Saturday, March 30, 2013

What can happen when you're obese

It's been a tough week. Ha! What else is new with me? Every week seems to be a tough week. Now a health concern on top of everything else.

I had the CT scan on Tuesday and was told it was a large fibroid and an ovarian cyst on my right side. The gynecologist was concerned I might have ovarian cancer so she ordered a ultrasound yesterday.  I had the ultrasound and the technician showed me  the screen. We could see the huge fibroid filling up my entire uterus. It grossed me out.

My gynecologist called me at 2pm and told me the good news is the ovarian cyst doesn't look like cancer, however, my fibroid isn't a fibroid. It's endometriosis, where the lining of my uterus has become so thick that it's taking up my entire uterus.

Monday I'll have a biopsy done where they'll stick a tube up through my cervix and into my uterus to get cell samples. That doesn't always work, and if id doesn't then a "scraping". Even if it's not cancer then she needs to know what is causing the endometrium to grow out of control. This is extremely rare in postmenopausal women.

Google has told me what caused this medical condition. It's on every "postmenopausal endometreosis" website I visited. The number one risk factor is OBESITY. I have the next several risk facts as well, but the most shocking and hard to handle one is obesity. That was in my control. There others were out of my control.

I also looked at my medical history on my clinic's website. I signed up for it yesterday so it was the first time I've looked at it. There it was, in 2004 when I weighed 240 pounds. The words hurt.


I know I'm fat, obese, morbidly obese, but to see it there in print where someone typed it in, (in all caps -- nothing else was in all caps), it was like a kick in the head. I remember the doctor too. A tiny little Asian woman. I remember the conversation we had about it. I remember immediately, within a couple days anyway, joining Weight Watchers and losing a significant amount of weight. Now I've gained most of it back. Now I'm paying the price with my health.

I screwed up. Big time. This is my fault. The fact that I have to have a complete hysterectomy. Even the fact I might have cancer. I did this to myself. There's no one else to blame. I knew the risks of being morbidly obese. I thought I could get away with it. I was wrong.

I'm over the initial shock of the whole thing. I got the news yesterday. Got angry at myself, but it's too late now. The damage is done. If it's cancer, I'll deal with it. If it's not, then it's just a simple hysterectomy. Not a huge deal.

Either way, this is an eye opener for me. I'm another statistic of what happens when we let ourselves get obese. I suppose I'm like a smoker that doesn't think they'll get cancer. I won't happen to me!

My immediate goal is to start on a really healthy eating plan and exercise. I've let that slide lately. Now that I have surgery in my near future I know I won't be able to lose much weight before the surgery, but I can at least get on a healthy eating track.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Life is good!

Yesterday was a very bad day. From the start to the end, then my doctor called me and everything was suddenly much better.

A recap of my day from hell:

1. My commute to work is usually 20 minutes. It was over an hour. There was a 10-mile backup on the freeway on my way to work. My I5 commute is 10 miles, and yes, the backup was my entire 10 miles.

2. When I finally got to work I was informed there was a bad bug in our beta software that was in two stations. It was my bug. I skipped a couple meetings to work on it. Luckily it was an easy fix, but a stupid mistake on my part. It got past me and the testers but was found in the field after a week of beta.

3. My project manager informed me that my estimate for a hideous project I've been assigned is too large. I need to cut it back. I've never been asked to do this before so it was kind of a shock. My estimates are usually right on the mark so I have no idea how I can squeeze six months of work into four. Especially when the requirements aren't even done so there a many unknowns.

3. I found out from my accountant that filing my taxes is going to be difficult. Filing "married, filing separately", in a community property state, when you're not speaking to your spouse because of a restraining order, makes it hard. Involves a tax accountant and attorneys.

4. I bounced a check at my credit union. It didn't really bounce but I received a nasty note from my credit union that although the money was in my savings I had exceeded the six transfers allowed per month from savings to checking. They paid it but charged me $25 NSF fee (!). This is a tiny little credit union through my company. They are my temporary bank so I could my check deposited somewhere besides our old joint checking account. My check goes into savings, a mistake I made when I set up the direct deposit. I tried to change it last night and the system locked me out and said I couldn't make any changes to my direct deposit. So now my check is set to be deposited no where and tomorrow is payday (!).

5. The CT scan. Drinking the barium and getting shot with dye wasn't bad. The barium is gross and I gagged a little but I got down the two bottles. Then the incredible pain started. I really thought I was going to die. After the CT scan I came home and went to bed, in the fetal position. I was in tears from the pain. It finally subsided after a few hours and a lot ibuprofen and several trips to the bathroom.

6. My niece's husband called me around 6pm. This is the niece that's suppose to come down from Alaska on Easter to see her mother (my sister). It would be the first time she's seen her mom since I moved her down here January 2012. Her husband told me my niece had tried to commit suicide that morning by taking a bottle of Tylenol and a bottle of aspirin. 250 pills. Luckily when he found her past out ont he couch when he came home from work, he rushed her to the ER. He said she was incoherent and throwing up. The good news is that she'll be okay. She was in the psych ward about three weeks ago for a week stay, and tried to check herself in again last week but they sent her home. As soon as she's out of ICU they'll put her in the psych ward again. I truly don't understand depression and suicide, but I know she must be in terrible pain to do something like this. This is about her twelfth attempt in the last fifteen years.

Now for the GOOD news (yes, there's really good news from yesterday). My doctor called me about 7:30pm. Of course that scared me because the clinic closes at 5pm. They know what's wrong with me and it's not terrible, and is totally fixable. I have an 8.5 centimeter uterine fibroid (3 1/2")--this is probably why I feel like my insides are going to fall out. I wrote down "abnormal" next to it in my notes but I don't remember why. I also have an ovarian cyst on my right ovary. That's where the pain is the most intense when a  pain episode starts (and they're happening more often now and more intense). My doctor referred me to an OB/GYN doctor who will be calling me today. She said I'll probably need a hysterectomy, but they'll discuss that with me more. I'm just thrilled to know what has been causing the pain and that it can be fixed. No signs of cancer and mostly likely the cyst isn't cancerous and fibroids are never cancerous.

So even though it was a hell of a day, it ended on a very good note. I'm so happy that it wasn't all in my head and that it can be fixed. Life is good!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

I fought like hell to get my blog back up, then I don't post anything for almost a month. I've been busy, but not that busy!

I don't feel like I have anything exciting or interesting to talk about in regards to weight loss or exercise. My weight went up to 206 even thought I've been going to Weight Watcher meetings consistently. The problem is that I haven't been "doing" Weight Watchers. Just paying the monthly fee and sitting through the meetings isn't enough. My best friend has been going with me and in the same time we've been going regularly (about eight weeks), she's lost 13 pounds. I could kick myself for not getting on plan. Every day I say I will, every day I don't. Same old story.

Same with the gym, I was going on a regular basis but then got too busy. I had a great workout on Saturday, but that was my last workout.

In my defense, as lame as it is, I'm having some sort of health problem. According to Google, my symptoms indicate a bladder infection or ovarian cancer. I know what you're thinking, stop looking up my symptoms on Google. Unfortunately, I'm very high risk for ovarian cancer. Age, postmenopausal, obesity (increases risk by 50%), reproductive history (never had kids - makes me a big risk), family history -- we're pretty sure my mom died from ovarian cancer, per her doctor, but they never ran any tests. He said since she was so old - 86 - and she was going to die anyway they didn't want to bother with doing any tests. Wish I'd forced the issue on that one.

My doctor ruled out a bladder infection based on the urinalysis. Now she wants me to do blood work and get a CT scan. That was on Monday. Monday night I felt a lot better and thought it was a waste of money to get the extra tests done. Last night I thought I was dying so I'm calling today to schedule the CT scan. I'll get the blood work done too. It's better to try to find out what's wrong. I had an episode of the same kind of pain in January but it went away. Now it's back with a vengeance, with the pain much more intense this time.

Okay, enough about my health. Want to hear how the divorce is going? Probably the worse divorce I've witnessed. I had to go to court last week on something trivial for another hearing. It's crazy because each time we have to go to court, it costs me a big chunk of money (I have to go with my attorney). I won't go into details about what my husband wanted, but the judge ruled in my favor.

The bills are astronomical since I'm paying for everything, including his health and auto insurance (which annoys me, ordered by the court since he's still not working).

His criminal trial is scheduled for June 11. Really dreading it since I have to testify. My best friend will be there with me. It'll be a jury trial with witnesses (there weren't any witnesses so not sure what they're talking about - except the police were there). I've already read about 30 pages of lies my husband has written about me and submitted in court. Some pretty amazing works of fiction, which I believe is considered perjury.  The divorce trial is still scheduled November 3.

I wish this year was over. I want it to be 2014.

My sister is doing well. I took her to lunch and for her hair appointment on Sunday. She seems to be happy. She continues to try to talk, and talks up a storm. Watching her try to tell the stylist how she wanted her hair done was rather comical. I always tell the stylist what she wants and usually my sister doesn't try to say anything. On Sunday she started chatting up a storm witht he stylist. I was sitting across the room and watched for about a minute. The stylist knows my sister had a stroke, but it was the first time my sister tried to talk to her. I thought I'd better rescue the stylist and went over to try and figure out what my sister was saying. We finally figured out she wanted her bangs cut short (we think that's what she wanted). My sister is talking more than ever, but it just doesn't make any sense. She can say "okay", "yeah" and "alright". That's the extent of her vocabulary that's understandable. I keep hoping that someday she'll say more words I can understand.

My niece is coming for a visit over Easter to see her mother (my sister). I told my sister and she shook her head no, over and over, and then cried non-stop for ten mintues. I finally told her that maybe she wouldn't come and to not worry about it so much and she finally stopped crying. This is my good niece, my sister's favorite child. She has a lot of mental issues, but she's very kind and sweet. She's on bipolar meds, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic meds, as well as a couple meds for depression. She checked herself into the hospital about a month ago and was admitted to the psych ward for a week. Then last week she went back to the hospital but they called her husband to come get her. She's 48 and a mess. Her husband called Friday and said she's not coming down. She call Sunday and said she is coming down. I'd prefer she wait until she's got her head on straight, but doubt that will ever happen.

After reading this, I can see why I haven't posted for the last month. A rather sad and pathetic story. Oh well, it's my life right now.  I'm still standing, still going to work every day. I still have amazing and wonderful friends, and my faith in God. It's all good. I'll get through this period. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?