Monday, February 6, 2012

191

Really, do I need to even say anything with a post title like that...191, as in 191 pounds, as in I gained five pounds over the weekend. Should I tell you how angry and disappointed I am in myself? It probably goes without saying, I am not happy with myself.

I've been trying to figure out what is going on with me, why on earth am I so hell bent on killing myself with food?

I have figured out that there's a direct link with how much I eat and how much I visit my sister. Last week I made three visits with to see my sister, two hours each visit. Even though the visits go really well, I find I get terribly depressed after seeing her. When I'm depressed and sad, I eat junk. I know this is a problem, but I seem uncontrollable.

Since the residents of the adult family home where my sister resides are always working on a jigsaw puzzle, but my sister can't seem to figure them out, I bought a puzzle that was for age 3+. She still struggled with it. I worked with her, giving her hints on which pieces might fit, but she had a very hard time.

I bought the wooden block stacking game Jenga. I read online it was good for stroke patients. She was better with this than the puzzle, and we played several times over the weekend (I visited Saturday and Sunday). She remembered how to play it on Sunday, and I think she enjoyed it.

I brought her new tennis shoes that fit. I had to buy two pair, one size 11W for her paralyzed side, and one size 10W for her non-paralyzed side. She use to wear size 9N. We had a good laugh when I tried to force her paralyzed foot into the size 11W. The shoe was huge and her foot really isn't that big, it's swollen and her toes are curling under, so she needed a bigger shoe. No matter how hard I tried to jam her foot into the shoe, it wouldn't fit. Finally, with her talking and talking to me and me not understanding a work, she grabbed the shoe from my hand and showed the open part to me so I could see I missed a big wad of tissue stuck down in the toe. We both had a good laugh over that one.

I took her for a walk outside yesterday in her wheelchair, with her rolling herself along and using her good hand. It was 58 degrees and sunny. She cried for the first five minutes. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. I finally determined she was happy. It was her first time she had been outside since her stroke on September 21, 2011 (other than being transferred into or out of an ambulance).  She was smiling the entire time, looking at everything and talking non-stop (none of it made sense).

I asked her if she remembered her daughter, Camille? I told her Camille wanted to come visit her soon. She waved her hand back and forth and shook her head no. I asked if she knew who I was talking about when I said "Camille". She looked at me and just shrugged her shoulder and put her hand out, like no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

We had some good visits last week, so why does it depress the hell out of me to see her? It makes me sad, I want to cry when I leave her. I feel awful this has happened to her, and I feel awful what has happened to me. I wake up at night, worried about her, worried about her finances. Just worried about everything.

So I eat to make myself feel better. It's not working.


10 comments:

bbubblyb said...

I'm really worried about you Diana. Bottom line no matter what your sister is going through stopping your life to handle hers isn't your full time job. I understand you love her but you need to think about yourself and put yourself first on your list.

As for you feeling depressed maybe it's time to go see someone. I think you mentioned doing that so maybe you already are. But I definitely think that could help. I'm here if you need to talk I know sometimes it's easier talking to someone outside the situation. I sure hope things get better. I wrote a post recently about using the tools I have to help me and saying how food shouldn't be used as a tool. Not that I want to use pills for the rest of my life but I just think therapy, meditation, exercise, medication, etc, all those are tools that could help. I say all this because I care about you. *big hug*

jinxxxygirl said...

I'm not going to recite it........because i bet you know it.......The Serenity Prayer....Your sister is not one of the things you can change.......your weight and how you choose to go thru life is.....tomorrow is gonna come no matter what.......the good, the bad and the ugly.....you choose how to greet it.... Big Hugs sweety....hang in there.....one day a time......deb

Enz said...

My heart goes out to you. My father had a massive stroke and it was so hard to see him go through what your sister is going through. It is hard. All you can do is what you're doing. You can't fix it - all you can do is love her.

Hugs.

Kyle Gershman said...

I...can't...even...imagine.

You are a pillar of strength, but everyone has their limitations.

Use your energy as you see fit...you will get your weight under control...you will.

Perhaps your sister needs you more than you need yourself.

My normal advice would be to take care of yourself first, but that is still a personal choice to make.

Bless you.

Katie J ♥ said...

Sending you virtual hugs Diana! I binged over the weekend too and I think subconsciously I was doing it because of my mom's situation so I know how you feel.

Everyone keeps reminding me to take care of myself and I am trying to remember that.

Hang in there lady!

Lucy said...

Just want to say what an amazing sister you are!

You cry when you leave bcs you wish things were different, but right now, they're not. But know this, you ARE making a difference and you ARE handling it. You ARE strong and you don't need to pretend to be anything more than what you are. That's not what she needs and it's not what you need.

I think you're doing great - you just need a breather...some "me" time. What makes you happy Diane?

There are so many people who can't do what you're doing - it's a gift really. Be proud Diane! You've got something special.

p.s: it's so easy to tell someone else what they need to do, right? I hope you don't mind anything i've written. I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes - I throw no stones. I really do think (for what it's worth) that you are doing something really, really special :)

Honib1 said...

what a tremendously difficult time... as you well know ... you have done everything u can to see your sister gets the best care.. but guess what you have forgotten?
Y O U.. The time is now to remember
Y O U.. instead of trying to eat your anxiety away.. which trust me on this sister I know.. what that is about it... it is time to devote a couple hours a day just to you.. go to the gym .. go for a walk... do something totally selfish that involves physical activity and aerobic exercise .. JUST FOR YOU.. I think if you start getting back into the swing of healthy eating and exercising it will help you manage all this craziness and stressfulness that is in your life... by taking the reins for yourself.. I promise you you will feel great.. You have done it before.. you have just had a momentary lapse because of all of this.. NOW... THINK about Y O U !!!

Diandra said...

Okay, several things.

First, you are doing such a great job taking care of your sister. Be just a little more patient with her, and with yourself. During a stroke, regions of the brain basically die, and it simply takes the body ages to rewire everything. With adequate help and physiotherapy and simply time, much of it should improve. It's tough because you knew her before, and now you have to see her learn so many things again, like a child. But think about it, re-read the posts you wrote right after her stroke, you have come such a long way!

Second, don't be too hard on yourself. We all know that stress-eating is not good, and that the excess weight may (or may not) kill us eventually. But on the one hand beating yourself up only adds to your stress, and on the other hand comfort food can be a good thing. All you have to do is find the less terrible choices that do the job for you. (I'll readily admit, when I am down and the day has been terrible, a bag of crisps sounds great, as does the 300g chocolate bar. But I have found that a good pot of chili and some homemade low-cal baked goodies work just as well, with less damage to the system.)

What else: Oh yes, if you really manage to gain that much weight over the course of two days, without being constipated or something like that, you really need to re-boot your metabolism. There is plenty of information out on the internet (I love Jillian Michael's "Master your metabolism", but from what I know others have invented that wheel as well). I mean, think about it... five pounds, that would mean eating 7,000kcal more than your body needs in two days. You would have to live on pizza and milkshakes to make that happen. (Which I have done before, but still... it's rather unlikely.)

Try to make your peace, with your sister and with yourself. And then start again. You have been doing such a great job in the past, and I am sure you can keep the good work up.

Helen said...

I agree with bbubblyb, it's time for you to seek some help - for yourself. There is no way to lose weight under these circumstances, so the circumstances or the way you think about them needs to change. Get the help you need.

Hugs.

Carrieheff said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this. My first thought was to say don't worry about what you eat and get through this difficult time. But, then after thinking about it I stopped myself and realized that this could go on for quite a while. You need to figure out how to deal with this and take care of yourself or before you know it you will be 240 pounds again, sad and mad at yourself. I so wish I had words of wisdom to help you but I don't. You have to figure this out on your own. What I will say is you are a strong woman and capable of figuring this out. You've done it before when you've been under stress with your job or husband. Pull your strength from that place you got it before and you will get back on track.