Saturday, June 2, 2012

Now it's time to work on me

As in the case of most weight loss blogger disappearances, no news is usually not good news. I've been gone from here almost a whole month. It's not been a good month. Let's start with my weight. 

208

I feel really awful about my weight gain. I hate being this fat. I feel and look terrible. The emotional and physical pain of being obese is overwhelming. I'm angry at myself that I let this happen. 

I've been wallowing in self-pity for weeks, actually, more like months.  Once I lost control, I couldn't get it back. No food was off limits, and portion control wasn't even something I thought about. The gym, I think I went three times in the last month. 

After being in control for most of the last four years and maintaining my weight under 180 after starting out at 240 in 2008, I thought I had beat my food demons. I was wrong. I wasn't safe from my crazy obsession with food. I struggled but I was slowing losing the battle. 

There is a bit of good news to this sad post. I feel ready to get back in the game. 

I've been reading Bob Harper's book,The Skinny Rules: The Simple, Nonnegotiable Principles for Getting to Thin. Although I haven't been following any of the rules, I've been thinking about them. I'm ready to start. Today. This very minute. 

Almost everything else in my life has been difficult as well, but things are finally starting to turn a corner. Life goes on, things are getting better.

My husband and I are getting along really well the last few weeks. Probably because he went back to work at a great job that he loves. He was out of work for ten months. That was a lot of stress on both of us, a lot of arguments, and he was depressed. He's definitely a lot happier now which is good for both of us.

Things have finally settled down with all things involving my sister. I don't speak to my crazy niece (her oldest daughter). Our last conversation, which was hideous, was in mid-February. There's a Vulnerable Adult Order of Protection filed with the court for my sister against my crazy niece. It's good for five years. My niece has been hospitalized twice for psychiatric issues in the past month and has been diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic. I told you she was crazy. 

All of my sister's property in Fairbanks has been sold. Her house closed last week, and it was a cash sale. It was the easiest real estate transaction I've ever been involved in. It closed exactly two weeks from the time of the offer. Best real estate agent ever, Fairbanks, Alaska, Somers and Associates, Judy Somers. The person that bought my sister's house is a surgeon in Fairbanks and he's going to clear some of the 123 acres of land and have a hobby farm. Just like my sister and her husband did 15 years ago. That made me smile.

I've had an auction of all my sister's personal belongings and her farm equipment. Faribanks Auction, Joe Campbell, best auctioneer I've ever met. Okay, the only one I've ever met but he was wonderful. 

My sister's 2010 and 2011 income tax has been filed (that was a major task). My permanent guardianship has been granted and the Inventory and Guardianship Implementation Plan has been filed with State of Alaska. They told me it looked great and there shouldn't be any problems on getting it approved. It took me weeks days to pull it together. 

My sister and I have settled into a comfortable relationship. I pick her up on Sunday and we do something fun together. The outings vary, and she always seems to enjoy herself. Last week we went to a movie and out to dinner. The weekend before we went to the Museum of Glass in Tacoma (ever heard of Dale Chihuly?). We watched a glass blowing demonstration, toured the museum and had lunch at the museum (delicious Argentinian food), then a movie. This weekend I'm thinking about taking her to the Pt. Defiance Zoo if the weather is half-way decent (not looking like it now), or maybe lunch and the Most Exotic Marigold Hotel movie. She loves movies. Next weekend it's the movie Prometheus for sure. My sister loves science fiction (I do too!).

My sister's condition hasn't changed for several months. She's stabilized. She talks all the time, but I can't understand a word she says, other than an occasional okay or bye-bye. She can't write and I'm unsure if she can read. She acts she can read but then when she orders food at restaurants she always points to the pictures. If there aren't any pictures, she asks me to pick something. She's still completely paralyzed on the right side. There's very little hope that she'll ever get better. She nods yes and no, but often gets them mixed up.

As a last ditch attempt to see if there's anything else that can help my sister, I'm taking her to see a neurologist in Seattle next month. I'm not hopeful, but it's worth a try.  

I adore my sister and I'm happy I can be there for her. One thing I've learned from all of this is that having a severe stroke like my sister is probably one of the most horrific things that can happen to a person. Not being able to communicate is the worst part. I could handle being paralyzed on one side and being in a wheelchair, but not being able to speak or write is unbelievably frustrating for her and everyone around her. We manage and make the best of it, but it's not easy. 

One last thing to mention, my job. It has been a really rough few months with a lot of 55+ hour weeks and working on weekends. We made our deadline on our project, and it's in the testing phase by our QA team. Now there's a hard push to fix all the bugs. I currently have 35 bugs assigned to me. A lot of them are because I took on the bugs of another developer that's still working on writing code for the reporting piece of the project. It's going to be tough to get through the next three weeks, but it still won't be as bad as the past three months. The past three months have been a tiny piece of hell at work.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Work was rough, but better now. My sister's situation has finally settled down. My marriage is in a good place. So now it's time to work on me. My weight loss and my health. Diet and exercise - here I come!

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