Sunday, December 28, 2014

Regained it all...again

Let's just cut to the chase here. I've been on a year-long "eat whatever I want" path, and it's caught up with me. After months of carefully stepping around the scale and avoiding it like the plague, I stepped on it this morning. I knew it was going to be bad, and it was just as bad as I thought. No surprises. My weight is back to what it was even before I started this blog over seven years ago.


There are many words to explain how I feel about this. "Horrible" because I screwed up (again). "Sad" that I did this to myself (again). "Happy" that I feel ready to start on a healthy path. "Excited" because I remember the rewards of a healthy diet and exercise plan. "Fear" that I will fail and be fat forever. 

As usual, I have no explanation for my bad behavior. I'm relatively happy. Yesterday was my 31-year anniversary working for a really great company that I love. My career is good, my job is secure. My divorce has been final for almost one year. December 31 will mark one year since I was legally divorced, and that was a huge, uphill battle. I'm madly in love with my boyfriend of almost two years, he's truly the love of my life. My house is now "MY" house legally (that was another year-long battle with my ex). 

So what the hell happened? I don't know. That's where the fear comes in. If I can't figure out why I regained the weight again, how will I ever keep it off? 

Right now my plan is just to take it a step at a time. First step, lose the weight. While losing the weight I'll try to figure out what is so messed up in my head that I think over-eating can solve all my problems. I need to do some soul searching and identify those problems and figure out how to cope without food. 

I know some kind souls out there will probably suggest therapy. I've tried it, and I'm a pathetic candidate for therapy. I've had one or two sessions with at least four therapists in the past two years. I actually saw one therapist for three sessions. She's the one I liked the best. Unfortunately, after three sessions she told me there was nothing wrong with me. She said I had my head on straight, that I was smart, and I knew what to do. She didn't think there was any need for further therapy. I had to agree with her since she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself, or anything I should do to be a better me that I didn't already know. So it's a no on therapy.

I just signed up with Weight Watchers online. What's with the chat thing they have now? I hate chatting with people I don't know. I actually hate online chatting with people I do know. I really just wanted it for logging food and exercise, and the recipes. Maybe I'll transition into meetings again, but maybe not. I'm not sure yet. 

What triggered my "I've got to do something now!" was a clothes shopping expedition yesterday. Holy cow! When did I go from a size 16 to an 18W pant size? I knew all my pants were tight and causing me pain, but I didn't really pay much attention. It was a horrifying experience looking at myself in a 3-way mirror. 

So I'm back at it again. I bet if I searched that word "again" on this blog it would probably come up hundreds of times. At least I'm going to give it my best effort. 

If anyone actually is reading this, thank you. I almost gave up on blogging. It seems like so many people I started blogging with years ago have quit. I still read the few of you that are active, but I rarely comment. I guess because I felt like a hypocrite if I left a word of encouragement when I was doing so poorly myself. 

Happy post-Christmas and pre-New Years to everyone. I shall be back tomorrow to report how my first day went back in the healthy world.


Grace said...

Diana! I am so glad you posted an update. I've missed you!

You have been through SO MUCH in the last 2 years. Now you can focus on yourself and do whatever you need to do to get yourself healthy.

As always, I'd love to get together sometime. Take care!

Diana said...

Thanks Grace! I've been reading your blog all along and never stopped. I've been thinking about the IF you've been doing and think there just might be something to it. It sure sounds like it's working for you. Right now I'm drastically cutting my calories (well, Weight Watcher Points). And exercise. Serious exercise.

Lyn said...

Welcome back Diana!! I have thought about you often. Glad you are blogging again. I am trying to get my act together too. I hope 2015 is a great year for us both!

Debra said...

Diana, I was so glad to click on your blog and see a new post!
Just try to make small changes at first and get your mojo back. You can do it! If you like to listen to podcasts, I can highly recommend Half Size Me. Very motivational for me.
Welcome back!!

LuckyMama said...

I'm in the same boat - I've had a major blip and I'm trying to get it all together.

I've read your blog - glad to see that other areas of your life are going well!

Carrieheff said...

So glad to hear from you again. You can do it. Take it one day at a time and don't think too far into the future. Just get the weight off and then worry about maintaining. But please, once you figure it all out, let me know!

Chrissie said...

Good to see you posting again I've been reading for ages, never commented before as I'm a lurker at heart, but just wanted to wish you luck. You will get there! And I'm so glad things are so much better now. I too have regained a big chunk of weight and am a little afraid of working to lose it again, but the thing I'm clinging to is that its always possible to do it so long as you make a start (however many times it takes)

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back! I was starting to worry...

As for the regaining, I did it as well. Had a plateau and, when I noticed I was starting with the pathologic thoughts ("Oh, let's check that proANA chat, they may have reasonable recommendations!" Uhm, no.), I stayed away from the scale for a year and did whatever felt good. Add some stress, and I am back where I started, plus another ten pounds just for good measure.

However, recently I read a cientific article about how about 99% of all diets fail, making you miserable on the way and having you end up just where you started (or worse). So I am thinking about concentrating on healthy habits and not worrying too much about the scale. I know I'll have to check in to make sure I don't gain, but apart form that my plan includes lots of healthy meals (losely based on paleo guidelines - I still despise their claim that this is supposed to be the original caveman diet, how ridiculous!), less snacks (even the healthy ones) and regular exercise. I ran a 10K last October and would like to repeat that experience, and my boyfriend is trying to get me interested in the "tough mudder" races - ha, maybe next year.

It's good to see that the struggles did not drag you down too far.

Deniz said...

Hi Diane
It's SO good to see you back and sounding gung-ho to get this cracked (was worrying a bit too), and I look forward to hearing about the great progress I KNOW you'll make in 2015. It's been a very rough few years for you in all sorts of ways - may 2015 be YOUR year. The best year ever!
Just another possible suggestion... switching to a ketogenic (low carb, high fat) lifestyle has helped me maintain hard won weight loss, and keeps my hubby out of the doctor's clutches and off meds. Maybe it's something else to consider looking into for shedding what you want to.

Katrin said...

Welcome back Diana. I am going through the same weight struggles. What counts is you are trying to get back in control of your weight. We must never give up. I know I won't even if it takes a long time.

Anonymous said...

Hi Diana -

Glad you're back. Keep going.


MaryFran said...

Happy New Year!!!! Congrats for facing the weight gain and making your plans to eradicate it! As for why? I am just hardwired that way, it's an addiction and I just have to learn how to live with the addiction I believe!

Betsey C. said...

Good to see a post from you! Most of us are in the same boat. I am battling heartburn right now from over- indulging during the holidays. Ugh!

I am also a member of Weight Watchers, I do well with PointsPlus when I put in the time to work the program. My problem is volume -- I am a classic over-eater. I eat good, healthy food that I cook myself, but in huge lumberjack portions. Sigh.

I am so ready to get back on the stick and lose some weight! It is easy once you get going, and I swear I feel so much better almost immediately.

Good luck to all of us!

Anonymous said...

Hi Diana,
I used to follow your old blog but lost you. I followed you from Lyn's blog,is glad to be reading you again. Happy New Year.


Pierre Wardini said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I was about to delete your blog! I thought I would look one last time and am happy I did. I too just joined WW. I'm actually blogging on the WW site!
Can I suggest a new blog for you to read?
It's called Can You Stay For Dinner. It's so warm, kind and helpful. It's helped me get my act back on track, at least to actually DO something toward losing again.
Congratulations on all the milestones. I'm glad you posted
Theresa teagranny1

jinxxxygirl said...

HI Diana!

So good to see you again and to know you are in a happy place. As you probably know i've gained all my weight back and then a little more.. I think i know why... and its just something i have to overcome...

Without putting any gloss on it.. i just quit... plain and simple... I was out running one day in 105 degree heat after work in TX and i just stopped running.... and said to myself i can't do this anymore... I worked from 5am to 3pm in those days and i wasn't gonna run before 5am and whether i ran at 3pm or 7 or 8 pm it was still just as hot..(think August) Ofcourse other things were in the works... I felt so alone in my quest to be healthy... My husband nor any of his family cared what they ate... nor any of my friends.. I was the only one making sacrafices in the food and exercise department... Everyone would SAY how much my journey inspired them but no else ever jumped on the bandwagon or exercised with me ... Anyway i just felt very alone in my quest.. and one hot hot day i just gave up.... Ofcourse i hurt no one else but myself....

I have a theory as to why you put the weight back on and remember its just a silly theory from someone sitting in the backseat... Perhaps during the time you were going thru all the upheaval...the divorce and working to get to own your home... all that resistance... maybe with your diet and exercise you just took the path of least resistance..unconsciously even... Anyway just a thought...

I've been trying the last few months and i can actually say i lost 7 pounds from Sept to now... thats not too shabby... maybe i'm ready to make some of the tough decisions in the eating and exercise departments... I wish you well Diana and if you post...i'll be here. Hugs! deb

Karla said...

I rejoined as well.... on day #3
we can do this..... again :)