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Showing posts from 2013

Life goes on

My last post was sad. It's so sad that I can't even read it myself. I wanted to delete it, just like I've wanted to delete many of my recent posts. I've decided to leave it. These posts are chronicling my life, even if they are somewhat devastating for me to read. Someday I will look back and this and laugh at myself and all of my melodramatics (at least that's what I hope I feel...someday).

Right now I'm doing "okay". Okay can mean a lot of things, but I think it's better than "not bad". I'm relatively happy for someone who has no idea what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be living next year.

I also don't know how my finances will be affected by my divorce, although I'm sure it will be a negative impact. Washington state is a community property state. I never knew what that meant exactly. I was under the impression it meant a 50/50 property split. I didn't realize it meant my 401k and my pension plan w…

You do not know me

The criminal case against my husband has been thrown out. The assistant prosecutor called me Monday and told me. He is very young and inexperienced. He told me that he didn't think he could win the case. He said it was a "she said/he said" case. I guess the bruises and scrapes on my body, the hair that fell out in clumps the next day from my husband pulling it out, don't mean anything.

Today I read what he wrote about the case and why it was being dismissed. I was devastated. I was called a liar, that I didn't sound like I was afraid on the 911 tape. I finally stood up to the bully and because I didn't run screaming from the house in the middle of the night that what happened to me was my fault. I don't even begin to understand our justice system, but I can certainly see that it's flawed.

I want to send this to the little twerp that's the assistant prosecutor, but I'm not going to. It wouldn't serve any purpose. However, writing it here ha…

I can still laugh

Probably almost everyone has already seen this video since it's gone viral on the internet. Everyone I know has posted it on their Facebook page. Yet it still made me laugh.

My last post was dreadful. I even thought about taking it down. I'm not going to remove it because I think it's important for people to know how the justice system is flawed for the victims of crimes. Delaying the court date four and now possibly five times is ridiculous. Being verbally abused by someone who is the defense attorney (the attorney of the criminal) is just plain evil.

I'm okay now. My roommate is at work today so I sat by the fireplace in my pajamas until noon. Watching stupid stuff on TV, crying, feeling sorry. I continue on with my life, do what I have to do. Work, live, love, laugh.

These are tough times but life goes on no matter what. I have a lot of good stuff in my life too. The assault, the criminal trial, the divorce - these things do not define who I am. I am more than an…

The worst day of my life

I've been having a lot of "worst day of my life" episodes in the past few years. I could start a TV series entitled "Worst Day of My Life".

Yesterday goes down in my book of life as a really bad day. I've gone over it in my head a hundred times reviewing what happened and how I could have handled it differently. I wish I could have a re-do of yesterday. Sadly, what happened is permanently implanted in my brain and my heart.

It started with me renting a U-Haul van to deliver twenty boxes of belongings to my soon-to-be ex-husband's divorce attorney's office. These were computer books and software and the delivery was court-ordered.

Next, I got ready to head to the prosecutor's office for an interview with my husband's defense attorney for the criminal trial scheduled for next week. It was something I didn't want to do, but I was not given a choice in the matter. I knew it would be hard, reliving what happened on November 7, 2012, but I …

The pitter patter of little feet

When I was little my mother would often wake me with a cheerful "Diana, it's time to rise and shine! I want to hear the pitter patter of those little feet on the floor!".  I had a terribly happy mother that was always in a good mood in the morning (and pretty much all the time).

I have been up since 4 a.m. but there has been very little pitter patter of my feet. I am exhausted since I haven't really slept for the last three years.

It's 5:03 a.m. right now. I've been reading blogs the past hour and could happily continue for another hour. But now I really need to move, get my gym clothes on, drive six minutes to the gym, go inside, and really move body.

I don't want to move. I want to sit here by the fireplace, in my recliner, with my kitty curled up on my stomach as I type on my laptop. My kitty, Mickey, is the love of my life. White, longish fur, with a red head and red tail and he is Mr. Personality Plus. He never fails to make me smile. I really hate t…

My first day back on Weight Watchers

I made it through my first day of Weight Watchers without feeling completely starved and only mildly deprived. I actually tracked every bite and stayed within my Points.

I don't remember the last time I tracked an entire day of food. It was interesting that even though I don't have that ridiculous 100% focus on weight loss that makes me somewhat psycho (okay, a LOT psycho), I still made really good choices.

At the movie I refused the buttered popcorn my friend offered to me, but I did indulge in his Junior Mints. I used my Weight Watcher phone app and scanned the bar code. Sixteen Junior Mints is 5 Points. I counted out 16 mints, placed them on a napkin and ate them one by one, savoring each bite. They would have been better if they were frozen but this theater doesn't freeze them. My sister, who was with us (and is with us every Sunday) thought the whole thing was hysterically funny.

My friend thought I was just plain nuts and tried to convince me to eat whatever I wan…

A Divine Intervention

Last week was one of the most difficult and emotional weeks I've had in a long time. This coming from a woman who has had the most difficult year of her life.

I had to go to court two times last week. One for being held in contempt of court by my estranged husband for ridiculous charges. This was the third time for the same imagined offense. He claimed I had returned his computers to his attorney with the hard drives wiped clean. This is simply not true. They were in working condition when I delivered them to his attorney's office in March. I have been to court three times over this charge and the first two times the judge told him to bring in evidence. I had contacted a computer forensics specialist and he told a hard drive kept a record on it of the exact date and time it was wiped clean. Each time my husband showed up in court he was suppose to present the evidence. Naturally, since it never happened he never had any evidence.

As I drove to court on Wednesday I prayed. I p…

Dancing through the fire

Yes, that is a line from Katy Perry's song, Roar. It's one of my favorite new workout songs. Thanks a lot Ms. Miley for ruining Blurred Lines for me. Every time I hear it - I now think of herand all the press coverage and the endless videos on the news of your bump and grind routine. That image is forever burned in my head (ugh!).

So how is my life right now? I can honestly say, at this moment in time, today, all is good. I'm happy. All the junk is still in my life, the pending divorce trial (in November) the criminal trial against my husband (in October), the 50% chance that my rare and aggressive cancer will come back, my sister never recovered any mobility from after her stroke, my job is stressful, and I'm still fat. All the usual stuff that everyone has in their day to day life (okay, I admit, perhaps my is a little more drama filled than most).

Even with everything going on, I'm a pretty happy lady these days. I got back to the gym this week and stopped tak…

She's alive!

I'm still here and doing well. Or as well as one could expect for someone like me, which so many issues.

It was eight weeks ago today that I had a total abdominal hysterectomy, and seven weeks since I was told I had a very rare and aggressive form of cancer, uterine leiomyosarcoma, Stage IB. There isn't any chemo or radiation for this type of cancer. At Stage I since it usually doesn't respond well to either one. The treatment is just "wait and see". Even after surgery to remove the sarcoma, it will often metastasize into the lungs or liver within six to seventeen months 50% chance, maybe 40% if I look on the bright side.

It's been less than 48 hours since my second surgery to remove my remaining ovary. It was a laparscopic surgery and was suppose to take an hour. It took two hours and then seven hours in recovery because I was throwing up and in an incredible amount of pain. I found out later from my surgeon that she had a lot of trouble finding my remaining…

Kale chips are not potato chips and the beauty of mindfulness

For at least a year I've been reading on different blogs about delicious kale chips. I bought two big bunches of organic kale at Whole Foods and finally, yesterday, I set about making my fake potato chips. I found a recipe online that was five stars, it was kale, olive oil and sea salt.

After carefully washing my kale, putting it in the salad spinner to remove all moisture, tossing it with the olive oil and sea salt, then spreading it out in a single layer on my biggest cookie sheet, baking ten minutes at 275 degrees, flipping each piece of kale over and baking another ten minutes, I sat down for what I expected to be a delicious treat.

They were crunchy and beautiful. I took a bite and my conclusion, YUK! Are you kidding me?! I had a mouthful of nasty, powdery, KALE. Disgusting. I don't know how anyone could say they taste "just like potato chips". They tasted just like...well, baked kale.

I went back and looked at the recipe and reviews again. I had followed it e…

Be gentle with yourself

Be gentle with yourself. How many times have I received this advice over the years? From my friends, my relatives, my coworkers and my blog friends (who I consider real friends).

I heard the words, but I didn't listen to them. I didn't know how to be gentle with myself. I didn't know how important it was to really live these four little words, "Be gentle with yourself".

The diagnosis of cancer is opening my eyes to so many things. Staring my own mortality in the face is making me take stock of my life. I'm seeing things so differently now. I never would have done this without cancer. I would have continued stumbling through life, dealing with things like I always have, filled with anger at the unfairness of it all. I have always stressed out over the smallest things, and the bigger the event, the bigger the stress reaction. Now I have to step back, re-evaluate and think about what I'm doing to my body internally when I react to external forces.

I'm r…

The food we eat and cancer

Yesterday I went through my freezer, refrigerator, pantry and cabinets and threw away things that I considered unhealthy. I couldn't believe the pile of stuff I had when I was done. I didn't realize how much processed food I had been eating.

Even things I thought were sort of healthy, I ended up throwing out. Like Dreyers frozen fruit bars and Chobani Greek yogurt had a lot of added sugar. No wonder I loved this stuff. I'm looking at sugar as the enemy now. The last thing I want to do is feed the cancer cells.

I found an interesting article on sugar and cancer written by a doctor from the University of Texas, 'Does cancer love sugar?'. Even though the naturopath oncologist agreed with me that sugar feeds cancer, that's not necessarily true. It's more what sugar does to the waistline and it's addictive properties (which I know all about). This article recommends a maximum of 26 grams (6 teaspoons) of sugar a day for women.

If I ate just one non-fat Cho…

Lifestyle changes...a matter of life or death

I saw the naturopath oncologist on Thursday. She provided me with a wealth of information. Sadly, I was turned off by her pushiness to sell me $200 worth of supplements (a one-month supply) at the end of our appointment.

We got into a bit of an argument when I told her my current situation, divorce and now medical bills, had created a very tight budget for me. She got nasty and said this was my life we were talking about and if I wanted to live I needed to take these supplements, and of course, buy them from her since "they were of the highest pharmaceutical quality". I told her well, if it was a choice of a roof over my head or the supplements then I would have to choose the roof. It sort of ruined the good feelings I had been feeling up to that point.

Regardless, I did walk away with a lot of knowledge and $100 of "essential" supplements that she said was a must. I haven't taken any of them yet since I have to run them by my traditional oncologist to make s…

A new lease on life

As weird as this is going to sound, in a way, I'm thankful for my cancer diagnosis. You probably think I've lost my mind but it's given me new energy to fight for my life, as well an appreciation for this world that I've never had before.

I had my follow-up appointment with my oncologist and after reviewing my pathology report there were some positive numbers on it that increase my odds of surviving cancer. Perhaps moving it from 50% to a 60% five-year survival rate. Of course, these numbers are just a crap shoot and no one really knows.

Since this cancer doesn't respond well to chemo or radiation those are both off the table for now. I didn't know this but every cancer has it's own chemo cocktail. ULMS (uterine leiomyosarcoma) is so rare that it doesn't have it's own special chemo cocktail. They use what they think might work but so far the results haven't been good. If the cancer does come back, it will require more surgery and then they wil…

I have cancer

I had my total abdominal hysterectomy on April 11. After the surgery my oncologist surgeon told me everything looked good. She was sure I didn't have cancer. Since there was less than 1% chance that my fibroid was cancerous I felt confident that everything was good.

The surgery went well, although the pain after the surgery was hideous. I have a six inch vertical cut from my belly button down to right above my pelvic bone. It's not pretty but it was necessary to remove my uterus and the fibroid intact.

When I came out of the recovery room my three best friends were there waiting for me. I'm really lucky to have such great friends that care for me. I don't know how I'd get through this without them.

My body parts, uterus, fibroid, cervix and one ovary (one was left inside of me) were all sent to the lab to be biopsied. On April 17th I received a phone call from my surgeon's associate (my doctor was on vacation) that I have Uterine Leiomyosarcoma. She told me i…

Update on surgery...there is no update

Well, it turns out that surgeons are human after all. Who knew? Just as my ride to the hospital pulled into my driveway yesterday at 7:30am, I received a phone call from the hospital that my surgeon had called in sick.

I wasn't mad at all, just terribly disappointed. It never occurred to me that my surgeon might get sick. I hadn't taken a Vicodin at 2am when the last dose had worn off. Since I couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight, I couldn't take the Vicodin. It makes me really nauseated if I take it without food. By 4am I thought if I wasn't going to the hospital in a few hours that I'd be driving myself to the ER. The pain was excruciating. The first thing I did after the phone call was take two Vicodin and go to bed.

The surgery is scheduled for Thrusday, 4/11 at 6am. This morning I thought I'd try to go without the Vicodin, and if I was okay, I'd go into the office. As expceted, the pain was once again unbearable and constant. In the beginn…

Update on my health issue

Below is an email I sent this morning to my friends, family and coworkers. I thought it was easier to just post this here too for my few friends I have out in the blog world.

Thank you for your kind emails. I haven't been very good about responding to anyone. I'm sorry. I'm sort of in a tizzy with everything happening so fast.

I'll post once I'm home on Wednesday or Thursday.

******************** Hi everyone, Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate it. I've been debating on how much to tell everyone about what's going on with my health. I've decided to give you some details since I told a couple of you there was a chance of cancer. If you don't want to know any of this, you should stop reading now. :) ********************
In January I started having some lower abdominal/pelvic pain. Mostly cramping with some stabbing pains. It went away after a week so I didn't think much about it.
About two weeks ago the pain start…

Taking my good health for granted

Right now, I'm playing the waiting game. Waiting to hear if I have endometrial cancer. I keep telling myself I'm sure I don't have cancer. I don't "feel" like I have cancer. Yet there's that little voice in my head that keeps reviewing the statistics. Statistically, the odds are stacked against me.

Ive been thinking about the obesity factor. Obesity greater than 50 pounds over ideal body weight is 10 times more likely to develop endometrial cancer. I don't think I've ever heard this statistic before. If I had, would it have made a difference in my weight? Sadly, probably not. Because like most people, I thought I was invincible. I've always been blessed with good health. I thought that it would last forever. I was wrong.

Out of the higher risk factors for endometrial cancer, I have four of them: obesity, postmenopausal, lack of children and hypertension. I appear to be a textbook case for having endometrial cancer. Yet I still think this can&…

Endometrial cancer biopsy of a nulliparous woman

Nulliparous:  a woman that has never given birth.

I wanted to post this while the experience is fresh in my mind. Also, if there's anyone out there that does a search for this, they can read about my experience.

I finished the procedure about 20 minutes ago. I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt, because it hurt like hell. The good part is it only hurt like hell for about three minutes. The other fifteen minutes were uncomfortable, but completely bearable. Those three minutes were bearable too since I'm sitting here writing about it, but it was some pretty intense pain. On my scale, I'd give it a 7 or 8. I've never given birth or had anything really bad to compare it too, so I probably tend to rate my pain higher than most people.

I am a nulliparous woman, meaning I have never given birth. To get to the uterus my doctor had to insert a very slender straw-like tube through my cervix. The tube appeared to be less than 1/8 of an inch and I thought it wouldn…

I have the biopsy procedure today

Today is the biopsy of my uterus to check for endometrial cancer. I've already decided I don't have cancer and this is just a precaution. You know, positive thinking will make anything bad go away. I can't tell you how many of my friends, who mean well, keep telling me to think positive. It sort of makes me giggle. Like positive thoughts can wipe out cancer.

Regardless, I really don't think I have cancer, and I'm only having the biopsy because my doctor recommended it. Probably another unnecessary, expensive procedure to cover their backside. I think a lot of these procedures the doctors do are so they don't get sued later down the road in case there is something wrong. I guess better safe than sorry.

I'm more worried about the two little pills I have to insert vaginally in about two hours, six hours before the procedure when they insert a thin tube up through my vagina, through my cervix and into my uterus. Then a machine will suck out some cells out of …

What can happen when you're obese

It's been a tough week. Ha! What else is new with me? Every week seems to be a tough week. Now a health concern on top of everything else.

I had the CT scan on Tuesday and was told it was a large fibroid and an ovarian cyst on my right side. The gynecologist was concerned I might have ovarian cancer so she ordered a ultrasound yesterday.  I had the ultrasound and the technician showed me  the screen. We could see the huge fibroid filling up my entire uterus. It grossed me out.

My gynecologist called me at 2pm and told me the good news is the ovarian cyst doesn't look like cancer, however, my fibroid isn't a fibroid. It's endometriosis, where the lining of my uterus has become so thick that it's taking up my entire uterus.

Monday I'll have a biopsy done where they'll stick a tube up through my cervix and into my uterus to get cell samples. That doesn't always work, and if id doesn't then a "scraping". Even if it's not cancer then she…

Life is good!

Yesterday was a very bad day. From the start to the end, then my doctor called me and everything was suddenly much better.

A recap of my day from hell:

1. My commute to work is usually 20 minutes. It was over an hour. There was a 10-mile backup on the freeway on my way to work. My I5 commute is 10 miles, and yes, the backup was my entire 10 miles.

2. When I finally got to work I was informed there was a bad bug in our beta software that was in two stations. It was my bug. I skipped a couple meetings to work on it. Luckily it was an easy fix, but a stupid mistake on my part. It got past me and the testers but was found in the field after a week of beta.

3. My project manager informed me that my estimate for a hideous project I've been assigned is too large. I need to cut it back. I've never been asked to do this before so it was kind of a shock. My estimates are usually right on the mark so I have no idea how I can squeeze six months of work into four. Especially when the req…

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

I fought like hell to get my blog back up, then I don't post anything for almost a month. I've been busy, but not that busy!

I don't feel like I have anything exciting or interesting to talk about in regards to weight loss or exercise. My weight went up to 206 even thought I've been going to Weight Watcher meetings consistently. The problem is that I haven't been "doing" Weight Watchers. Just paying the monthly fee and sitting through the meetings isn't enough. My best friend has been going with me and in the same time we've been going regularly (about eight weeks), she's lost 13 pounds. I could kick myself for not getting on plan. Every day I say I will, every day I don't. Same old story.

Same with the gym, I was going on a regular basis but then got too busy. I had a great workout on Saturday, but that was my last workout.

In my defense, as lame as it is, I'm having some sort of health problem. According to Google, my symptoms indi…

Sunday Update

I'm running a bit late this morning, but now that I have my blog back I'm committed to posting on a daily basis again. I also intend to get back to reading my favorite blogs and leaving comments. Just like the old days.

Yesterday was a bust as far as exercise and journaling my food. I spent twelve solid hours on the computer trying to finish the annual report for the Alaska court for he guardianship and conservatorship of my sister. I forgot just how much of mess last year's financial piece was for her. Selling the house, selling her apartment complex, the two auctions for her personal belongings and one for the farm equipment, along with numerous other financial dealings I handled for her. I forgot what a hell of a year it was after her stroke. I finally got it all in Quicken after twelve hours but the numbers came up wrong so I still have more work to do on it.

I was anxious and upset all day yesterday and couldn't figure out why. About 9 p.m. I burst into tears. I…

I'm back - I was shut down by Blogger as SPAM

Blogger took down my blog as SPAM. I had too many anonymous comments that were SPAM and their automated system thought this was a SPAM blog. It took a little work to get it back up but I finally figured out how to do it. Once I figure out how, got the required information submitted, the appeal team immediately put it back up. Whew! I missed you guys. I've had to turn on moderated comments because I have to keep those spammer anonymous comments from posting or I could be taken down again.

A lot has happened the last few months. Most important is that I re-joined Weight Watchers again in mid-December. I've only lost 12.6 pounds which means I've made my 5%. This isn't setting any records but at least it's a start. Down to 205.

I went to my Weight Watcher meeting yesterday and found out my leader is retiring. I actually cried. She's the best Weight Watcher leader in the world. I found out why she's quitting. It's because she makes her meetings unique and th…