Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

I fought like hell to get my blog back up, then I don't post anything for almost a month. I've been busy, but not that busy!

I don't feel like I have anything exciting or interesting to talk about in regards to weight loss or exercise. My weight went up to 206 even thought I've been going to Weight Watcher meetings consistently. The problem is that I haven't been "doing" Weight Watchers. Just paying the monthly fee and sitting through the meetings isn't enough. My best friend has been going with me and in the same time we've been going regularly (about eight weeks), she's lost 13 pounds. I could kick myself for not getting on plan. Every day I say I will, every day I don't. Same old story.

Same with the gym, I was going on a regular basis but then got too busy. I had a great workout on Saturday, but that was my last workout.

In my defense, as lame as it is, I'm having some sort of health problem. According to Google, my symptoms indicate a bladder infection or ovarian cancer. I know what you're thinking, stop looking up my symptoms on Google. Unfortunately, I'm very high risk for ovarian cancer. Age, postmenopausal, obesity (increases risk by 50%), reproductive history (never had kids - makes me a big risk), family history -- we're pretty sure my mom died from ovarian cancer, per her doctor, but they never ran any tests. He said since she was so old - 86 - and she was going to die anyway they didn't want to bother with doing any tests. Wish I'd forced the issue on that one.

My doctor ruled out a bladder infection based on the urinalysis. Now she wants me to do blood work and get a CT scan. That was on Monday. Monday night I felt a lot better and thought it was a waste of money to get the extra tests done. Last night I thought I was dying so I'm calling today to schedule the CT scan. I'll get the blood work done too. It's better to try to find out what's wrong. I had an episode of the same kind of pain in January but it went away. Now it's back with a vengeance, with the pain much more intense this time.

Okay, enough about my health. Want to hear how the divorce is going? Probably the worse divorce I've witnessed. I had to go to court last week on something trivial for another hearing. It's crazy because each time we have to go to court, it costs me a big chunk of money (I have to go with my attorney). I won't go into details about what my husband wanted, but the judge ruled in my favor.

The bills are astronomical since I'm paying for everything, including his health and auto insurance (which annoys me, ordered by the court since he's still not working).

His criminal trial is scheduled for June 11. Really dreading it since I have to testify. My best friend will be there with me. It'll be a jury trial with witnesses (there weren't any witnesses so not sure what they're talking about - except the police were there). I've already read about 30 pages of lies my husband has written about me and submitted in court. Some pretty amazing works of fiction, which I believe is considered perjury.  The divorce trial is still scheduled November 3.

I wish this year was over. I want it to be 2014.

My sister is doing well. I took her to lunch and for her hair appointment on Sunday. She seems to be happy. She continues to try to talk, and talks up a storm. Watching her try to tell the stylist how she wanted her hair done was rather comical. I always tell the stylist what she wants and usually my sister doesn't try to say anything. On Sunday she started chatting up a storm witht he stylist. I was sitting across the room and watched for about a minute. The stylist knows my sister had a stroke, but it was the first time my sister tried to talk to her. I thought I'd better rescue the stylist and went over to try and figure out what my sister was saying. We finally figured out she wanted her bangs cut short (we think that's what she wanted). My sister is talking more than ever, but it just doesn't make any sense. She can say "okay", "yeah" and "alright". That's the extent of her vocabulary that's understandable. I keep hoping that someday she'll say more words I can understand.

My niece is coming for a visit over Easter to see her mother (my sister). I told my sister and she shook her head no, over and over, and then cried non-stop for ten mintues. I finally told her that maybe she wouldn't come and to not worry about it so much and she finally stopped crying. This is my good niece, my sister's favorite child. She has a lot of mental issues, but she's very kind and sweet. She's on bipolar meds, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic meds, as well as a couple meds for depression. She checked herself into the hospital about a month ago and was admitted to the psych ward for a week. Then last week she went back to the hospital but they called her husband to come get her. She's 48 and a mess. Her husband called Friday and said she's not coming down. She call Sunday and said she is coming down. I'd prefer she wait until she's got her head on straight, but doubt that will ever happen.

After reading this, I can see why I haven't posted for the last month. A rather sad and pathetic story. Oh well, it's my life right now.  I'm still standing, still going to work every day. I still have amazing and wonderful friends, and my faith in God. It's all good. I'll get through this period. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?


june said...

Diana, I don't know what your exact symptoms are, but ask your doctor about possible fibroids. I had four of them, growing slowly over the years, undetected, undiagnosed for years, until 10 years ago.

I won't subject you to the gory (and scary) details, but suffice it to say that it'd be a good idea to ask your doctor or gynecologist about it, and ask for an ultrasound and an MRI, specifically checking for fibroids.

I've read in Christiane Northrop's brilliant book, 'Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom,' that, although fibroids are very real and a very real medical condition, the causes of them are up for debate. She believes that they are caused by blocked energy, or creativity that wasn't allowed to flourish, or was stifled.

If you can get the book at your local library, do read it - not just for symptoms, but for your overall health (mental, emotional as well as physical well being). It's been in print for years now, and I believe is updated/revised every couple of years, to keep up with all the latest medical advances/treatments, etc.

I hope everything turns out alright for you, Diana.

kathyj333 said...

I wish you the best with all of your legal issues. I'm keeping you in my thoughts prayers.

safire said...

You are such a fighter. I'm so inspired by you and wish you nothing but the best.

Good luck with everything!

Diandra said...

Okay. First: Do those pesky tests. I don't care how expensive they are - if it's something nasty, the earlier they catch it the better. And if it isn't you can stop worrying right away.

Second: Tell your niece not to come. If she is not good for your sister and your sister does not want to see her, tell her. (Sounds harsh, but as I see it your sister is rather helpless, so protecting her is more important than having the niece have her way. And my memory is a mess, but I remember there was trouble with this niece as well... ?)

Third: Don't worry, 2013 will be over in a pinch. Can't believe we're almost 1/4 done already. Good luck with your trials and divorce, and don't worry about your weight as much as about your health! I'll keep lighting candles for you...

Heather Leonard said...

Losing weight can be so hard when there's other stresses and things to think about in life, you should never beat yourself up about it! Just remember there are never set backs and only learning curves!

Keep being strong :)