Let there be light

Yesterday's post was pretty depressing. I almost deleted it when I read it this morning. I guess we all have days where we're a little off (I was way off!). The day actually got a lot better, the sun came out and that always cheers me up.

I bought my ankle weights yesterday. The store only had three and four-pound ankle weights. I thought that wasn't going to be heavy enough. I was hoping to buy heavier weights, more like eight or ten pounds for each ankle. I purchased the pair of four-pound weights and headed off to the gym.

When I got to the gym and pulled the weights out of the box I thought, wow, this four-pound weight is actually really heavy. Four pounds sounds like nothing to me. Well, it turns out that four pounds on each ankle is really HEAVY!

I strapped on the weights and as I walked to the StairMaster I could really feel the heaviness of the eight pounds. It was like walking through mud. I climbed on the StairMaster and had the workout of my life. I did thirty minutes on the StairMaster where I thought I was going to die. Then I did my 45 minutes upper body workout.

Again, there were only guys in the heavy weight area. Where are the women? I lift 15, 20, and 25-pound dumbbells, and the Olympic sized barbell without weights (it's 45 pounds by itself - I know because I weighed it on the scale). It's not like these are super heavy weights, but usually I'm the only woman in this area, with a bunch of bulked out guys. I guess I'm use to it but why aren't more women lifting free weights? They all seem to stick to the weight machines. Anyway, just a rant of mine.

After the weights I decided to get back on the StairMaster with my ankle weights on. Normally I can never get my heart rate up past 144 for any length of time. Keep in mind, 1.) I'm 55 and 2.) my resting heart rate is 50. Yesterday my heart rate got up to 151 the second time on the StairMaster, and I kept it there for 15 minutes! I hit some sort of weird, sweet spot where it didn't hurt and I wasn't panting like a dog. The sweat was pouring off of me but I was breathing almost normally. I even thought maybe the machines heart rate monitor was broken but my own Polar said the same thing. 151. Really weird.

After my workout I was ravenous. My HRM said I'd burned 606 calories and I'd only eaten breakfast and a banana (it was 5pm). I overate on chicken, veggies and fruit. My weight this morning was 180.2. Not what I wanted to see.

Today's another day and today I'm back to tracking my food. I haven't tracked for the last few days. Who wants to write down cookies and candy in their food journal? It's embarrassing.

My new plan is just that, if I "cheat" and eat more than I should or eat something I really have no business eating, I'll post it in my online food journal and then on here for the whole world to see. I'm deleting the food diary blog. I'll add the food journal pages to the bottom of my post for that day. I don't like having two blogs that need updating every day. Too much work.

Okay, so it's a new day, a new me. Let there be light!

Hawaii is off, I can't lose weight and life kind of sucks

This isn't a happy post because I'm not feeling very happy.

The Hawaii trip isn't going to happen. It's a long, sad story. Basically my sister that lost her husband of 52 years in November of 2009, doesn't want to go back to Hawaii without him. Their last big vacation together was in Hawaii. I totally understand. I'm just a little sad that we can't all go and have fun together. Maybe next year.

About my weight. I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I constantly post about how I'm going to do this and all my great plans, then I fall flat on my face. I went down a couple pounds during the week, but today I'm back up to 180. My face fell into a bag of cookies and a lot of candy. I won't bore you with the details but six days of hard work can and was totally destroyed by one evening of total madness.

I'm trying hard to not totally hate myself right now. It's not easy. Even though I know it doesn't make me a bad person because I have an eating disorder, I can't help but feel there's something terribly wrong with me. Why on earth do I keep doing this to myself? As hard as I try, I can't figure out the answer to that question. I'm still working on trying to find the answer, but at this point, it's still an unknown.

I have The Big Climb looming in front of me on March 20. 1,311 steps. 69 floors. What the hell was I thinking to get a team of people together to do this? I certainly can't back out. I have to do it. I have a team of ten right now, and about ten others that said they're going to sign up. I'm the team captain. I'm a little freaked out about the whole thing. Lugging my fat ass up 69 floors. If you don't hear from me after March 20 you can rest assured I dropped dead of a heart attack.

In a few minutes I'm heading up to the store to buy ankle weights and then to the gym to do the StairMaster. I read somewhere that ankles weights and the StairMaster are good training for the Big Climb.

The dreary Seattle weather isn't helping either. I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. This morning the weather guy on TV made a big deal about what a great weekend we're going to have. What he meant was we're going to have dark, gray skies, no sign of the sun, but no rain. No rain is considered a nice weekend. Hey - the sun just popped out for a second as I wrote this. Weird. The skies are almost black but somehow the sun peeked out. Hmmm...maybe there's hope after all.

Sorry for my bad attitude today. I know people don't come hear to read doom and gloom. It's just how I'm feeling. I can't seem to get past it today, and I don't even feel like trying.

I'm so excited about....Hawaii!

I just got off the phone with my niece that lives in North Pole, Alaska (near Fairbanks, AK). It's currently -32 degrees (that's below zero). We're planning a girls' trip to Hawaii in March, my two nieces, my sister and myself. We kind of talked about it when I was there in December, but we decided to make it happen. It's going to be super fun.

The only trick is I have to be back by March 20 for the Big Climb, and we plan on leaving for Hawaii March 11.

I haven't gone on a "girls only" trip since college!

I skipped the gym this morning, on purpose. I've only had two days off in the last 16 days. I had a 7:30 a.m. breakfast date with my two best girlfriends at IHOP (ugh!). I had the Slim and Fit Mushroom and Tomato Omelet with fresh fruit for 5 Points (330 calories). It was actually pretty good, and I had them use egg substitute so maybe even a little less on the calories.

I love that they put the calories on the menus now. I think that's just about the coolest thing ever. Of course, it was only calories (and my girlfriends' breakfasts were 1,200 calories each!). I still had to go to the website to get all the nutritional info for the Points calculation. The calories alone really helped me make a good choice.

Even though no gym today, I managed to walked our 60 steps of stairs at work during lunch, twelve times, or 720 steps. Part of my training plan for the Big Climb is to do this twice a day (in addition to my gym workout). The Big Climb is 1,311 steps, with no stops. I'm a little worried about what I got myself into with this thing. I just hope I don't totally embarrass myself and need a medic to resuscitate me when I'm halfway to the top!

About Hawaii, I've been to the islands many times in my life, maybe eight or nine. I can't really remember for sure, but it's been a lot. Remember, I'm from Alaska and that's where people from Alaska go for a vacation. Also, I've worked for an airline for 27 years. I even went to college over there for a year. I totally and completely love Hawaii. And I love my sister and nieces so this trip is going to be a blast!

Now not only do I have to get in shape for the Big Climb, but also for the beach!

Internetless tonight

I've been without internet connection for the past five hours (except my phone, but that doesn't really count). It was almost as bad as when the electricity goes out.

I even tried to watch a Netflix movie through the box thing we have when it displayed "your internet isn't connected" message. Oh yeah, no internet, I forgot. So no Netflix. It makes me wonder how I ever lived without the internet.

My husband finally fixed it about 20 minutes ago, but it's 10:30p .m. It's past time my bedtime so I'm not writing much. I've been working on a post of why I gained 100 pounds. I'm too tired now to proof it before I post it. Tomorrow.

My story and my trigger

I read a really great post this morning written by Lynn at Lynn's Weigh (love her, she's another one of my heroes). She tells the story about the one thing that triggered her start towards being a weight loss success story. She realized she was worthy of good health.

Even though I'm not yet a weight loss success story, I will be one day. Here's the story of my one thing...

Flash to February 2006
After years of crash diets, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, South Beach (the list goes on and on) I weighed 240 pounds. This was the heaviest I had ever weighed. In college I got up to 145 pounds and I remember how I thought I was such a fat pig. When I met my husband 25 years ago I was 132 (I'm 5' 6"). I was trying to starve myself to what I thought was my ideal weight of 125.

How did I get to 240 pounds at the age of 51? More importantly, why? I had difficulty walking. I wouldn't even attempt to climb the two flights of stairs to my office, I'd take the elevator. I was uncomfortable and miserable. The clothes that did fit looked terrible on me. My self-loathing was at an all-time high.

I remember when I ripped the seat out of two pairs of size 18 jeans trying to squeeze my very ample behind into too small clothing. Both times the ripped jeans incident happened while I was at work. Those were two of the most embarrassing moments of my life. The fabric simply couldn't stretch to fit my size 20 (probably more like size 22) bottom. I bought my first pair of size 20 slacks, and I was horrified. I was more depressed than at any other point in my life. Yet I still wouldn't or couldn't get motivated to do anything about my weight. It was like I was frozen in some sort of self-made hell.

Then I starting having strange pains in my joints. They came on suddenly one night as I was sitting in my recliner watching TV (we no longer own recliners). The agony started as shooting, knife cutting pains in my left knee. It was excruciating. I could barely stand up. I had no idea what was wrong. The pains lasted for a few hours and then went away. It happened again the next night and the next. Then the pain just disappeared.

A few days later the same type of pain started in my left elbow, again, at night while sitting in my recliner. It scared me. I thought I must have some horrible, life-threatening disease. The pain would move around to different joints every few days. Left knee, right knee, shoulders, elbows. Yet I refused to go to the doctor, because, well, you probably guessed, I was embarrassed about my weight gain of 60 pounds since the previous year. I know that sounds crazy, but it's the truth.

One day around this time of the strange pains I was walking by the pharmacy in a drugstore. I stopped to take my blood pressure at one of those free machines. I'd always prided myself on my great blood pressure and low cholesterol levels, even during my fat phases in my life my blood pressure was always around 120/60. The reading on the machine:  180/110. Seriously? Could that even be possible and still stand upright? I thought the machine must be broken. I went to two different drugstores and used their blood pressure machines, all the readings were very close to 180/110.

I was scared to death. This time I knew I really could die. I was 51. I called my doctor and she told me to get a free BP check at the fire station where they would use a regular blood pressure cuff (I never knew why she did this, I have medical insurance). She said maybe the machines were inaccurate. That was another really embarrassing moment when me, the fat, middle-aged woman asked the gorgeous, hunky firefighter to take my blood pressure. When he had to get the extra large sized cuff because of my fat upper arm, I wanted to die. The results were once again 180/110. He looked at the number and told me I needed to see my doctor immediately.

This time I knew my life was in danger, and I saw my doctor. She immediately put me on blood pressure medicine. I'm off of the medication now, and I check on my own blood pressure all the time at home. Lately it's been a little on the high side, 128/73. I know it's the last 25 pounds I gained back.

My doctor also talked to me about my weight. She held one of my hands in her hands, she looked me in the eye and said "Diana, you're a beautiful woman. Why are you doing this to yourself? You have to lose the weight or you are going to die." The "you are going to die" part really shook me up. I could see her concern, and knew she was saying this to help me. I knew I had to do something about my weight.

I immediately started a diet. South Beach, a diet I'd done the year before and lost 40 pounds before giving up and gaining it all back, plus some. It was the first "diet" that I actually felt like I could probably live with the rest of my life.  However, after several months of South Beach, but still counting calories, I had only lost 20 pounds. I was stuck and finding myself slipping back to old habits.

That's when a friend at work asked me to join the Weight Watcher "at work program". Reluctantly I joined with her since I was stalled on my own, but I secretly knew it wouldn't work for me. The first week I did everything perfectly, eating all my Points, my activity Points and my Weekly Points. I was sure this was too much food, and I'd gain even more weight. I lost seven pounds the first week following the plan exactly. I proceeded to lose a total of 60 pounds in seven months and then, I'm not sure why, I just quit. I gained it all back very quickly.
February 2008, this time it is for real
There I was again, February of 2008, sitting at 240 pounds. I needed to lose 100 pounds. Why did I do this to myself over and over? I never once tried to answer this question and really thought I just didn't have any willpower. When in reality, I have willpower of steel.

Once again I joined Weight Watchers because it felt like the right thing to do. I knew it worked. This time I did something different, I started using my gym membership, going almost every day. I'd had that membership since 1996 but had probably only been to the gym ten times in 12 years. Now I go almost every day for an hour or more, I really believe the exercise and Weight Watchers is what has changed my life.

You're probably thinking, but Diana, it's been almost three years and you're still not at goal. You are correct. I've been struggling for months, in fact, pretty much for all of 2010. I'll call that my lost year. I started the year at 180 pounds and ended it at 180 pounds. I dropped down during the year to 162 but never got back to my 2009 low of 152. True, 2010 wasn't my greatest year, yet I take great pride in the little fact that I didn't go back up to 240 pounds. My goal was and still is 135 pounds.

I still believe Weigh Watchers is the best plan for me. I know it doesn't work for everyone, and we each have to find the thing that works for us. Whether it's counting calories or even a surgical procedure, there's something out there that will work. In truth, they all work.

What I'm finding out is that the real work is looking inside of ourselves and really finding out the "why" of our overeating. Why did we get overweight in the first place? That's the real question.

To say "well, I just love food and I can't help it" is not the answer. I said that same thing for years. Nothing wrong with me, I just lov efood. The truth, most people love food yet they don't have the issues of overeating like the morbidly obese. Without self-examination we can still lose weight, but it's very questionable whether we can keep it off forever. You know how I know? Because I've been there, done that....more times than I can count. Now I'm working from the inside out, versus just focusing on the outside.

Like Lynn asked, what was your one thing that triggered you into starting a weigh loss plan, and this time you know it's for good? Have you figured out what caused you to become overweight in the first place? I'll share with you in a later post what I think caused me to gain 100 pounds, lose it several times, and never keep it off in the past.

Pictures
A before picture, 240 pounds. This was right before the stange pains started. I didn't think I was a person worthy of good health. I just thought I was fat, ugly and stupid (I had just started a new job). When I saw this picture I was horrified but it still didn't make me try to lose weight. It took a death threat to make me take action.

Now I'm working on learning to like myself, and acknowledging that I am worthy of being healthy.  It's not just about gaining the weight, it's about so much more.

240, from the backside:

I don't have an after picture because I'm not at goal. Today I weigh 179, so I found this picture where I weighed 175 from 2008. My hair is different now, a little shorter, but I'm too lazy to put on makeup and take a picture today. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, inside and out, but I'm working on it. It's a multi-faceted project. :)

2011 is going to be my year!

Thank you & finding peace

Thank you!
Tonight I finally sat down and read all your sweet comments from my SOS post last Tuesday. Most of you can relate to my issues, and several of you feel like you're in the same boat. There were a lot of great ideas on how to beat my late night eating, things I'll be trying in the near future. You guys are very kind. Instead of just writing me off as a lunatic (which lately, I wouldn't blame you), you came to my rescue. I love you guys. You're the best.

********

Figuring things out

This past week I've been trying to figure things out, trying to understand what is wrong with me, or even if perhaps there really isn't anything that terribly wrong. Other than the fact I've been running around in a totally chaotic, frenzied state regarding my weight, I think I just may be okay after all. As sweet Kelly! said, I'm not really "broken".

I've been totally obsessed with trying to find the perfect plan for me to lose weight. Count calories, count Points, count calories AND Points. Do Weight Watchers, don't do Weight Watchers, try a blogger's challenge. Exercise like a maniac, cut back on the exercise, more cardio, less cardio, heavier weights less reps, lighter weights more reps.

Frankly, I'm tired of the insanity. Enough already.

The people I admire the most are the ones that have made peace with food and with themselves. Dawn, Grace, Roxie, Helen, Carla (Miz Fit), Lyn, Lynn, Loretta, Sheryl (Ms. Bitch Cakes), Sean, Allan, Tony and many others just like them are my real heroes.

These people have come to terms with who they are as a person, they've accepted themselves and find value in their very existence. This has dramatically changed their relationship with food. I want to follow in their footsteps.

I haven't totally figured this all out for myself yet, but I have figured out that what I was doing wasn't working. Hating myself, putting myself down constantly, calling myself terrible names, not even liking myself a little bit, all of that has to stop.  I know my low self-esteem is a big reason why I try to comfort myself with food. My overeating is just a symptom of bigger issues.

I've been reading Bob Greene's "The Life You Want. Get Motivated, Lose Weight and Be Happy". He lists the main obstacles that cause people to struggle with losing weight and maintaining the loss. I'm only about a third into the book but so far I really like it. It's not as "new agey" as the last book I read on this topic (Geneen Roth and I can't even remember the name of that book).

This is what it says about body image (The Life You Want, Chapter 1, page 29):

It's crucial to not only accept your body but also make taking care of it a priority, no matter what else is happening in your life. "You might worry, 'If I accept my body, then I will become complacent and just gain more weight, " says Ann Kearny-Cooke. "However, I have found that the opposite is true:  Beating yourself up about your appearance and putting yourself down is the last thing that motivates healthy lifestyle change." In fact, once you are able to improve your body image, you will choose to actively take care of your body (by, say, increasing your physical activity, and giving up fried foods and overeating at night).

You can see why I'm hooked on this book.

In the meantime, what am I doing to lose weight?
Well, I've decided to just calm the hell down. No more jumping from one idea to another, trying to find the quick fix to a broken Diana. I'm slightly askew, certainly not perfect, but not broken either.

I went to Weight Watchers on Saturday and for the first time ever I decided not to weigh in. I just didn't feel like facing the scale. Instead I checked in with the receptionist and stayed for the meeting. It was about Power Foods (a concept I really like...to read more about it, check out Sheryl's post on power foods, much better than anything I could write).

After the meeting I talked with Janis, my Weight Watcher leader. I was honest with her and told her I was struggling and felt hungry all the time. She suggested I eat mostly power foods to keep the hunger at bay. She also asked me if I was eating any of my 49 weekly Points. I told that actually, I hadn't really been following the plan, I had tried to cut way back and as a result had become ravenously hungry which usually led to a binge on an almost nightly basis.

She suggested I track everything I eat this week, every day, every bite and to really focus on the power foods. I'm going to print it out to take with me to next Saturday's meeting. She told me to weigh in with her because she wants to see how I do. If I don't lose then she wants to talk to me after the meeting. She said "we'll figure this out together".  I love her.

Janis is a Diamond Weight Watcher leader meaning she's in the top 20% of the leaders to have the most members make it to goal and has the most Lifetimers. I feel relieved that I finally talked to her and told her about my struggles. I also feel like I have to be extremely accountable this week because I made a promise to her. I've already printed off yesterday and today's food tracker (I have a pre-bedtime snack planned tonight...a Weight Watcher smoothie with milk and a frozen banana). I've also added these two days to my food diary blog. No more calorie counting. That was making me even more crazy.

On thing you'll notice if you look at my food diary is that I'm not eating all my Points. I don't know how to explain this because I've always been one to eat all my daily Points, all my Weekly Points AND all my Activity Points. I can honestly say since I've started focusing on power foods, I'm not hungry all the time.

I also feel like I'm eating a massive volume of food. This has me a little concerned, and I can't possibly see how this can work for losing weight. I promised Janis I would give this my best effort, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not limiting my fruit intake, but I'm not eating large amounts of it. In fact, I'm eating a lot less than I use to eat on the old plan.

Exercise has been really good for the last week. My husband even went with me today. It's become such a part of my life these last three years that I can't ever imagine stopping. I still have my mornings when I'd rather just stay in bed, but I don't give in very often. It's a necessary task that I have to complete every day, just like brushing my teeth.

Again, I just want to thank you all so very much for your support. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure where I'd be without it, and I credit all of you for helping me stay afloat on this thing, even when I just want to give up. I thank God for you every day. I really do.

SOS: I just don't care

Yesterday I was talking to a friend at work. She's someone I've known for over twenty years, in different jobs at the same company. I really like this person. She's funny,  kind, and sweet. She also struggles with her weight, just like me.

About four years ago we did Weight Watchers together at work. It was my first time with WW and the weight fell off. I lost sixty pounds in seven months. The plan works if you work the plan (I know, a very trite but true saying). My friend also lost a lot of weight. When we both stopped Weight Watchers we both quickly gained the weight back.

I went back to Weight Watchers almost three years ago, lost 80 pounds and then gained back 25. I still go to Weight Watchers but I'm sitting  at 180.2 today (I want to be 135). She never went back and has gained a few more pounds.

As we were heating up our lunches in the lunchroom yesterday the topic of weight came up. It always does. She said she can be perfect all day every day until she gets home. Then she doesn't care anymore. She's a single mom, with a young teenager, her job is very stressful. Much more stressful than my own. As we talked she told me when she gets home she's totally exhausted, and at that point, she really just doesn't give a damn about her weight. If she wants white toast with butter on it she's going to have it. If she wants a glass of wine or cookies, well, she's going to have that too. She said at that point she just doesn't care.

I totally feel the same way lately. When 10 p.m. rolls around, honestly, I just don't care. I'm tired, I've eaten healthy all day. I've even tracked my food all day, but at around 10 p.m., my husband is asleep and I'm struggling with sleep. I'm always feeling hungry. A small snack just doesn't cut it. I want volume. That's when I go off my plan and eat.

I eat things like fruit (three bananas or a few pears), another chicken breast, maybe some almonds or pecans (those damn nuts are still on the counter--my husband's food--I have to do something about this). If there are any sugar-free ice cream bars (the only kind I buy now), I'll eat a couple of those (there was a box in the freezer that I found last night). If there's leftover dinner, I'll eat that too.

I had some Pop Chips last night that I was going to try later. I ate a few of those, which by the way are totally gross. All these years I've been reading about them on blogs and people raving about how good they taste. Nasty food. They're made out of potato flakes and chemicals. I'll never buy them again and no chance I'd ever binge on them.

I ate all of this last night and for kicks I added up the calories afterwards. It was over 700 calories. I may as well have eaten cake and I would have if there was any in the house (there never is stuff like that anymore, but if there was I would have eaten it).

My point is that I just can't seem to change this pattern and it's making me crazy. Anyone watching me eat all day and evening, watching me carefully measure and weigh everything, put it all in the online tracker, would wonder what the hell was wrong with me when 10 p.m. rolls around. It's like there are two people living in one body. One that's really concerned about her health and weight and the other one that just doesn't give a damn.

I've been doing this pattern since I came back from vacation and I just can't seem to break it. It's depressing and sad and I'm hating myself because of it. If I could padlock the kitchen and have my husband hold the key, I would do it. He has no idea what's going on with me (he sleeps like a rock). He only knows the woman that goes to the gym every day and works out like crazy, and who eats very carefully because she's on a diet. He's puzzled as to why I'm not losing weight. I know why.

Any ideas on how to fix me?