Sunday, December 28, 2014

Regained it all...again

Let's just cut to the chase here. I've been on a year-long "eat whatever I want" path, and it's caught up with me. After months of carefully stepping around the scale and avoiding it like the plague, I stepped on it this morning. I knew it was going to be bad, and it was just as bad as I thought. No surprises. My weight is back to what it was even before I started this blog over seven years ago.


There are many words to explain how I feel about this. "Horrible" because I screwed up (again). "Sad" that I did this to myself (again). "Happy" that I feel ready to start on a healthy path. "Excited" because I remember the rewards of a healthy diet and exercise plan. "Fear" that I will fail and be fat forever. 

As usual, I have no explanation for my bad behavior. I'm relatively happy. Yesterday was my 31-year anniversary working for a really great company that I love. My career is good, my job is secure. My divorce has been final for almost one year. December 31 will mark one year since I was legally divorced, and that was a huge, uphill battle. I'm madly in love with my boyfriend of almost two years, he's truly the love of my life. My house is now "MY" house legally (that was another year-long battle with my ex). 

So what the hell happened? I don't know. That's where the fear comes in. If I can't figure out why I regained the weight again, how will I ever keep it off? 

Right now my plan is just to take it a step at a time. First step, lose the weight. While losing the weight I'll try to figure out what is so messed up in my head that I think over-eating can solve all my problems. I need to do some soul searching and identify those problems and figure out how to cope without food. 

I know some kind souls out there will probably suggest therapy. I've tried it, and I'm a pathetic candidate for therapy. I've had one or two sessions with at least four therapists in the past two years. I actually saw one therapist for three sessions. She's the one I liked the best. Unfortunately, after three sessions she told me there was nothing wrong with me. She said I had my head on straight, that I was smart, and I knew what to do. She didn't think there was any need for further therapy. I had to agree with her since she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself, or anything I should do to be a better me that I didn't already know. So it's a no on therapy.

I just signed up with Weight Watchers online. What's with the chat thing they have now? I hate chatting with people I don't know. I actually hate online chatting with people I do know. I really just wanted it for logging food and exercise, and the recipes. Maybe I'll transition into meetings again, but maybe not. I'm not sure yet. 

What triggered my "I've got to do something now!" was a clothes shopping expedition yesterday. Holy cow! When did I go from a size 16 to an 18W pant size? I knew all my pants were tight and causing me pain, but I didn't really pay much attention. It was a horrifying experience looking at myself in a 3-way mirror. 

So I'm back at it again. I bet if I searched that word "again" on this blog it would probably come up hundreds of times. At least I'm going to give it my best effort. 

If anyone actually is reading this, thank you. I almost gave up on blogging. It seems like so many people I started blogging with years ago have quit. I still read the few of you that are active, but I rarely comment. I guess because I felt like a hypocrite if I left a word of encouragement when I was doing so poorly myself. 

Happy post-Christmas and pre-New Years to everyone. I shall be back tomorrow to report how my first day went back in the healthy world.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Hello world!

Last week I wrote my first little program in Swift, the new iOS (Apple) software language. All first programs written in a new software language are called "Hello world!" where you write a program that simply says those two little words. It seemed appropriate for this post since I feel like I'm starting over from square one on the weight loss and exercise.

My weight is back up in the 220's. I'm not even sure what I weigh since I haven't been on the scale for a few weeks. My 59th birthday was last Thursday. I'm out of shape and feel every year of my 59 years.

I've noticed about 75% of the bloggers in my blog roll are gone. I wonder if they did the same as me and just gave up and decided not to write about it anymore. I completely understand that line of thinking because that's where I've been for months.

The thing I can't figure out is why this weight gain happened. I'm not depressed. I'm madly in love with the man of my dreams. He treats me like a princess and is actually probably a little more in love with me than I am with him (and he reminds me of this every day). I love him like crazy, but he loves me a little more. It's really a nice feeling to be appreciated and loved and to love someone back that deserves it.

Last year was a bit rocky, cancer and divorce. This year my sister passed away about three days after my last post. Which was three weeks after my niece, my sister's daughter, committed suicide.

Even though those were sad events and maybe a little stressful, it doesn't explain the weight gain or giving up on exercising. I was sure this time was it, and I'd never gain the weight back. I've thought that so many times in my life that it "almost" makes me think why even bother to try this again.

I can't just give up on myself. I have so much to live for, so many things I want to do before I die. Since I'm definitely in the last phase of my life, I don't have any time to squander on being fat. So I'm making another attempt to get healthy.

I'm not sure which "diet" or food plan I'm going to do this time around. I rejoined Weight Watchers two months ago, but I just couldn't get into the swing of it. Since my favorite leader quit I can't find a leader that I even sort of like. They all sort of annoy me. I'm still trying to figure that part out.

I am back at the gym and boy is that hard. Working out is painful when you're 220+ pounds. My body feels like it has lead weights attached to it. Every minute on the elliptical was pure torture. I only did 20 minutes today but it felt like an hour. I had done five minutes warmup on the the Stairmaster, which was even worse torture than the elliptical. Twenty minutes of weights and I was out of there. How on earth I ever did 90-minute workouts I'll never know.

So I'm back. Back to posting, back to reading the few blogs that are still out there. Back to diet and exercise. Hello world!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

My sister

My current weight:

Start weight Jan. 1, 2016 --- 226.8

Okay, I got that out of the way. Enough said about that number. I haven't even figured out how much I gained or how much I want to lose. I was 152 pounds in the fall of 2009. 152 pounds on my 5'6 frame isn't too bad. It's not skinny, but it's a healthy weight for me.

No regrets about my weight now, since it's pointless to look back at what happened and what went wrong. No self-flagellation today, I've done enough of that already during 2015. The good news, if I try to be positive, is that I only gained 6.8 pounds since April. Anyway, it is what it is, but I'm going to fix it.

Apple Watch
I received an Apple watch for Christmas, which I love! The only feature that's not working is syncing with the Weight Watcher app. Weight Watchers told me "we do not have expertise or concern for Apple products". That was during a chat with Weight Watchers' online help. From someone named Sermiento, who is probably in a foreign country and didn't have a good grasp of the English language. It was kind of funny. I just told them thanks and Happy New Year. According to Apple, they're working on a fix with Weight Watchers. Regardless, I love this watch. So far I'm very impressed. I love the Activity app, and the Health app, and it's all on my iPhone. It's a very cool new toy and helps motivate me. I need all the help I can get!

HOT Chocolate 5k - Seattle - March 6, 2016
I signed up for the HOT Chocolate 5k race in Seattle for March 6th. I was actually pressured into this by my coworkers. Several of them signed up and had the crazy idea this would be a breeze for me because I often walk during my lunch hour at work. However, this requires a minimum time of a 15-minute mile. I'm a lazy walker and do more of a 17-minute mile. I'm going to need to up my speed before March 7. Lots of gym workouts and faster lunch-hour walks in my future Now that I've paid $52.44 to do this thing with my team (including my cool new manager that's a fitness nut), I really can't get out of it, which is a good thing (I think).

Yummy spinach / vegetable / fruit smoothies
I love this little blender. It's amazing! It will pulverize anything. I've been having a smoothie for breakfast (limited to 6 Smart Points) to make sure I get in vegetables and fruits, along with some protein every morning. I don't know if I'm tricking myself into thinking this makes me feel better, but whatever it is, it seems to be working.

Magic Bullet NutriBullet Pro 900 Series Blender/Mixer System

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This is new for me, doing Weight Watchers on-line versus meetings. I was going to meetings few months ago, but I had to start taking night classes for my job. That made it almostimpossible. Even when I had the opportunity to go, I'd find reasons not to. I love their online app and I really believe in the science of their plan. I'm not thrilled about Oprah buying $42 million dollars of their stock and doubling her money in one day when it was announced she was investing in them and becoming their spokesperson. Nothing against Oprah, I'm sure she's a nice person, but this is just wrong. Regardless, I still think they have a good plan. Most of their name brand food is disgusting, but the plan is solid, and it's always worked for me when I followed it.

Commitment to blogging

I'll be posting daily on this blog. Even if it's just a few words with a quick update. This is a commitment to myself to stay focused. It'll help hold myself accountable to me. At the start of 2017 I want to be able to look back on this blog and be happy with myself.

See you tomorrow!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Decision: Go to the gym or cancel the membership?

I'm in the middle of a refinance on my house. This is a "post-divorce, must cash out half the equity for the ex-husband" refinance. So far it's going well, credit approved, closing date about to be set, now just waiting.

I have to come up with a significant amount of cash for the closing costs (which of course, is all out of my pocket and must be paid up front). I've been brutal with my budget, really cutting back on things I deem unnecessary.

When I saw the $32.00 monthly gym membership withdrawal in my checking account last week, I questioned myself, is this really a good way to spend my money? I've been averaging a once a week visit to the gym. That's about $8 for 45 minutes of exercise a week. I walk a couple times a week at work during my lunch hour. That's been it for my exercise for months now.

So I've made a deal with myself. I have to go to the gym three times this week, starting with today. If I can't get my butt to the gym at least three times in this seven-day period, then I go to the gym one week from today and cancel my membership.

The thought of canceling the membership makes me sad. It feels like I gave up on trying to exercise. I keep telling myself it's only $32.00 a month and maybe I'll start going again on a regular basis. On the other hand, it's stupid to pay for something if I'm not going to use it.

Maybe I should use the cookie versus my foot mentality on the gym. If I don't exercise then I'll most likely gain more weight and get diabetes. Which is worse, going to the gym or losing my foot? I sort of suspect losing my foot is much worse then exercising a few times a week. In fact, there's no comparison.

I promise to post back here next week on how this goes. My intention of course is to go to the gym at least three times this week. But that's been my intention for months, and I haven't done it. Maybe a public announce will do it for me. Let's hope so. I feel like something needs to click for me.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Do I want a cookie or my foot?


Every year the month of January is dedicated to the same topic on all the television shows. Our heads are filled with suggestions on how to get healthy with weight loss and exercise.

I've heard it all, but this year it seems more intense. It's more urgent this time around, or maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm feeling more urgent. I am pushing 60. Okay, technically I'm only "58", but the years are passing me by quickly. I'm still not at a healthy weight.

Even my cancer diagnosis didn't convince me of the importance of eating right and exercising. Of everything that could convince a person to get on a healthy track, you would think cancer would scare the pants off of me (or rather, the fat off of me!).

I let the fear of my cancer returning control me for a few months. I banned sugar, white flour, choose only organic. I was even paying an arm and a leg for free-range, organic fed chicken, only to be told free-range and organic doesn't always mean what I thought it meant.

A couple weeks ago I heard something on a morning news show that jolted me. It was an actress talking about her 60-pound weight loss. I don't know her name, and even tried to go back and find the story so I could give her credit, but I can't find anything on the story.

Her story was a familiar one and perhaps one we've all been through. She was about 60 pounds overweight and borderline diabetic. She is a single mother of a young child. The actress' own mother had died of diabetes when the actress was only eight years old.

This actress said something very profound that has stuck with me since I saw the interview. She said that when she wanted to go off her diet and eat something like a cookie, she would say to herself, "Do I want that cookie or my foot?". She said the answer was easy, she wanted her foot of course!

I'm not pre-diabetic, at least not yet. I had my blood work done in December and everything was normal except the crazy cholesterol numbers. I still don't know how my cholesterol could have jumped 80 points in just six months. I go back to the doctor in March to have my blood work done again.

Back to the diabetes. I could easily become diabetic because of my weight. I had three aunts that were diabetic. One even had both of her legs amputated before she passed away from complications from the diabetes.

So my new mantra to myself lately has been, "Do I want <insert bad food choice here>, or my foot?". As creepy and morbid as this sounds, it seems to be working for me. I've really cut back on the sweets.

In fact, I've cut back on a lot of things but the weight isn't budging. I know it's because of the obvious, I'm still eating too much and I'm still not exercising on a consistent basis. My only exercise is a walk during lunch at work two or three times a week and once a week gym visits. It's not enough. My body needs more exercise.

I know the importance of a plan when it comes to getting healthy, and then following the plan. At the moment, I don't have a plan.

I dropped out of Weight Watchers. Just like everything I try when it comes to losing weight, it works for a while, then I get bored with it, and it doesn't work anymore. I don't know what the next big thing is for me.

If there's anyone reading this that has found something that really works for them, please drop me a comment and let me know what is working for you. I'm just sort of at a loss right now. I need a plan! Keeping my feet is a good plan, but I need something more.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

It's a new year and a new life

So much happened to me last year that it almost seems like it happened to someone else. In spite of the really ugly parts, I'm glad I made it through it.

If you've been reading along you know the year was filled with despair and pain. Starting in late 2012 with a physical assault against me by my husband of 24 years, followed by a long year of waiting for the case to go to trial and then it being dropped at the last minute by the prosecutor. Not enough evidence.

During that year I was in the middle of a bitter divorce battle with my husband. True to his word, he had told me many times that if I ever divorced him that he would destroy me. Well, he tired but I'm proud to say that I'm officially divorced as of December 31,2013, and I'm still standing. He didn't succeed at destroying me even though he gave it his best effort. In another post that I plan on writing someday is the flaws of a community property state, but I'll save that for another day.

Throw in the cancer, a rare, deadly and aggressive cancer, Uterine Leiomyosarcoma and two cancer surgeries to remove it, and you get the picture my last year.

On the other side of all of this tragedy something wonderful happened. I fell in love with a wonderful, kind and loving man. I'm not sure if I would have made it through this year without him. He held me as I wept over my cancer diagnosis. He nursed me through both of my cancer surgeries. He commiserated with me over the unfairness of my divorce settlement and the stupid community property laws in this state (Washington). He's gone with me every Sunday to see my disabled sister, when we both put on a happy face for her to make sure she has a good time on her weekly outings with us. He is a good man, and I'm very lucky to have him in my life.

My weight has been on the upswing. I weighed in at 207 this morning. That's 33 pounds from my highest weight of 240 and 55 pounds from my low of 152 about three years ago. I'm fat. There's no question about it.

2014 is going to be my year to get healthy once and for all. I don't have a specific plan on how to do it yet. I'm still working on the details. Exercise will be key since I know that's essential not only to weight loss but to a happy spirit. It's the best antidepressant I know (and it's free with no negative side effects). More on the details later.

Today I'm recovering from the flu. Two days of 102 temperature and pretty much feel like I've been beaten up. I'm exhausted and every part of me hurts. Normal temperature this morning so I'm getting better. For now I'm just resting and taking it easy. By Monday I should be on track with a new plan.