Geneen Roth's workshop - Day 2

Grace and me at the Women Food and God workshop


I got a lot more out of this workshop than I expected. I don't even know where to start. I learned things I didn't expect to learn, and I didn't learn things I thought I would learn. The workshop isn't just about our relationship with food, it's about a lot more. It's about our relationship with ourselves.

I have a lot I want to write, but I'm exhausted. It was extremely emotionally draining. Looking inside of myself isn't exactly a fun thing to do. There's a lot of pain involved. I promise I'll write more details about this later. I've been jotting down notes all night, but can't quite get my thoughts together on it yet.

Also, Geneen isn"t "skinny", she's just a very small, petite woman. She's very healthy looking.

I loved hanging out with Grace all day. She's just a total kick in the pants, and she made what could have been an intensely emotionally unpleasant day into a fun day. I love her sense of humor and her laugh. We did get in trouble from Geneen about talking too much. I felt bad about that and didn't realize we were disruptive. I felt like I was in grade school again. Oh well, I'd do it again. We had a lot of fun (in between the crying stuff).

The best part of the Geneen Roth workshop

It's midnight and once again, I can't sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever sleep again. Insomnia sucks.

Tonight I attended the first three hours of the Geneen Roth "Women Food and God" workshop. Tomorrow is eight more hours. Remember I read the book last July and got on the G.R. bandwagon. Quoting the book. Saying it was the best thing since sliced bread.

You may have (or may not have) noticed I stopped talking about her and the book. I sort of fell out of love with the whole idea of intuitive eating and Geneen.

I almost didn't even go to the workshop. Luckily I was able to make contact with a fellow blogger that lives in the area. I knew she was also attending the workshop. We'd never met but had exchanged a few emails over the last couple of years.

Meeting Grace was absolutely best part of the evening! Grace from Grace's Notes (and formerly from 55 Alive and Losing It). OH. MY. GOSH. I love her! It's like I've know her my entire life. She's funny as heck, super easy to talk to, and it was just like I had run into an old friend. It was super cool. Plus she's gorgeous! Beautiful blue eyes that sparkle, gorgeous strawberry blond hair. Sweet smile. And she's thin, but in a good, healthy way. Other than Geneen (who I think is too skinny),  I think Grace was the healthiest looking person in the room of 800 women.

It's so funny to see pictures of someone on their blog, read about their thoughts and struggles with weight, read about their life and then to actually get to meet them in real life. Truly one of the best experiences of my life.

About the workshop, well, so far, I'm not sure what I think. Some of the things Geneen talked about make a lot of sense. Some of the visualization stuff she had us do made me cry. I think I sort of had a revelation about my compulsive overeating. All these years I said it was just because I love food. Something she had us visualize made me go holy cow! Okay, I really said "holy crap!" but I'm try to clean up my vocabulary. I think I know why I'm like this and have serious food issues. I'm still trying to absorb the whole thing and will write more about it later, once I figure out what it means and if having this new knowledge about myself is valuable. It's something I never thought about before, until tonight. Like I said, more on this later.

I guess I'll try to sleep now. I'm exhausted but not sleepy. I have to be back at the Seatac Hilton at 8am for the workshop. Hopefully I'll find a way to fix what is broken in me when it comes to my relationship with food.

Today was a little piece of hell

I just got home. It's almost 11pm. Our beta software release (that I was in charge of the deployment) literally went to hell in a handbasket. I won't bore you with details but we had a rollback after major problems and then I spent ten hours with various developers and my manager trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. The list of what went wrong is long. A shorter list would be what went right. As one dev said, it was a major FUBAR. Don't know what that means? Google it. :)

I have my alarm set for 4:50am. I am going to the gym come hell or high water. Actually, today was sort of like hell. Major high stress. I didn't realize until 8pm I had not gone to the bathroom or drank any water or had a bite to eat...all day. Today, of all days, I skipped breakfast and skipped the gym. I just wasn't hungry and I was tired so slept in until 7am.

Little did I know I wouldn't be eating anything until 8pm. My manager brought me a turkey Subway at 2pm but I didn't have time to eat it until 8pm. The best sandwich I've ever tasted in my life!

I'm actually a little excited about my Geneen Roth workshop this weekend. I've emailed Grace so I sure hope I hear from her. I'm sure I'll learn something and meet some interesting people. I'm actually sort of looking forward to it. At least I won't be at work!

Not much else to post. I'm going to bed and hoping to sleep (if I can just calm down and turn off my brain...please...sleep would be a blessed release right now).

Graciela...Grace...where are you?

Help! Does anyone know how to contact Grace? She had two blogs, 55 and Losing It, and a newer blog, Grace Notes. She hasn't posted anything since August 24. I miss her blogging, but I really need to talk to her.

We were suppose to meet up at the Geneen Roth workshop in Seattle this weekend (the Women Food God workshop). Unfortunately after searching my emails I can't find the email with her contact information. Which is odd because I rarely delete emails, and I remember specifically when we exchanged emails (I was on vacation in July).

If you know how to contact Grace, please let me know. I'm actually more excited about meeting Grace than hearing Geneen talk.

Speaking of the workshop, I'm not as over the top about the book God Food and Women as I was back in July. I wrote several posts about how wonderful it was and how I felt like Geneen was speaking to me.

Perhaps at the workshop I'll gain some new insight I didn't get from the book. I think it'll be interesting, but after giving the intuitive eating a try for a month, I'm not so sure this old dog can learn that new trick. It seems to me that eating exactly what I want when I really want it has been my problem my entire life and what helped me gain 100 pounds. Yes, I know there was a lot more in the book than what I just put in that one sentence, but that's the jest of what I remember (perhaps I should review the book before this weekend).

I'm sure I wasn't doing the intuitive eating thing right because it seems to work for a lot of people. The people in Geneen's book, and people in blogs that I read, it just didn't work out very good for  me.

Maybe it's 40 years of guilt I've felt from eating "forbidden" food. I just can't get past the idea that it's okay to eat a cookie when I really want it, because in all honesty, I ALWAYS want a cookie. With me one cookie turns into a dozen cookies. I especially can't get past the idea it's just wrong to eat cookies when I need to lose 40 pounds to get to my ideal weight (175.6 this morning...ugh!).

I'm still excited about the workshop. Hearing a famous author speak is always interesting, especially when it's about something that seems to be my life's work...weight loss. Kind of sad that I even think that way. One's life's work should have a higher purpose.

Not much else to report. My cold was almost a non-event. I was only sick for two days. I drank NyQuil and stayed in bed. I slept about 20 hours Sunday and Monday. Tuesday I was almost back to my old self and went back to work.

I was actually going to the gym this morning after a three-day absence, but after a bout of insomnia last night I decided to sleep in for an hour. Then when I realized I can't find Grace, I'm hoping someone out there can help me find her. It would be very sad if I miss the opportunity to meet her at the workshop.

Today's our beta software release, after a week delay. It's the one we've been cranking on for the last few months. Beta for us means pushing the software to production in one city. It's nerve wracking to say the least. I always worry about what if the testers didn't catch some big, bad bug. Something that could delay flights and bring some very unwanted attention to our team. It's happened before. It's not the end of the world when that happens, although it kind of feels like it when you're in the moment. I'm hoping for the best.

I also have my mid-year performance review today with my manager. And I have my Toastmasters meeting. I'm VP of membership now which means I have a bunch of new responsibilities. Does it sound like I wish this day was already over? :)

It's not allergies

I woke up this morning feeling extremely tired. My nose was itchy and stuffy. I thought it was just allergies.

It really didn't occur to me I might have a cold. Even though my coworkers and my husband were sick this past wwek with a cold, I just assumed because I'm so strong and healthy it wouldn't take me down.

I was wrong. I'm beyond miserable right now. You know the feeling. Stuffed up nose, sore throat, agony.

Other than that, I had a good day.

1.) I restarted my scarf.

2.) Read another chapter in "Such A Pretty Face". The further I get in this book the more I love it.

3.) Grocery shopped.

4.) A great gym workout (36 minutes cardio, 40 minutes weight lifting).

5.) Stopped fighting with my husband. Last night we had a very bad disagreement. That always seems to happen when one of us gets totally wrapped up in work. We've made our apologies and things are good.

6.) Dropped off another bag of junk treasures to the Goodwill. My closet is looking good with almost bare floors and empty shelf space. I love getting rid of stuff. It's so freeing to just let go of things. They're just things, not treasures to me.

7.) Had a go-around with my pharmacist. Long story but it didn't end well for me. Someone messed up my asthma prescription and the pharmacist said I'd already picked it up today. Not true. Insurance wouldn't pay for a second prescription in same day. If I wanted it then I needed to fork over $340 dollars for a one month supply (Advair). Um, no, I don't think so. Hopefully I don't stop breathing over the weekend. My mistake for letting it run out...I guess.

8.) This is BIG - I tracked all my food today! Every single bite. 20.5 Points. I earned 7 Activity Points. I get 21 Points a day and usually eat the extra five (35 weeklies), plus lately, a bunch more. Today, I'm just not hungry.

9.) I discovered the Honeycrisp apples I've been eating, the gargantuan are actually 4 Points. Ouch.

And with that last thought, I'm going to bed.

The non-weight loss goals

I'm trying not to put all my attention on my weight loss efforts because, well, because it makes me nuts. Totally and absolutely nuts. Not to mention it's as boring as watching paint dry.

For three years it's been my focus. Oh heck, it's been my focus for the past forty plus years. Off and on for all those years I worried about my weight. I'm still concerned about it, but I can't give it 100% of my attention 100% of the time.

The two non-weight loss goals for the week were knitting and reading. It turns out I love both! I knew I loved reading, but the knitting is a bit of a surprise to me.

The knitting is so much more rewarding than I remember. It's fun to actually create something useful with my own two hands. Sadly though, I was half-way done with the scarf when I realized there was a problem. Way back on about row four (I was on row fifty) it appeared I had dropped a stitch and there was a hole in my scarf! I counted the stitches and sure as anything I only had eleven on the needle, I was suppose to have twelve. I don't know how I didn't notice it before but I noticed it this morning. I had to rip the entire thing out and start over. Oh well.

The book I'm reading is one that I can't put down, and it's not about diet or exercise or intuitive eating. It's completely fictional, a novel. What a "novel" idea for me. The last few books I read that weren't health related were non-fiction murder stories by Ann Rule. I decided it was time to branch out on my reading and read something a.) non-fiction and b.) non-violent.

The book is "Such A Pretty Face" by Cathy Lamb. It's a story about a 32-year old woman that has lost 170 pounds through bariatric surgery. It's not about the weight loss or the surgery, it's about her life afterwards, and her crazy family, as well as about her life that led up to her gaining 170 pounds. It's entertaining, funny as heck, and I'm loving it. In fact, I could barely put it down today. I finally had to force myself to set down the book, put on my workout clothes and now I'm just about ready to walk out the door for the gym.

Thank you
I want to thank each and every one you that leave comments on my blog. I've been really bad lately about visiting other blogs and leaving comments, which I fully intend to rectify this weekend. I just want you to know that I read every comment, and I'm amazed at the kindness and consideration of strangers. But you aren't strangers to me at all. You're real people, and I greatly appreciate your comments. Your encouragement and your kind words mean the world to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The longer I do this the harder it is to do

I know it just doesn't make any sense, does it? Given all my knowledge about weight loss and Weight Watchers and South Beach and Jenny Craig and NutriSystems and every other diet I've ever tried, this should be a walk in the park by now.

So tell me, why does it seem harder now than ever before in my life? I simply don't get it.

In the last three years I went from 240 pounds down to 152 pounds, then up to 174, then down to 156 then again up to 174. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and I can pull my self out of it. 

Honestly, I'm just sick and tired of myself and my weight. Every day all throughout my day I think about my weight. They say guys think about sex every 30 seconds, I think about food at least that often or more.

It's like I've broken whatever it was in me that was doing so well. It's like I almost don't even care anymore. My size 12's are snug. Not unbearably tight, yet. They could be with another 10 pounds. They're not loose and falling off of me like they were at 152 or even at 166.

I can't say I'm totally miserable. I still exercise on a consistent basis, cardio and weight lifting, but I eat too much. Therefore, I'm not happy with my body. I feel fat. I am fat.

I don't expect anyone to have the answer for me. I know I have to find it inside myself. Somehow. I just haven't figured it out yet. After a lifetime of doing this I still don't have the answers. It seems like the longer this goes on, the harder it is for me to keep doing it.

I'm not giving up and throwing in the towel. I'm just saying I feel kind of defeated at the moment. Like there's something terribly wrong with me that I can't beat this thing.