For me, really?!

I love Amber. She's sweet, kind, supportive and has a really quirky sense of humor that makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis. I consider her one of my best blogger friends.

So why did she do this to me? Award me the Beautiful Blogger award. I kind of don't like awards, because they make me feel like a dork. I don't feel good enough or smart enough or interesting enough to get an award. I don't feel worthy.

That's why I usually pretend I don't see them when someone gives me one. I know, that's kind of rude of me. I mean, someone thinks they're doing a nice thing, then I ignore it. So in my efforts to be a nicer person this year, I'm accepting this award from Amber. Thank you Amber. I think you're a beautiful blogger too!

Of course, there's always a condition with these awards. Something you have to do, in this case, I'm suppose to tell seven things about myself. That right there almost caused me to ignore this award. I read Amber's list and thought Dang! She's so fascinating and interesting. What am I going to say about myself that anyone would ever want to read? I pretty much spill my guts on here on a daily basis. There's really not much you don't already know about me.

So I'm doing something different. Instead of seven boring facts about me, how about what I've learned about losing weight (and of lot of it I learned this last week...believe it or not).

1. Buying a weight loss self-help book isn't going to help me lose weight. Buying a weight loss self-help book and just reading it isn't going to help me lose weight. Buying a weight loss self-help book, reading it, studying it and actually doing what they suggest will help me lose weight.

2. It's not necessary to work out two hours a day, seven days a week. In fact, it's a little insane. I can work out five days a week, one hour a day and still lose weight.

3. As a woman, I need to be careful when I lift weights. It really isn't necessary to lift two 25-pound dumbbells over my head 24 times (three sets of eight). I can and have hurt myself. On the other hand, lifting 5-pound dumbbells is a waste of time. Heavier is better, too heavy is bad.

4. The Weight Watcher Healthy Eating Guidelines will help me lose weight if I follow them. They won't help me lose weight if I just think about them and are afraid to "waste" Points on things like healthy oil and milk. I need to just "waste" the Points because it will help me lose weight.

5. I can say 'no' to myself. I can tell myself to shut up. I can tell myself to not think about certain things and redirect my thoughts. I can listen to myself and follow my own advice. (who knew?!)

6. I will not starve to death if I go to bed slightly hungry.

7. I will not gain weight if I eat a healthy low-Point snack at 11pm and then go to sleep. In fact, I will avert a binge and actually lose weight.

8. Attending Weight Watcher meetings is not optional. Tracking my food is not optional.

9. Food will give me only momentary satisfaction. Then I'll want more food and even more. It's just food. It isn't love or comfort or entertainment. It won't make me happy, except maybe for a brief moment...then it will make me sad. It won't solve any of the problems in my life.

10. I have to believe in myself, believe that I can lose weight permanently. No one can "fix" me except for me. It's my life, my body, my choice. I can't blame anyone else for the food I eat. No one is holding a gun to my head and making me eat. Ultimately, it really is all up to me.

Now for my chosen 7 (I actually could have come up with 70---I read a lot of blogs and love them all!).

1. Tony the Pink Panda
2. Dawn
3. Kelly!
4. Mary
5. Roxie
6. Helen
7. Ida
8. Sarah
9. Ron
10. Graciela

I know, there are more than seven. If I had the time, there would be even more.

Still on fire

It's 10:18pm. I'm just about ready to go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow I have my workout in the morning, work all day, and then Kundalini yoga at night .

I almost hesitate to write about not binging. It's like I'm afraid I'm going to jinx myself and totally screw up. I can't remember the last time I was "clean and sober" for four straight days. Although even if I do mess up, I know it'll be okay.

"The end of overeating" Chapter 44, Avoiding Traps: On obsession and Relapse
(page 231)

"Some people find it especially hard to stay in control when they are the highest end of their weight spectrum--at that point, the goal of a weight loss may just seem too remote to be achieved. For others, the greatest challenge comes after reaching their, when they recognize that their struggle will never be completely over and that the battle with conditioned hypereating is lifelong. Accepting those realities helps to keep you vigilant. Keeping relapse at bay is not about being strong enough to beat the temptation of eating stimulating food, but about being smart enough to deal with it."

When I was 240 pounds I just couldn't seem to get my head in the right place to actually try to lose weight. I'd think about it every day, sometimes every waking moment of every day. I remember how difficult it was to even start trying to lose weight.

When I finally did get thisclose to my goal weight, I wasn't vigilant. I wasn't being smart on how I handled the "cue-urge-reward" habit cycle. I have tools now, I'm ready for it if my brain tries to take me to places I don't want to go.

I'm right on with the tracking ALL my food (four days!), trying my best to meet the Good Health Guidelines (Lord help with this one, it's almost impossible!). In other words, I'm on fire!

Food, Inc.
We watched Food, Inc. last night. Actually, my husband watched it. I had to go into a different room halfway through the movie. I was so incredibly angry watching it that it made me intensely uncomfortable, mentally and physically.

I'm not going to review the Food, Inc. since I'm sure there are hundreds of great reviews out there already. Most people have probably already seen it.

If you haven't seen it, I strongly advise you to watch it. There's a lot of very horrifying information about the food industry and our food chain. I had already read a lot about this in Michael Pollan's book, "The Omnivore's Dilemma". Seeing the visuals that the book is based upon literally made me nauseous.

If you see this movie, you'll never look at your food the same again. Great educational movie but highly disturbing.

Update at 5:15am Tuesday, 1/12: I made it through the night without binging. It's 5:15am and just getting ready to head out to the gym. I didn't even have a snack last night and only 21 Points all day. I didn't have to fight myself over wanting to eat. It's such a weird feeling not to have that huge fear of overeating. It's like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Today is day five. :)

Just say no!

Tonight I tried some cognitive behavioral therapy on myself. I'm surprised how well it worked.

Earlier tonight I had eaten a nice dinner of a chicken breast with spicy barbecue sauce, roasted Brussels sprouts with olive oil and sea salt (my favorite), and a cup of milk (I'm really working on trying to get the Healthy Eight).

I have a planned snack for later of fresh pineapple and yogurt. My plan is to eat this snack at 11pm, my normal bewitching hour, but only if I'm hungry. I want to be prepared to stop a binge if all my resolve falls apart. I've had two good nights, I'm going for three.

After dinner I was reading some blogs and saw someone had a Kashi granola bar for a snack. It reminded me of the nut & fruit bars we bought a few months ago at Costco. They're mostly nuts and seeds, with a little dried fruit. They're delicious but very high in calories and fat (6 Points each). Earlier today I saw my husband eating one. I remembered how good they tasted. I was leaving for the gym and didn't give it another thought. Until I read about the blogger's Kashi bar.

My mind immediately started thinking about the nut & fruit bars, how good they tasted. I thought one would really be good right now. It would kind of be like a dessert since they're a little sweet, and I love nuts. I thought maybe I'll have one. Forget about trying to lose weight, I feel like having one right now.

Then I remembered reading this in "The end of overeating" (pg. 182):

"Effective intervention draws us away from the conditioning power of a stimulus before it triggers its usual response. It reminds us that it's possible to say no. Intervention begins with knowledge that we have a moment of choice--but only a moment--to recognize what is about to happen and do something else instead.

The cornerstone of treatment for conditioned hypereating is developing the capacity to refuse the cue's invitation to the brain in the first place. That refusal must come early, and it must be definitive. It's only at the very beginning, when the invitation arises that you have any control over it. At that point it's still possible to turn away from the stimulus. Once we get started, a cascade of events--stimulation, response, and more stimulation--is likely to drive behavior."

I immediately told myself NO! I'm not screwing up my entire day by eating one of those stupid nut & fruit bars. I don't have the available Points, I don't even like them that much anyway, and I'm not even hungry. I just had dinner. I told myself to stop thinking about it because I wasn't going to happen.

I refused the cue, the mental stimuli I had in my head. Instead I had a glass of ice water. Easy to do? Not totally. Impossible? Of course not.

I really believe we can retrain ourselves to react differently to food stimuli. The trick is that we have to make a conscious effort to do this. We can't waver, keep thinking about the food, should I eat it, should I not?

Just like we'd be assertive with someone that wanted to do something harmful to us, to hurt us, we need to be assertive with ourselves.

Shut down the thought process immediately. If it's not something you planned on eating and you don't have the Points for it, think about something else. The immediate and temporary gratification isn't worth it. Just say no to yourself.

Another night of freedom

I'm talking about freedom from the binge monster. I made it through another night without going crazy on food. Two nights in a row. I feel stronger than I've felt in months.

Last night I used the tip to have a preplanned snack. I knew I wasn't going to be tired enough to go to bed early and actually sleep, so I allowed for a three-Point snack at 11pm.

It was a really simple snack but very filling. One orange, 1/2 of a small apple, one container of Light Vanilla Activia yogurt and 1/2 cup Fiber One (which I haven't eaten in months).

I ate my planned snack at 11pm with a big glass of ice water, while I was reading "The end of overeating." It completely satisfied my urge to eat.

My total Points for yesterday was 24.5, and I tracked every bite. I'm allowed 22 a day, plus the 35 weeklies (and activity Points which I try not to use, but will if I feel like I really need them). I also managed to get in most of my Healthy Eight, first time in months that I even tried.

The end of overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite
by David A. Kessler, Md

I recommend this book. I didn't start with Part One, Sugar, Fat, Salt. I also skipped over Part Two, The Food Industry. I already know that sugar, fat and salt are bad for me, and that the food industry is out to get us. I've read the Omnivore's Dilemma, I know what's going on with the food industry, although I did skim this section and he had some new information that was even more disheartening.

The heart of the book for me are the following: Part Three - Conditioned Hypereating Emerges; Part Four - The Theory of Treatment; Part Five - Food Rehab and Part Six - The End of Overeating.

A lot of what this book is about is basically a lot of what we're taught in Weight Watchers. Mental rehearsing, food isn't love, cognitive behavioral changes, but Dr. Kessler goes into a lot more depth and research, and offers some new ideas on how to stop hypereating.

I was particularly interested in how part of the population has issues with Conditioned Hypereating. When eating actually becomes dangerous to us and the culture of overeating. His theory on "cue - urge - reward -habit cycle" makes sense. I'll expand on both of these in future posts.

I'll leave you with my favorite paragraph, Chapter 48: Fighting Back (page 245).

"If they could, many food companies would likely be satisfied with making conditioned hypereaters out of all of us so they could sell more product. Yet the power to resist ultimately rests with us. While a combination of human biology, personal experience, and a determined industry may explain why we overeat, we still have the ability to make choices about whether we allow this triumvirate to dominate our behavior. The fact that the industry helps create this problem, and takes advantage of it, doesn't render us helpless."

Touché.

No more excuses

This was kind of a funny/sad sign I saw at the gas station this morning. Notice the poor guy in the contest looks like he needs to lose a few pounds.

Then check out the meal combo they offer for $3.75. I calculated the calories for this little snack. If you ordered a regular Coke for your 44 oz. Thirstbuster drink and had a small packet of mayo with your hot dog, it would be 1,008 calories! The cola alone is 526 calories. Unbelievable!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your comments about my 180.2 post yesterday really touched me, and they made a huge difference in my life. Everyone had great advice on how I can stop the binge monster from attacking me every night. Thank you all so much.

Because of all your support and because some of you said you suffer from the late night eating/binging problem, I was determine to beat it last night. I thought if other people can conquer this demon, I can too. I had a binge-free night last night, the first one in months.

Even though I wanted to eat last night at around 11pm, I made a conscious effort not to binge. Instead, I read some more of "The end of overeating". I'm in the "Rehab" chapter which was perfect.

I put a lot of thought into Tony's post: "Why are you binging at night? Once you figure this out you can solve the problem."

I came up with a long list of reasons why I eat at night. Things like job stress, my imperfect marriage, feelings of loneliness, not feeling loved, boredom, lack of self worth were a few of the things on the top of my list. Unfortunately, it was a very long list.

Then it hit me, I can't fix all this stuff. I can work on some of these things, but I can't fix them overnight. Some of these things I'll never be able to fix.

The bottom line is that I'll always have issues in my life. The trick is to not use these issues as an excuse for my overeating. Therefore, no more excuses.

Weight Watchers
My meeting rocked today! I LOVE my leader, Janis. She is funny, informative, supportive, sweet, honest and a wonderful person. Every time I go to one of her meetings I leave inspired.

Here's my weighin for today, the first for 2010. This is up 4.0 pounds from my last official weighin on 11/19/2009. I'm not going to dwell on my past mistakes. What's happened has happened. It's time to move and start fresh.

The meeting today focused on tracking our food. I've been extremely lax about this for the last several months. Almost everyone in the meeting (which was packed with newcomers) agreed to track for this entire week, myself included.

The second task was to set a goal weight for February 20, 2010. That's six weeks from today. My goal is to lose 10 pounds in six weeks, or 1.7 pounds per week. I'll weigh 170.4 on February 20. I'm adding a countdown on the right sidebar with today's weight and my weighin each Saturday. I feel more determined than I have in months.

Yoga
I'm starting yoga on Tueday night. One of my girlfriends is really into yoga. In fact, she's retiring in a couple years and going to yoga instructor school. Her plan is to teach yoga during her retirement.

I tried hot yoga the summer of 2008. I hated it! I loved the yoga moves, but couldn't stand the heat. My friend promised me I'll love the class she goes to, she said there's a lot of "chanting" and to keep an open mind about it. She says it's changed her life. :)

It's called Kundalini Yoga - “The Yoga of Awareness" uses movement, breathwork, mantra and meditation to help relax and heal the body and mind.

I'll still be going to the gym in the mornings. I don't really consider yoga "exercise". It's more for the mind.

The end of overeating
I'm still reading this book and the jury is still out. It talks about setting up rules to follow to control your overeating. This is what I read last night right before I fell asleep, page 191/192:

"Rules aren't the same thing as willpower. Willpower pits the force of reinforcing stimuli against your determination to resist, a clash of titans that can become very uncomfortable."

Then it talks about the difference between using willpower to resist food and having a rule.

"If you develop a rule, that will allow you to better inhibit the behavior, because you'll have a context that provides some kind of reason for inhibiting in the first place. A rule makes explicit the negative consequences of giving in to your impulses and the positive consequence of not giving in. Without any kind of context or motivation, there's really no reason that you would inhibit the response of wanting it."

I don't know if this is really all that helpful. It kind of sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. However, it was so boring I did fall asleep and not eat. So I guess you could say the book is helping me.

Kelly - Pounds for the Prom

There's a new blogger I started following recently. Her name is Kelly and her blog is Pounds for the Prom.

Kelly started her journey December 1, 2009, and she's on the Weight Watchers plan. From the title of her blog you've probably already guessed, she's still in high school and living at home. Some of her problems with losing weight are unique to her age and living situation, yet some of them are exactly the same as the rest of us.

Stop by her blog and say hello. Just like the rest of us, Kelly needs all the encouragement she can get. :)

I'll post later today with my official Weight Watcher weighin. The first for 2010.

180.2

Argh! 180.2...really????

What can I say other than I'm a dismal failure at this weight loss stuff. Instead of losing weight this week, the first week of the new year, I gained 3.8 pounds! That's just the weigh in on my home scales, tomorrow at 7am is Weight Watchers. Since I'll actually have clothes on when I weigh in it'll be even more (unless I amputate an arm tonight and trust me, I'm tempted!).

I'm perfect every day, all day until about 11pm. Then it's like I lose my ever-lovin' mind! All sense of what's important to me disappears into thin air. I even hear myself saying that I just don't care damnit! I'm hungry! And then I proceed to stuff my fat little face with an abundance of healthy food.

A banana, broiled chicken, low-fat graham crackers and non-fat milk was my feast last night at 11pm. Not even fun food.

All the self-help books' advice, all the weight loss bloggers' advice, all my own knowledge of overeating and weight loss seems to just evaporate into thin air. I'm majorly frustrated with myself right now.

180.2. Yes, kind of hating myself right now.