Falling down and forgiveness

My bike ride was awesome! It was the best bike ride I've had in a long time. Perfect weather, 71 degrees going to the gym and 75 degrees coming home, with a light, cool breeze. Sunshine and not a cloud in the sky. I LOVE the Pacific Northwest when the sun shines!

It took 45 minutes to get to the gym. Normally it's 22 minutes going fast, really pushing myself going up the hills. Today I decided not to race to get there. I thought of it more as a therapy bike ride. Enjoy the scenery, get my heart rate up but don't kill myself doing it. I found the hills a lot more challenging at my heavier weight (193 this morning).

The gym was almost empty, which was really nice. I did weights for an entire hour and there were only a couple guys in the free weights area. I had planned on a lower body workout but I remembered the last time I biked to the gym and then did a lower body workout. I almost didn't make it home. So it was upper body, a full hour-long workout.

Somehow, and I'm really not sure how it happened, I fell off my bike while standing still in the parking lot of the gym. I know that sounds crazy, and it happened so fast that I'm not even sure how it happened, but it did. I was just about to start riding out of the parking lot, when I fell over and crashed into some beauty bark on my right knee. I tangled myself up in my bike, then rolled onto the pavement, scraping a lot of skin off of my knee.

It was kind of embarrassing, but not too many people saw me.  After brushing myself off, I quickly got out of there. I made it home in 22 minutes. My knee still hurts and burns. Probably beauty bark poisoning or something.

While I was riding home I thought about something I saw in a notebook that I found in my little backpack I use when I bike. I always take a notebook to the gym with me to keep a record of my workouts. The last workout date in this one was April 23, 2011. I have one in my car that I used every day, but decided to use this one since it was already in the backpack. I accidentally dropped it, and it flipped open to the last page. I saw the following, written in my handwriting:

 
I have no idea why I wrote those words. It sounds like something to do with gaining weight. Specifically gaining a lot of weight after losing a lot of weight. Maybe I saw it on TV or read it in a book or a magazine. I may have even read it on someones blog. 

Since I don't really know where I heard it, I can't give the correct person credit, but it makes a lot of sense regarding my weight gain. My gain of 40 pounds in a year and a half, after an 85-pound weight loss, has caused me to feel each one of these emotions very deeply. It's been a painful journey re-gaining this weight.

1. Ashamed. There are few things in life more embarrassing than losing a lot of weight and then gaining it back. When I lost weight, people were constantly telling me how great I looked. When I started gaining it back, people had no idea what to say, so out of politeness, they said nothing. I  know they notice it, how could they not see it. It's so blatantly obvious as I get bigger and my clothes get tighter.

2. Angry. I was really angry about my weight gain for a long time. Angry mostly at myself, but also at the unfairness of it all. Unfairness that I have these issues with food, and that I can't eat anything I want to eat. Unfairness that I love food so much, too much, and even the mere fact that I love food makes me angry. I've gone through the "why me?" many times, but ultimately, it's pointless to be so angry about something that just "is".

3. Afraid. I remember this one really well, in fact, I still have a little bit of fear about my weight. The fear of gaining all of it back, the fear of never being able to lose the weight I've re-gained, and the fear that I'll be even fatter than before, that I'll make it up to 300+ pounds.

I've relaxed quite a bit about being afraid of my weight. I'm not heartbroken about the weight gain anymore, nor do I fear gaining a ton more weight. I'm feeling confident that I'll lose it again. I still think a little fear about gaining weight is a good thing. Too much fear is damaging to my soul. A little fear keeps me on my toes.

4. Forgiveness. It's been a long haul but somehow I have made it to this one. I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes. Simply put, I screwed up a good thing. It's okay. I'm allowed to screw up as long as I don't dwell on my past mistakes, forgive myself and move forward.

Forgiveness of one's own transgressions is a lot harder than forgiving someone else. We're harder on ourselves than we are on other people. Kind of crazy that we're built that way, but it just seems like that's how most of us function. If someone else messes up, we're kind and caring, we understand how things can happen. We forgive them. But let us screw up our own life by gaining weight and holy crap, you'd think we'd committed a murder. The simple fact is that I ate too much food, and I gained weight. That's all there is to it. I didn't hurt anyone in the process except myself.

Forgiveness. It's good for the soul. Falling off my bike or falling off my diet, it's all kind of the same thing. I just have to get back up, brush myself off, and keep on going. Of course it's embarrassing, but there's really no other option.

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Pictures from my bike ride today...

A new sign that was put up at the trail head in the last few months. Funny thing, but I saw a coyote cross the road, right in front of my car on the way to the gym a few weeks ago. Kind of scary. At first I thought it was a big, skinny weird looking dog, but then I realized, that's a coyote!

 

 I'm sure you're all thinking, not another Mt. Rainier picture! Sorry, I just can't get enough of this mountain. I love it. When it's clear out it looks like I could just reach out and touch it. In reality it's about 60 miles away. 

The part of the trail I prefer to ride my bike, but I decided after seeing the coyote sign maybe I'd better stay on the paved trail instead of wandering off into the woods by myself.

Just part of the trail. And yes, there's a horrible power line that runs along the side of the trail. I'm sure I'm getting an extra dose of cancer-causing electricity jolted through my body when I ride next to it.

 Just a picture of me, not exactly flattering. I was trying to get Mt. Rainier in the picture, it's behind me somewhere, but somehow I totally missed getting it in the picture.

Part of the trail that's fun going down, not so fun going up on the other side. I can't believe how much harder the hills are now that I'm so much heavier. I thought I was going to have to walk my bike up some of the hills, but I forced myself to do it. It wasn't easy and my heart rate was up to 155 at one point, but I did it!

Dinner tonight was wonderful. Kalbi chicken breasts that I bought ready to cook from the neighborhood butcher, and fresh broccoli and sweet corn on the cob from the neighborhood produce store. I stopped in on my way home and tied the bags to my bike handle bars for the last two blocks home. It made for a perfect ending to a perfect day.

Note: you may notice I took down my old "after" picture where I weighed 152. It use to be on the right side. I didn't like to look at it because every time I saw it, it made me a little bit sad. I'll post new pictures when I lose some weight.

Where is the time going?

It's really true what they say, the older you get the faster time flies. As I'm approaching 56 in a couple of weeks I feel like time is speeding up. What seems like a few days is actually a few weeks. It's like I'm living a movie where everything is being fast-forwarded.

That's part of the reason my posts have been so few and far between. Every day I think of several topics I want to write about, but I never seem to find the time to actually sit down and write.

It's the same with my dieting. Almost every day ends on the same note...well, I screwed up again today, but there's always tomorrow. I've been saying that for weeks, or actually, I guess it's been months, perhaps even years now.

How have I been doing?
I've been doing better in all areas of my life. Not perfect, just better.

Work is still work, and I've decided to learn something new at work. All my protesting that I didn't want to learn anything new is what led me down the path of my job ending in a few years.

I work in IT. It's a changing world. If I want to stay in IT I have to change with it. I don't know why it took me so long to accept this fact, but I have and now it's time to get going on learning the new technologies that I was unreasonably dead set on not learning. I decided that was a career ending move on my part, and now is not the time to end a career. I'm almost 56 and we're in an economical crisis here in the United States with record unemployment rates. It's really not the time to consider a career change. I've accepted this and it's made things much better in my workplace.

The unending quest to lose weight continues. Sometimes I amaze myself at my refusal to give up on losing weight, especially considering I've felt like a miserable failure in the weight loss arena for many months now.

Since Monday I managed to lose six pounds, from 199 to 193. Some of that weight loss is from the Triamterene blood pressure meds, a very low-dose diuretic. My BP is now 121/62, a huge improvement from 148/98 that it was on Monday. I hate taking a medication, but I hate the possibility of a stroke or doing damage to my heart even more than I hate taking a tiny pill each day.

I cut back quite a bit on my food intake last week so I know it wasn't all water weight that I lost. My binge food all week was cherries. The Asian market, HMart, sells the most incredible tasting local sweet dark red cherries as well as Rainier cherries at a crazy low price ($1.49 & $1.99 a pound). I think I've finally eaten my fill of them for a while. I'm actually glad they're seasonal because I was wondering if I'd ever get tired of them.

My exercise is still not up to the level it should be. I keep finding reasons to skip the gym in the mornings. In the last week I only went four times (since last Saturday). That might sound good to a lot of people, but it's not that good for me. Five or six times would be better, and what I've been doing the past three years. My latest excuse is I'm tired and sleep is more important than exercise. They're both important. I really shouldn't be making a choice of which is more important, but when the alarm goes off at 5 a.m. I often go with the sleep is more important.

Speaking of sleep, I think the Melatonin is actually working for me. I've been waking up less in the middle of the night and my sleep feels deeper and more restful. When I get up I don't feel groggy or exhausted. There's a lot of conflicting information out there on the internet regarding Melatonin, some say it works, others say it doesn't.

The most interesting thing I read is that melatonin is naturally secreted by the pineal gland in the brain. As we age, our brain secretes less of the hormone, which is possibly why older people have trouble sleeping. Of course, they're still doing research to prove this fact. At least I didn't read about any negative effects. The worst case is that it doesn't do anything. Maybe it's all in my head, but I really think it's helping.

Well, as I said when I started this post, time is slipping by me. I have a lot of things to get done today, top of the list is physical activity. My plan is to bike ride to the gym, then a lower body weight workout, then ride home. The temperature is suppose to get up to 80 degrees today. So far this year, we've had 78 minutes of temperatures at 80 or above here in the Seattle area (I think the highest was 81 one day for a couple of minutes). It's the running joke around her, 78 minutes of summer so far this year.

Almost forgot to mention my Body Media. It was sent out on the delivery truck yesterday morning by UPS at 9 a.m. for delivery by the end of the day. It never arrived. I checked the UPS tracking site at about 9pm and they changed the delivery to Monday. Slightly annoying since I live about three miles from the UPS station that was the delivery truck origin. I was really hoping to play with it this weekend, but looks like I have to wait until next week.

Now for a quick breakfast and get out on my bike, hopefully for noon before our Northwest "heat wave" hits. I'm sure folks in the 105 temps find it pretty funny that we think 80 is is HOT.

On the agenda for tomorrow is a hike up near Mt. Rainier. My husband said he wants to go, and since it's our first nice weather weekend in weeks, we're going!

I think I'd rather be tired

I took my first doctor-prescribed sleeping pill last night. I slept horribly, worse than usual. I woke up with a severe headache at 4 a.m. It felt like my head was in a vise and someone was tightening the vise every few minutes. It was insanely painful. I felt extremely nauseous too. My husband brought me aspirin and a glass of water, but it didn't even begin to  phase the pain.

When the headache finally eased up enough that I could get out of bed (around noon), I looked up the possible side effects of the "sleep aid" my doctor had prescribed.

The drug is Trazodone HCL. It turns out it's not really a sleep aid, it's really an anti-depressant. Since it's a hypnotic, it's off-label use is to cause drowsiness for insomniacs. If it's used as a sleep aid, the it's only one dose a day. If used as an anti-depressant, the dosage is three times a day. Since I'm not depressed, the doctor prescribed on tablet at bedtime.

Check out these possible side effects:

All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Trazodone:

Blurred vision; constipation; decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache; lightheadedness when sitting up or standing; muscle aches or pains; nausea; nervousness; stomach pain; stuffy nose; tiredness.

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Trazodone:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); black, tarry, or bloody stools; bloody or dark urine; chest pain; decreased coordination; fainting; fever, chills, or sore throat; hallucinations; irregular heartbeat; new or worsening agitation, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, trouble sleeping, or inability to sit still; prolonged, inappropriate, or painful erections; seizures; severe or persistent dizziness or tiredness; shortness of breath; speech problems; suicidal thoughts or actions; swelling of the hands, ankles, or feet; symptoms of low blood sodium levels (eg, confusion, persistent headache, trouble concentrating, memory problems, weakness, unsteadiness, sluggishness, personality changes); tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weight changes; vomit that looks like coffee grounds; yellowing of the eyes or skin.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? It's not worth it. I'm back to the Melatonin and Sleepytime herbal tea (I'm sipping a cup right now). My doctor has also suggested a sleep study, which I'm seriously considering. My niece has sleep apnea, and has a CPAP machine. She says it makes a huge difference in how much rested she feels. I don't like the idea of being hooked up to a machine when I sleep, but I also don't like feeling exhausted all the time.

Exercise and Diet
Good news! I feel totally back in control of my eating. Thank God! I've had my eating in control for two whole days. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but it's the first two consecutive days in weeks that I kept my eating in check. I'm journaling all my food, and keeping my calorie count under 1500.

This afternoon I went to the gym. I almost didn't go, because even though my headache was gone, it felt like it was on the verge of coming back. My eyes felt tender and almost sore from the pain earlier in the day. I thought maybe I'd feel better if I worked out. Amazingly, it worked! I did a full hour of cardio, 35 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the cross-ramp. Then 40 minutes of upper body weights. I burned 628 calories according to my heart rate monitor, in an hour and 40 minutes. Happy dance!

The Body Media
I ordered my Body Media with the wrist display tonight. It should ship tomorrow and be here by Friday. It's a lot like the Body Bugg, except it also measures your sleep. It comes with a "free" 12-month subscription (I think the BodyBugg does too).

I'm not sure how it measures sleep, but my friend at work said it really does work. She thought it sensed when you were laying down. I'm not sure it'll be accurate on my sleep (or lack of sleep).

The best things I've ever purchased for myself were my Polar heart rate monitor and iPod. Those two items have made made a world of difference in my exercise. I'm actually on my third heart rate monitor and third iPod in four years. I think the Body Media will be another tool to help me get to my goal.

I guess the SleepyTime and Melatonin are kicking in. I'm finally feeling tired. It's almost 10:30pm. Hopefully this will be a more restful night.

My annual physical wasn't fun

Okay, so I'm not dying, at least not yet. I had my annual physical today and my doctor isn't happy with me. She asked me what happened, how did I gain so much weight since March 2010 (my last physical).

I was 173 pounds in March 2010, and I was 199.4 on the doctor's scales today. She wanted to know why I'd gained so much weight. I didn't have an answer. I honestly don't know what happened. I told her I guess I was eating too much.

My doctor is a tiny Asian woman, probably a size 0, really nice and very smart. She's the one that looked at my neck last year and spotted my enlarged thyroid (which resulted in an ultrasound and biopsy of my thyroid).

Even though she's sweet, she doesn't mince words when it comes to my health. She told me this was a lot of weight to gain in one year and it was having a very serious impact on my body. My blood pressure was up to 148/88, and she put me back blood pressure medication.

In one month I have to go back to see her again so she can see how my blood pressure is doing. She also wants me to wait one month to get all the blood work done for all the other stuff (glucose check, cholesterol and triglycerides, vitamin D and a reactive C protein test for my heart) and she wants to review everything with me.

This is a lot more important than my concerns about how I look at this weight or the fact that none of my clothes fit. This is dead serious business. My health is at stake and frankly, I'm a little scared. What if I'm diabetic? Or what if I have a stroke or drop dead of a heart attack, or worse yet, live through a heart attack with a damaged heart? What am I doing to myself?

This has really made me take stock of my issues with food and my weight. I guess I thought gaining weight wasn't that big of a deal. So my clothes don't fit or I "feel" fat and ugly. That stuff really doesn't matter that much. My health, that's a different story. Once it's gone, it's hard, if not impossible to get it back.

So I'm making some changes. The most immediate is to get decent sleep. I've been failing in this area for years, short-changing myself on sleep almost every night.

Of course, there's the eating. I need some sort of plan. I always seem to need a gimmick to get jump started. My new plan is to use the Body Media. Someone at work has been wearing one and she swears by it. I haven't ordered it yet, but plan to by this weekend.

Last, but not least is my exercise. I've been slacking in the exercise area, going to the gym only three or four times a week, and then not really giving it 110%. I've really just been going through the motions. That has to change.

I have a lot more that I want to write about, but I have to be off the computer in two minutes (8:45pm). New rule. Darkened room, and then lights out by 9pm.

How did I let this happen!? 197.0

The post below "Happy to be home" was suppose to have been published last night but I guess I forgot to hit the publish button.

Yesterday when I weighed in first thing in the morning I was 196.2. This morning I was 197! What the heck is happening?! I thought I ate carefully yesterday, but I didn't write down anything. I guess I ate more than I thought. I slept horribly last night, tossing and turning, waking up several times.

Seriously, I really can't believe I let this happen to myself. I'm almost up to 200 pounds. I feel awful, mentally and physically.

I went to the gym this morning, 30 minutes elliptical (thought I was going to die!), and 40 minutes weights. Looking at myself in the gym mirrors was pretty horrifying. I kept asking myself over and over, why did you do this to yourself? My face looks distorted, and my body looks like I'm wearing a fat suit.

There's really not much to say about the situation I got myself into with my weight. I'm going to have to work really hard to get it off again. It's sort of like my worst nightmare is coming true. Now I'm awake and I'm living the nightmare of obesity, again.

My plan today is to document every bite I eat. A very boring task, but it's the only thing that works for me. 

I'm off to work now, as soon as I find something to wear. Finding something that fits is going to be challenging. The size 16's in my closet are probably going to be really tight. Letting this happen to myself was probably the most unkind thing I could do. If I didn't know better, I would think that maybe I hate myself. Why else would I chose to make myself so miserable?

Happy to be home! Not happy to be 196.2.

Vacation? Not really.
I'm back from vacation in Alaska. Actually, I'm not sure I'd call it a vacation. It was more visiting family, something I wouldn't recommend doing for twelve days without a break.

I love my sister and we get along great. We can talk for hours about everything and about nothing. It's the rest of the family that was kind of driving me a bit nuts after a while. My three nieces and their husbands and children, and their children's children.

My 21-year old great niece has a three-year old. I love and adore both of them, especially the three-year old. The three-year old, Layla, decided to make me her best friend. I know this because she told me, "Aunt Diana, I've decided I want you to be my best friend." Layla speaks in complete sentences with an amazing vocabulary, and I could understand every word she said (she turned three two months ago). Even though she was a lot of fun, and I was amazed at her intelligence (you can't imagine how many times I said "is she really only three?!), she wore me out!


One day Layla told her grandmother (my niece) the following: "Grandma, you are fat, fat, fat!". Of course everyone attacked Layla and told her that was very rude. She said she was sorry. I didn't hear about this incident until later in the day when my niece told me about it and how much it hurt her feelings. Layla was sitting on my lap. Layla said to me, "But I said I was sorry!" I told her that when you say something mean to someone, even though you tell them you're sorry, it still hurts the person. Calling someone fat isn't nice, and it hurts the person. You don't want to hurt people, do you? She said no. Then I looked at her and said I know you're only three, but I know you understand me. She looked me in the eye, and said, "Yes, Aunt Diana, I understand you. I'm sorry, and I won't do it again". She really is only three, but not too young to learn that words hurt.

It was constant motion and constant conversation for twelve days. As a result, I'm exhausted. It was fun, but it was also stressful at times. Family dynamics can be complicated. I love them all, but I'm very happy to be home, 1500 miles away from them. 

About the weight...196.2
You read the number right, it's not a typo - I weighed 196.2 this morning. Because of all the kids around at my sister's house, there was a lot of kid-friendly food. Cookies, candy, ice cream. All the things I love. A cookie for Layla, a cookie for me. Ice cream for Layla, ice cream for me. A few pieces of candy for Layla, a few for me. She was my eating buddy. She was also a ball of energy, constantly in motion, and tiny. I was a couch potato except for the three days I managed to go to the gym.

This recent weight gain is depressing and it hurts. My body is achy and I feel like a big, fat cow. Please don't leave a comment that it's okay and that I'm not fat and shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am huge, and I need to be hard on myself.

Today is day one of being back on track. I know the drill. Exercise and reduced food intake and of course, no sweets. It's hard to get back on track. Once I start gaining weight, I can't seem to stop eating. It's a vicious cycle. On the other hand, I know it's not impossible. I've done it before, I can do it again.

One day at a time, right?

For some reason, I didn't take very many pictures this trip. I just wasn't in the  mood. I can't publish this and not post a picture of Layla. She's the little one in the picture below. You can see why I fell in love with her. The others are her mom, the gorgeous 21-year old Joanna, and one of my great nephews, Robert (he's nine and every picture I have of him has his eye's closed) and another great niece (from New Jersey), Cassie, she's 10. And if you're wondering, Layla is named after the Eric Clapton song, Layla.

 A post about Alaska isn't complete without a picture of a moose. This was taken from the living room window at my sister's house. One of my niece's husbands and I spent an afternoon after this picture was taken cutting brush and branches out of trees so you could see the river better (and the moose). Hard work! I think I saw at least ten moose while I was there. I sort of lost count, but there were a lot of them.

Hello from Alaska!

I'm at my sister's house in Alaska and loving it! She lives 30 miles outside of Fairbanks, near Moose Creek. Very aptly named because there are moose everywhere here! I've seen four moose in two days. Sorry, I'd post pictures but I can't figure out how to do it on this stupid Apple computer.

I love the summers here, except for the mosquitoes, which just about ate us alive yesterday. This is a very bad year for mosquitoes. They were so bad last night that I almost freaked out about it...and I'm from here!

It was like we were being swarmed by mosquitoes, it was something out of a horror movie. Hundreds of them landing on any spot of bare skin they could find for a feeding frenzy. It was really awful. Then immediately afterward there was a huge rainstorm, so I'm wondering if that had something to do with it. I've never seen mosquitoes swarm like that and considering I grew up on a homestead up here, that's pretty amazing.

Anyway, I love visiting with family. Today everyone is coming over, including all my nieces and their husbands, my brother and his wife, the grandkids and great-grandkids.

Tomorrow my niece from New Jersey and her family will be arriving (on a 1:37am flight--yuk). I'm really excited about seeing them. We haven't seen them in over 20 years. We've been talking non-stop on the phone for two weeks, after reconnecting. They're super nice and really fun people.

My brother has a big camping trip planned for some of us (my sister refuses to go--she's more of a RV kind of camper). We'll be going to a place called Ken's Pond, by Donnelly Dome (about 100 miles south of Fairbanks). Here's a video he took of it last year. It's remote with only one public use cabin that he's reserved for us, right on a lake. We have to use the 4-wheelers to get back to it. Hopefully, I'll have my own pictures of it when I get back.

Diet is going okay, but it could be better (I had three cookies last night). Exercise is non-existent since we sit around and visit all day, but I plan on walking down to the Tanana River today, about two miles down the road, if I can talk someone in to it. I might even go by myself.

Anyway, I'm happy to be here. It's so relaxing, and I don't miss work at all. I finally feel myself letting go of the stresses of my job and that's a really good feeling.

Happy 4th of July weekend!