Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hitting rock bottom

I think I finally hit rock bottom, and I don't like it here.

1. I tried to pull on a pair of size 16 jeans this morning. I couldn't even get them up over my hips. I had to wear one of the two pairs of size 18's that I bought last week.

2. I don't know how much I weigh. The last time I weighed, last week I think, I was 217. Those size 16 jeans were tight, but at least I could get them on and buttoned.

3. I feel like hell. I get winded walking from my car to my office building and it's a very short walk.

4. Walking up one flight of stairs almost makes me pass out. Three flights almost kills me. How did I managed to climb 69 flights of stairs for the Big Climb last year and I did it in 19 minutes? How could I have let myself go like this?

5. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoid mirrors if I can.

6. My body aches. I don't like the rolls of fat hanging off my body. I'm very uncomfortable in this body. I don't feel like myself.

7. I haven't been to the gym in over a week. I feel stiff and out of sorts.

I could go on and on with this list. I could write a book about my misery over being fat.

So why don't I do something about it? I know that's what you're thinking. I know it's what I'm thinking almost every minute of the day. I'm obsessed with the question, why can't I fix myself?

I'm perfect all day, then every night I'm so tired, so frustrated with myself, so unhappy about what I've done to myself, that suddenly I don't care about any of it. I'm in a vicious cycle of self-destruction.

Tonight I really feel like I've hit bottom. I don't think I can feel much worse than I do right now. Oh, I suppose another 100 pounds might make feel worse, but I'm not sure I would get there because I'm pretty sure the weight I am right now is going to kill me first.

All that being said, I think it's time I made a change. I came home and put all the cookies and praline pecans I bought last night (and ate about half) down the garbage disposal. I wanted the food out of the house, and I wanted to show myself that this food is garbage. This is what makes me feel so awful.

I had a banana for a snack when I came home, with a big glass of water. Dinner is broiled tilapia and roasted Brussels sprouts. Then it's bed, then it's the gym tomorrow morning. I'm even going to set the alarm for 5am. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it to make it through Day 1 and into Day 2.

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