Saturday, February 4, 2012

I'm still alive, still fat and still struggling

I never understand how I can let almost two weeks go by and not post a single word. I think about posting, but never seem to have the time, or if I have the time, I can't think of anything to say. Usually it means I'm in a midst of a binge, which was very true this time around. I know posting regularly and reading other weight loss blogs has been a huge help to me in the past four years (I've been blogging for four years this month).

Life is definitely a struggle these days. Talking to attorneys, rehashing the last four months over and over with them, reviewing the legal documents to be filed in court, and dreading and hating the whole legal fiasco. As much as I detest this phrase, it's the truth in my case, "it is what it is". In other words, I'm screwed and the situation is beyond my control. I have to do what is best for my sister and what is best for me. End of story on that one.

My diet and exercise have been bad. Really, really bad. I only made it to the gym three times last week, claiming I was just to exhausted to get out of bed. I walked at lunch a couple days, but my regular walking co-worker is in Geneva this week, so I had to walk with my backup walker, who walks really s-l-o-w. She's about 100 pound overweight and I think has recently gained even more weight. I can barely walk as slowly as she walks. We stopped at Safeway so she could buy some lunch. She bought a big container of barbecued spare ribs and a giant white flour bagel. We've often talked about weight loss and exercise, but I'd never say anything to her about what she eats. I really enjoy her company, but I worry about her. I bought some fresh asparagus to add to my soup for lunch. Even though I was binging at night, I tried to at least eat a healthy breakfast and lunch.

To add to my lack of exercise last week, I fell into a binge cycle. Oddly, I read about a binge on a beloved blogger's post, and it seemed to trigger something in me. I haven't bought binge food for months, things like cookies, cheesecake and chips. I just did not care. After three days of stupid, binge eating, I think I may have come to my senses today. I feel like I got it out of my system and now it's time to move on to better eating and better health.

Today is busy so I need to finish this up and head out. I've cleaned house a little, just to make it bearable. Next up is the gym first, then shopping for a few items for my sister. I also want to pick up a child's puzzle for her, one with big pieces. Also some games I read that are good for stroke patients. Then I'll head over to her home and visit for an hour or two. Then home to make some homemade soup for dinner.

The weather is fantastic here in the Pacific Northwest today. We have S-U-N-S-H-I-N-E!!!! It's suppose to get up to a high of 58. I love it here when the weather is nice. It's been a tough, dark, wet, cold winter. I'm more than ready for some nice weather. Hopefully, I'll get some pictures today. I plan on bundling my sister up and taking her outside in her wheelchair. It'll be the first time she's been outside since her stroke, other than being transferred to or from an ambulance. I think she's really going to enjoy it.

Oh, almost forgot to mention my weight. I don't know. I weighed Wednesday and was 187.6. Still terrible, but considering that was right in the middle of a binge I'm pretty sure it's up from Wednesday. I'll find out tomorrow. Weight Watchers again!


Lethal Astronaut said...

Hi -I think it's like reading about chocolate, or watching a chocolate ad, or seeing it somewhere. You see / hear / read = want.

Which spirals into the negative behaviour again.

Does that make sense?

I've recently been culling my reading list, reducing the blogs until I had a list that was "positive but not TOO positive". I wanted people I could relate to, but not ones that seemed plastic, with no humanity in them at all and everything so great I could hurl.("Gee, I just did my second marathon this week, and I'm 90 pounds and I feel SUPER!!!") (*vomit*).

So yeah, if you read about a binge, close the blog, and look elsewhere for some good stuff. Or do what I do - go brush your teeth straight away. Or do ANYTHING that will take your mind off it. Scrub the toilets, if you have to!

Brooke said...

You are one of my favorite bloggers. I love reading your story - even your struggles - because it makes my day seem bearable knowing I'm not the only one. So, thanks for all your words. You've got so much on your plate, you amaze me. Hang in there Diana! You're amazing. . . remember that!!

Ron said...

Just catching up on your blog, sorry havn't been around much the past few weeks, but I see you have really had a lot to deal with. Sounds like you are doing what's best for your sister. I'm sure you will be rewarded some day for all your going through now.

Miz said...

and thoughts of HANG IN THERE.
it's a new week.

Lyn said...


Mer and Mo said...

Wishing you a really really good week!!!!!! Big Big Hugs!!!!


The title of this post is a joke, there's no new me. It's just the same old me, doing the same old stuff. Just for fun, I went back...