Sunday, May 10, 2015

Forgiving myself

This should have posted last Monday because I set it up on a schedule, unfortunately, I never hit the "Publish" button. Since I haven't been back for a week, I didn't even noticed it didn't post. Oh's week old news.


I've been on and off diets since I was 14 years old. I've lost varying amounts of weight each time, from the ten pounds when I was fourteen, 97 pounds when I was forty-three, or 85 pounds I lost when I was fifty-four. I remember each grueling diet, each day being a struggle, and every diet was a hard-fought battle. I also remember each subsequent re-gain of the weight and the depression, embarrassment and self-hate that went with it. 

I'd like to think my weight doesn't define me, but that's simply not true. It controls my life. When I'm fat, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and it shows. I'm not only weak physically, but my personality changes. My ex-spouse told me several times that I change when I gain weight. He said when I was thinner, I was nicer and happier. When I gained weight, it was like I became a different person, and not in a good way. As much as I despise my ex and hate to ever admit he could be right about anything, he had a point. In my defense, it makes sense that when I'm at a healthy weight, my attitude would be better than when I'm extremely overweight. 

Now that I'm older (60 in August), and I hope a little wiser, I feel differently about myself. Instead of hating myself for all my failures at maintaining a weight loss, I'm looking at all the successful weight loss attempts I've had in my life. I lost the weight, which is only part of the battle, but that alone is still a pretty amazing accomplishment.

This time around, I'm not beating myself up if I slip and don't have a perfect day. Well, at least there's not as much self-hate and self-condemnation as in the past when I've slipped. I guess I've finally accepted that I can't be perfect every second of every day. I'm human and I will fail sometimes. 

What I'm attempting to do this time around is when I fail, to not take it as the end of the world and the end of my attempt to lose weight and get healthy. I get right back in the game, and I track EVERYTHING. Even if it was a bad choice and takes me over my daily Points, I track it.  If you've ever attended a Weight Watcher meeting, you've heard this:

The secret is track, track, track. Track every lick, sip or taste. Drink all your water and when you feel up to it make sure you exercise. Take it slowly, one day at a time. 

Those are words to live by, and it's where I am right now. Tracking my food, drinking water and exercise. Although my week hasn't been perfect, it was still a good week. I'm still working on it, working on me. I'm taking it slower this time, I'm not running a race. 

Of course I'd love to be thinner and healthier right now, but that's not how I should play this game. And if I stumble and fall, which I'm sure I will, I'll get back up, brush myself off, and most importantly, I'll forgive myself. I'll move on and not dwell on the failure. I'm in it for the long-haul this time.

Weight Feb. 23, 2015:              235.0

Weight today, May 10, 2015:   216.0

Loss:  19 pounds


Anonymous said...

Geez, now that you're back, I have fallen off the earth. Glad to read from you again!

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