth and shook her head no. I asked if she knew who I was talking about when I said "Camille". She looked at me and just shrugged her shoulder and put her hand out, like no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

We had some good visits last week, so why does it depress the hell out of me to see her? It makes me sad, I want to cry when I leave her. I feel awful this has happened to her, and I feel awful what has happened to me. I wake up at night, worried about her, worried about her finances. Just worried about everything.

So I eat to make myself feel better. It's not working.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

I'm still alive, still fat and still struggling

I never understand how I can let almost two weeks go by and not post a single word. I think about posting, but never seem to have the time, or if I have the time, I can't think of anything to say. Usually it means I'm in a midst of a binge, which was very true this time around. I know posting regularly and reading other weight loss blogs has been a huge help to me in the past four years (I've been blogging for four years this month).

Life is definitely a struggle these days. Talking to attorneys, rehashing the last four months over and over with them, reviewing the legal documents to be filed in court, and dreading and hating the whole legal fiasco. As much as I detest this phrase, it's the truth in my case, "it is what it is". In other words, I'm screwed and the situation is beyond my control. I have to do what is best for my sister and what is best for me. End of story on that one.

My diet and exercise have been bad. Really, really bad. I only made it to the gym three times last week, claiming I was just to exhausted to get out of bed. I walked at lunch a couple days, but my regular walking co-worker is in Geneva this week, so I had to walk with my backup walker, who walks really s-l-o-w. She's about 100 pound overweight and I think has recently gained even more weight. I can barely walk as slowly as she walks. We stopped at Safeway so she could buy some lunch. She bought a big container of barbecued spare ribs and a giant white flour bagel. We've often talked about weight loss and exercise, but I'd never say anything to her about what she eats. I really enjoy her company, but I worry about her. I bought some fresh asparagus to add to my soup for lunch. Even though I was binging at night, I tried to at least eat a healthy breakfast and lunch.

To add to my lack of exercise last week, I fell into a binge cycle. Oddly, I read about a binge on a beloved blogger's post, and it seemed to trigger something in me. I haven't bought binge food for months, things like cookies, cheesecake and chips. I just did not care. After three days of stupid, binge eating, I think I may have come to my senses today. I feel like I got it out of my system and now it's time to move on to better eating and better health.

Today is busy so I need to finish this up and head out. I've cleaned house a little, just to make it bearable. Next up is the gym first, then shopping for a few items for my sister. I also want to pick up a child's puzzle for her, one with big pieces. Also some games I read that are good for stroke patients. Then I'll head over to her home and visit for an hour or two. Then home to make some homemade soup for dinner.

The weather is fantastic here in the Pacific Northwest today. We have S-U-N-S-H-I-N-E!!!! It's suppose to get up to a high of 58. I love it here when the weather is nice. It's been a tough, dark, wet, cold winter. I'm more than ready for some nice weather. Hopefully, I'll get some pictures today. I plan on bundling my sister up and taking her outside in her wheelchair. It'll be the first time she's been outside since her stroke, other than being transferred to or from an ambulance. I think she's really going to enjoy it.

Oh, almost forgot to mention my weight. I don't know. I weighed Wednesday and was 187.6. Still terrible, but considering that was right in the middle of a binge I'm pretty sure it's up from Wednesday. I'll find out tomorrow. Weight Watchers again!

Yesterday was a good day. I was determined to get through it with getting in some exercise (6-mile hike in the hills in the woods) and no...