Free National Parks Weekend

Did you know this weekend is free admission to all National Parks? We're heading out to Mt. Rainier this morning and a hike around Mowich Lake. It's a  little over an hour's drive to get there. I'm so excited! I love going to the mountains.

Last weekend was a bust because it rained hard all weekend, we (I) decided not to hike in the rain. I've done it but it's just not very fun even with rain gear. I'm really a fair weather hiker.

I'm hoping it's a little cooler in the park since the weather forecast for most of Western Washington is sunny and in the 90's (even Mt. Rainier at the lower altitudes is forecasting 90 degrees!). We don't see that kind of weather very often.

Happy Saturday!

Why the f--- not?

Yesterday when I was driving home I pulled up next to an older Jeep Cherokee at a stoplight. The back side and rear windows had several smiley face stickers. In small letters on the side window were the words:

"Why the f--- not?"

The f- word wasn't spelled out, it was just "f---". It's embarrassing to admit this, but I didn't know what it meant. I actually said to myself, Why the what not? Why not what? What are they talking about?

I'd had a bad day at work, and I had been feeling overwhelmed, stressed and just generally not in a happy mood. As I stared at the words, it finally clicked, and I started giggling, then laughing, and then thinking that was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. "Why the f---- not smile?" I wanted to thank the driver for making me laugh, it was one of those 'I needed that!' moments.
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Back on the wagon
I've finally returned to sanity. I'm even allowing myself to feel hunger pains again. I'm not starving myself, just eating like a person trying to lose weight on Weight Watchers. Smaller portions, weighing and measuring my food, and for the most part, tracking my food. More importantly, facing the reality that I can't eat what I want when I want it.

My exercise has been really good this week. I've taken a spin class, an aerobics class and a strength training class, plus my regular gym workouts. I didn't like the aerobics class. It wasn't as fun as I remembered. In fact, I could barely walk the next day.

This morning my weight was 173.4 (down from the 176.6 on Monday), so I'm feeling very hopeful I'll at least be back into the 160's again very soon.

Giving away all my size 14 clothes was really an incentive for me to get a reality check. Since I didn't have any bigger pants to wear, it was lose some weight or be really uncomfortable in tight clothes. You would think that was an easy decision, but surprisingly, it's taken me a couple weeks to get back to doing what I should be doing. I guess I just wanted that vacation from watching what I eat to go on indefinitely.

Women Food and God
I've finished the book. Although it's a good book, and I agree with most of it, it's not a miracle. This week I caught the first half of Oprah's interview with the author, Geneen Roth (a re-run of a re-run). When Oprah proclaimed 'this is the miracle you've been looking for!' I just shook my head. There are no miracles when it comes to losing weight. Even Geneen says in her book, 'there are no quick fixes'.

It's a great read and if you have food issues like me, you'll probably identify with most of it, but I don't think you'll think it's a miracle. I wish it was a miracle. I wish we could all easily follow Geneen's eating guidelines and miraculously get to our healthy weight. I think it'll help, and Geneen's ideas are solid and make sense, but the hard work is still on us. We have to create our own miracle. 

I'm going to read through it again. There were a couple places I skimmed over because they were boring, and I was eager to get to the good parts. Maybe I missed the "miracle" part. One can always hope. :)

Here are Geneen's Eating Guidelines, and if you were to follow them, I'm positive you'd get to your healthy weight. From page 211 (the last page) of Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.

The Eating Guidelines

1. Eat when you are hungry.
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
3. Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied.
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.   <----I've got this one down already!

It's never too late to start over

Birthday Flowers

This morning I weighed 175 pounds. I've finally decided the only way I'm going to get back to losing weight is to pretend like every day is the very first day I'm on Weight Watchers.

If you've ever done Weight Watchers, you know how exciting and "almost" fun it is at the beginning. You have a set of rules to follow, and you try to follow them exactly. You're rewarded week after week with nice, healthy losses.

Then one day, after, oh, let's say two and half years, you kind of get tired of it all. The weighing and measuring, the tracking, and all the other tedious things that are part of the Weight Watcher plan.

The compliments stop because you've been at the same weight for months, or maybe you've even gained ten or twenty pounds. No one cares or seems to notice that you're still trying to lose weight, but you're struggling. You've lost your momentum.

You've stop measuring your portions, so four ounces of chicken becomes seven or eight ounces. You stop trying to get in five vegetables a day, and take the five to seven vegetables or fruits to mean seven to nine fruits per day (maybe an obligatory vegetable or two). You certainly don't track your Points, because if you're honest, you don't really want to know.

Maybe you stay away from the bad* stuff, the candy and cookies, but you eat too much of the healthy stuff. Your size 12 jeans are now snug and your thighs are starting to take over. In fact, when you look in the mirror all you see are your thighs.

That's where I am right now. So let's just say this is my day one, not day 912 (that's approximate, but it's been about 2 1/2 years since I started).

For today, my day one, I'm tracking my food, staying within my Points, weighing and measuring everything that goes in my mouth, and trying to follow the healthy eight guidelines. Easy peasy, right? I certainly hope so because my critical voice is driving me insane. She won't shut up about my eating, and if I could just smash her into tiny pieces, I'd be happy.

Geneen (WFG) says to quiet The Voice, which I agree with to a point. However, I still think that internal voice serves a purpose. It really does have my best interest at heart, and it helps keep me in check, because Lord knows, someone needs to. However, these days I use a somewhat kinder, gentler voice with myself. I wasn't making any progress with the old voice.

One other thing I have to do this week is face my Weight Watcher leader. She's been sending me cards in the mail, "Where are you?" or "We miss you!" or (and I love this one), "It's never too late to come back!". I haven't been to a meeting since June 5, when I weighed in at 162.8. I've definitely done some damage over the summer.

What it feels like to be the fattest person in the room

Today I went to a spinning class. I've attended spinning classes before but always when I weighed less, 150 to 165. At 175 I usually feel too fat to be walking (or spinning) among the fittest people at the gym. Today I thought to hell with it, I'm going.

I hadn't been to a spinning class in months and the instructor was new to me. She came over and talked to me before class. I could tell she thought I was a novice to spinning, but I'm not. I know how to ride a spin cycle. It's just like riding a bike, anyone can do it and it doesn't take any special talent, just endurance.

Right before the class started I looked around the room, and yes, I was indeed the largest person in the room. I'd guess the average woman was maybe 125 pounds (skinny!), and the average man, maybe 150-160. There were about 20 people and every one of them looked like they had stepped right off the pages of a fitness magazine. Strong, muscular arms, flat abs and of course, great legs.

I was able to keep up without too much pain (okay, a lot of pain!). In 45 minutes I burned 340 calories, and since I had warmed up for five minutes before the class, I'm counting all 45 minutes of the spinning class for 6 APs. I had also done 20 minutes of upper body strength training before the class.

* I'm pretty sure someone is going to comment that there aren't any "bad" foods. I know that's true, sort of. Most people can have these foods in their house without going crazy. My sister is like that, she always keeps ice cream, cookies and candy in her house for her grandchildren. She very rarely eats any of it. She doesn't have a weight problem.

I'm not one of those fortunate people like my sister. I will eat it until it's gone, every cookie, every piece of candy or every bite of the ice cream. It's a sickness I have, similar to an alcoholic, but one I can deal with it. I just can't have those foods in my house. That's why I call it "bad" food.

It's official, I can get the senior discount at IHOP now...or 55 and still alive!

Today is my birthday, and I am now 55 years old. In some circles I qualify for the senior citizen discount. If you Google "is 55 a senior citizen?", this is the most popular answer (and one I personally like):

Depends on who's asking. many businesses have set 55 as the age to qualify for a senior citizens discount. This does not mean that one is actually "over the hill" so to speak but is a marketing gimmick to draw the business of baby boomers. The official age of a senior citizen of the United States is 65.

I started to write a list of my accomplishments, but it's a pretty short list and I don't really feel like tooting my own horn today (not that there's much to toot about). The only one that's important to me anyway is my weight loss. Sadly, I'm not at goal today which was what I set out to do in January.

This morning I was at 174.2 pounds (down from the 176.6 on Monday). Not great, but it could be worse (it could always be worse). I have reined in my eating somewhat, but not to the level I need to lose weight quickly. Also, because of various reasons (excuses), I only made it to the gym four times last week.

I saw a show on TLC last night, "How I Lost 100 Pounds", which is exactly how much I need to lose. It was somewhat inspirational. They told the story of five people and how they all lost a significant amount of weight (including two with surgery--learned a lot about Lap Band--definitely not for me).

The first couple lost their weight through Weight Watchers, although they never said "Weight Watchers" they did say they were using a Point system that counts calories, fat and fiber. Plus I saw a Weight Watchers food scale they were using (just like the one I own).

The husband lost over 200 pounds and the wife lost 90 pounds. They reminded me of how I was in the beginning, three years ago, maybe even two years or a year ago, still very gung-ho on the weight loss path. They were diligent about weighing and measuring their food, exercising consistently, and have made it a "life change".

I remember the excitement of losing weight, of nearing goal. Then I stagnated for some reason that I've yet to figure out. Boredom? Just plain exhaustion from the constant vigilance it requires? The hard work? Fear of reaching goal?

That last one is just plain stupid. I have no fear of reaching goal, even though it might appear that way since I keep sabotaging myself. I don't harbor any unrealistic fantasies about reaching goal and living happily ever after.

I've been near goal several times in the last year, hitting 151 a few times (goal is 135). It didn't make life all that much sweeter, I just felt better and my clothes fit better. I still had to go to work every day, I still struggled with food, I still had fight arguments with my  husband over stupid stuff, I still had to exercise. Life was still hard, just not as hard as it was at 240 pounds.

Funny, I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I guess I have no point to make. Just that it's my birthday, I'm older than dirt, and I'm still struggling with my weight. At least, for today, I get to do something I love, hiking at Mt. Rainier.

With that final note, I have to get ready, pack our rain gear (darn Pacific Northwest weather), a little food (all healthy stuff), and get the heck out of Dodge (Federal Way, WA)!

Have a great weekend!

Diana's Weight Gain Journey

I was thinking about renaming my blog today, to Diana's Weight Gain Journey. I wondered if anyone would even notice. Since all I'm doing lately is gaining weight it seems like an appropriate name.

It's all Geneen's fault, her stupid idea of eat what you want when you want it Ha! What a preposterous idea. Seriously, it's my own fault. I didn't read past chapter 10, that's where she tells you what to do to lose weight. I purposely didn't read that far because I kind of liked the idea of eating what I wanted.

I went on vacation and stayed with my sister for nine days, in a house full of treats for the grandkids, cookies, candy, and lots of ice cream. She doesn't have a sweet tooth and doesn't touch the stuff herself. Me, well, that's a different story. It triggered something in me that continued after I got home. Add in the stress of going back to work after being off for sixteen days and you have the recipe for a big, fat gain of 10 pounds.

That's right, I'm up to 176.4. Scary territory. After squeezing my big, fat butt into my slim fit size 12 jeans today,  I was miserable. Clothing should not leave it's imprint on your skin. By the end of the day I had a tummy ache, and I know it was from my tight jeans that were cutting off the circulation to my lower half. And yes, I said size 12, the 10's are just hanging in the closet, mocking me.

So what am I going to do? Lose the weight of course. My plan is simple and it involves restriction of my food intake. Smaller quantities of what I've been eating this week, and continue with the workouts but amped it up a bit. I really need to get to the gym at 5am and not at 6am so I can get in 40 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of weights. My 30/30 plan isn't really enough, especially since I haven't been walking at lunch. I'm adding that back in to my routine and have a lunch walking date already scheduled for tomorrow.

My beloved StairMaster was finally working this morning, after being out of service for two months. I was practically squealing with joy this morning when I saw the pink out-of-order sign was missing from it. It's my favorite piece of cardio equipment and it's where I get my best cardio workout. I thought that was a sign from God that I need to get serious about losing weight.

A lot of people might think I'm on the road to going back up to 240 pounds, but for the first time in my life, I don't think that's going to happen. I started this journey February 2008. I've been under 180 since July 2008 (yes, I lost 60 pounds in the first six months). I've been down to 152 since that time and up as high as 179. I'm pretty sure I can stop this freight train I'm on of gaining weight and shift gears back to what has become my normal. Healthy eating and exercise (and losing weight!).

Besides the tight jeans that made me physically ill today, here's a good visual to help me get my butt in gear 110%. I was looking at some pictures on a friend's Facebook page and stumbled on this picture taken of me at at wedding three years ago. I weighed 240 pounds. That's me in the black dress. I remember how awful I felt, big, fat, hot (that's hot not in a good way, sweaty hot), and ugly. It's not a feeling I want to re-visit. Today's jean fiasco was as close as I want to get to that time in my life.

So how's that working out for you Diana?

I was raving to my girlfriend about God Women and Food, about how wonderful it is to not be consumed by thoughts of food. I eat when I'm hungry, which is a really new concept for me. I eat what I want, and surprisingly I don't crave sweets. I eat healthy food, and I don't weigh or measure my portions.

As I'm telling my girlfriend how great this is and how free I feel, she asked the inevitable question, so how's that working out for weight loss? The honest answer to that question is that it's not working out at all for weight loss.

I've been home for four days. I'm still on vacation if you call cleaning house, doing mounds of laundry, vet visits, and a Costco run and grocery shopping a vacation.

I've been eating pretty much when and what I want, including handfuls of Thai Curry Cashews that I discovered in the bulk foods in the "nutritional" food center at Fred Meyers. My recommendation is to stay away from those things because they are addictive (and full of calories and fat).

Here's the strange thing. My weight on Monday morning after nine days of eating out, desserts and really eating what I wanted, was 173 pounds (up seven pounds). My weight this morning is still 173.

Now that would be a wonderful thing IF I was at goal. I am NOT at my goal weight.

My conclusion is probably pretty obvious to anyone reading this. Although the theory of eating when you're hungry and eating what you want sounds really good, it's not really working out for me. I want to LOSE weight, not maintain my weight and especially not at 173.

I'm not giving up on Geneen's ideas in Women Food and God because I think they're valid and most of them can work for me, I just have to be a little more restrictive in order to lose weight. I don't plan on torturing myself with a strict 100% on plan "diet" or starving myself. I do plan on going back to counting Points, starting today.

It's also back to the gym six days a week since that seems to work out best for me. I've been going every other day this week and it makes me feel lazy and like I'm cheating. When I work out really hard I want to eat better (no cashews).

I'm on Chapter ten of Women Food and God, The GPS from the Twilight Zone. This is the chapter where she talks about The Voice. I really like this chapter so far. Here's an excerpt from pages 130-131:

The Voice feels and sounds so much like you that you believe it is you. You think you are telling yourself the truth. And you are utterly convinced that without The Voice as your conscience, your wild and unruly tendencies would run amok.

Let's take an example that probably occurs with alarming frequency, possibly many times a day. You are humming along with your morning routine when you try on an old pair of pants. Uh-oh. You can't get your right leg into the designated hole.The hole that just last year was already a size bigger than the year before. The Voice says, Look at you! You are pathetic! Your thighs are the size of the Rocky Mountains. You look down at the appendages in question. Hmm, you think, my thighs really are taking over my body, the living room, the neighborhood. The Voice says, You should be ashamed of yourself! You agree. You think, I am ashamed of myself, look how I've let myself go. The Voices says, Bad bad bad. You think, Bad thighs, Bad me.

A few minutes later you notice that you feel as if you've been vaporized. In the space that you once occupied there is a ghostly dread and a vague feeling of being needy, weak and fat. Within minutes, you've ricocheted into feeling as if your life is not worth anything.

Yet.

Nothing--not one thing--has changed since earlier this morning when you felt spunky, feisty, irreverent. The objective fact is that you can't fit into your pants. The reality is that you've gained weight in the last few months. But why should gaining weight have the power to devastate every last shred of your well-being? Why can't you realize you've gained weight and make some decisions about how to proceed with some degree of wisdom and self-worth?

Sound familiar? It's like a chapter taken right out of my life that I've repeated over and over for decades. Geneen continues on with how to deal with the voice. I'm only half-way through this chapter, but so far, it's one of my favorites.

Freedom from myself

For as long as I can remember I've felt like I was trapped in a body I hated. Over the years I've constantly berated everything about myself, from my fat thighs, flabby upper arms, saggy stomach, hair that's always too blond or not blond enough or too long or too short, and the many imperfections of my face, always too fat or too thin, too long, not pretty enough. Nothing could escape my critical eye. Basically, my entire self was flawed regardless of how I tried to fix it.

Recently I've been reading Women Food and God bye Geneen Roth. I won't say it's changed my life but it has certainly given me a lot to think about. She tells the story of when she "lost her face". Basically, she had a severe allergic reaction during the second day of a six-day retreat. Her face became extremely swollen and almost unrecognizable. She thought it was the end of the world. It wasn't. People hardly even noticed. She was still the same person, even though she lost her face for a few days. It really didn't make any difference in who she was or how people saw her.

I've constantly criticized myself with The Voice (again, from the book). This is  my own highly critical devil that lives inside of me, that's always yelling at me that everything about me is bad or broken or just wrong. The Voice tells me I'm fat and ugly and how could anyone possibly love me. The voice. It's time to shut it up.

It's like I've been released from myself. I realize that sounds slightly schizophrenic, but it's exactly how I feel. I feel like it's okay to just be me, flaws and all. Even if I lost my face, I'd be okay.

Getting back into the swing of things
Exercise. It's so hard to get back into the workout routine after ten days of vacation and only three workouts (with my sister at her gym in Fairbanks which has the coolest cardio equipment). I blew off exercising yesterday. First full day back from vacation, the house needed a thorough cleaning, I was tired, and blah blah blah. I was full of excuses for skipping the gym. Surprisingly, I talked myself into not going.

Today was almost a repeat of yesterday. Suitcases still packed, laundry to the ceiling (well, almost), house still dirty, and I was still tired. Yet I told myself exercising really isn't an optional task. Just like doing laundry, even though I don't really like it, it has to be done.

It was 80 degrees in the shade when I took off on my bike at 4pm. I was heading to the gym. The ride, round-trip, is only 9 miles, but there are lots of hills. It was absolutely perfect bike riding weather. With the sun at my back and the wind in my face, it couldn't have been better.

My maximum heart rate was 156. I did seven upper body exercises at the gym, three sets each. It was ridiculously hot in the gym (it felt like a sauna). With the 50-minute bike ride and 45 minutes of weight training, I burned 637 calories. Not bad.

The food
Being conscious of what I'm eating is entirely new for me. I'm use to eating in front of the TV or eating standing up. Sitting at the dining table while I eat, without a TV or a magazine or book is difficult. I'm starting to actually taste my food. Although I still enjoy eating, it turns out I don't really love food as much as I thought. I've always said it's not my fault that I'm fat, food just tastes good.

Sure it tastes good, but it's kind of boring just sitting there eating, tasting each bite. Being conscious of my food. Sometimes I eat alone, sometimes with my husband. Either way, slowly eating food with no distractions sort of seems like a waste of time.

Conscious eating is a new mindset for me, one I'm still trying to grasp.