Getting back on track is harder than I remember

My weight this morning was 192.6. It's continues to be a struggle to eat healthy, but I haven't purchased any junk food for over a week. I'm good if the food isn't in the house, and the way to keep it out of the house is don't buy it in the first place. I might overeat fruit or have a bigger piece of chicken than I know I should have (if I'm not weighing it you can bet I'm eating too much), but that's not as horrible as trying to eat an entire cake in one sitting.

Somehow, and I'm not sure how it started, I'd be at the store buying healthy food and decide I needed a "little" treat. I deserved it. Life was hard, I wanted, no...I NEEDED a treat. The treat went from one candy bar to an entire cake, then to a shopping cart full of junk food. Wow. How did that happen? I honestly don't know, I let my guard down a few times and boom! I'm back to old eating habits of four years ago.

I feel more in control. I'm eating better and I feel a lot better. Eating crap made me feel like crap. I'm back at the gym, although not every day. I was really consistent for a good 3 1/2 years, going almost every single day to the gym. Then my sister's stroke happen, I became her guardian and my life changed. Now I'm only averaging three times a week. It's not enough. I need to do more. I don't want to do more, but I'm working on it.

Today was an intense day. It started off with a three-hour meeting at work, which turned into four hours (9am-1pm). It was a meeting where I had to really paying attention and participate the entire time. Exhausting and mentally draining.

Then I left work to take my sister to the dentist. This was her first dentist appointment since before her stroke (a two-hour appointment). She has gorgeous teeth, and has always taken really good care of them. I curled her hair, put a little makeup on her and she looked gorgeous.

I almost got myself a $450 parking ticket at the dentist's office. Actually, I did get the ticket, but the "parking official" canceled it after hearing my sob story.

I did the terrible thing of parking in the handicapped spot at the dentist's office to get my sister out of the car and into her wheelchair (I don't have a permit yet). I have never, in my entire life parked in a handicap spot for even half a second. Once my husband pulled into a handicap space at the store to drop me off (many years ago). I was horrified and made him move before I'd get out of the car.

Anyway, it's a small dental office with about ten parking spaces in front and one handicapped parking spot. It was the only spot available when I pulled into the parking lot. I got my sister out of the car, into her wheelchair, then into the dentist's office, and into the dental chair. This isn't exactly an easy feat. The receptionist told me to leave my car parked where it was, even though I told her I didn't have a handicap permit. She said it was fine and they let people park there all the time if they can't walk far.

I went back out to my car to get a book, and the "parking official" as he called himself, had just issued me a ticket for $450 on his little handheld device. As I walked up to my car, I said "you're not giving me a ticket, are you?".  He said yes because I didn't have a handicapped permit. I told him my sister was in a wheelchair and I'd just taken her inside for her appointment. He told me it didn't matter if my sister couldn't walk, but without a handicapped permit, I was breaking the law. I couldn't park there for one second. Then he tried to hand me the ticket. I cried even more (and these were real tears because it just broke me). I tried to explain to him that he had no idea what my sister and I had gone through in the last six months. I was shaking because I was so upset.. He said it didn't matter and he was just doing his job. I cried some more. Finally, I said okay, but I'll go to court on this and take my sister with me in her wheelchair to show the judge she can't walk. Finally, with the ticket still in his hand, he said okay, okay, I won't give you a ticket. But get the permit and don't do this again. I promised him I wouldn't ever do this again. Whew!

The changes in my sister since I moved here down here to Washington are nothing short of amazing. In spite of going through hell these last six months since her stroke, and being 73 years old, I think she's absolutely beautiful. Since I talk about her all the time, I thought I should post a picture of her here. This is from today, right before we left for the dentist (I can do the wheelchair transfers with her all by myself!).

My sister, Joyce

I am okay.

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for one's psyche. The weekend was difficult, with very little sleep because I was worried...about everything! I hate it when I get like that, focusing on every bad thing in my life (and that's a lot right now!).

I slept a solid eight hours last night and although nothing changed during the night, I feel like my old self this morning. Yes, I still have a lot on my shoulders, but I think I can handle it.

The affairs of my sister will calm down eventually. She had a very complicated life when she had her stroke and it's taking a long time to sort through this stuff and get it all straightened out. It's been six months, and I see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I think by the end of this summer I should have most things wrapped up.

Enough about sister, how about me? First of all, I love you guys. I figured I'd post and not hear a word from anyone. I was gone a whole month! Instead, I got a lot of sweet, kind and loving comments. Thank you so much. I will return the favor, as soon as I can sit down and spend a few minutes doing personal stuff on my computer (instead of sister Joyce stuff :).

My eating is back on track (thank God!). I'm down from that 197 weight to 192. Eating healthy, smaller portions, but still not tracking. That's my goal for today, track my food.

Dressed for the gym right now and heading out the door as soon as I push publish on this post.

Thanks again for all your support. I've been a bad blogger, not reading blogs and not posting comments. I've missed you all terribly. I need the blog world. I need you.

Am I okay?

Am I okay? That's a hard to question to answer. I guess you'd have to define "okay".

Life is hard. Lately, my life has been harder than it should be, or at least, harder than I'm use to experiencing.

Since my last post:

I thought my sweet 8-year old kitty, Tommy, a gorgeous black and white short hair, was battling a bad case of pneumonia for the last three months. After five vets and many office visits and tests, two weeks ago he was diagnosed with Stage V Lymphoma. The fifth vet I took him to finally figure why all the antibiotics weren't working for the pneumonia. He told me Tommy only had a few days left. Within twelve hours Tommy had a seizure at 3am as I was petting him. I had to take him to the emergency vet in the middle of night and say my final goodbyes to him. It was horrible.

Last week I was granted permanent guardianship for my sister by the state of Alaska. Sounds like a good thing, right? My sister consumes me. Trying to take care of her financial situation she left behind in Alaska, which is extraordinary, is like having a part-time job. Making sure my sister's physical needs are met, checking on her during the week, talking to her caregivers (occupational therapist, physical therapist, the owner of her home, etc. etc. etc.) is time consuming. Because of the guardianship, I have to document every move I make regarding my sister, every decision I make for her, account for every penny I spend of her money on her many expenses. I have to keep detailed records which I update every day. Some weeks there are as many as 50 tasks I handle on her behalf The Excel spreadsheets I've been keeping are ridiculous. This is required by the state, and it takes a lot of time.

I love my sister, I want her to be happy and well-taken care of, but even though she's in a beautiful adult family home with wonderful care-givers, there are still a lot of tasks to attend to for her. I have no choice in this matter. I couldn't live with myself if I let her become a ward of the state, which was the only other option.

The Vulnerable Adult Order of Protection was awarded by the court last week, against my niece. I knew I had to do this, but you can't imagine how awful it makes me feel, to keep my niece away from her mother. It's necessary, but heart-breaking at the same time.

Work is more stressful than normal. I have a deadline that is set by a government mandate, which means there can't be a delay on this project. It's a very complicated project, and frankly, I'm not sure I can complete my part of it in time to meet the deadline. That scares me.

My eating had been horrible for two weeks. I got up to 197.2. I was terrified and angry with myself. I finally got back on track about two weeks ago and actually was able to cut out sweets completely, started eating fresh fruit and vegetables again. I was feeling great.

Then I came down with a horrible cold a week ago. I stayed home two days, sneezing and coughing. It was just a cold, but I was miserable. I didn't exercise at all last week until Thursday, and again Friday. Then the weekend came and again, my sister came first, I came last. I just didn't have time for the gym.

I spent several hours with my sister on Saturday, dealing with a problem she was having with the new splints she has to wear on her paralyzed arm and leg. It was quite the ordeal, with her crying and screaming. She was extremely upset. I finally figured out the problem, but it took hours. Remember, she talks all the time, but no one can understand her. When she has a problem, she lets me know it, but figuring it out is something else. It requires a lot of time and a lot of patience.

Then again today, we spent several hours together as I took her on a little car trip, just me and her. It was her first car trip since the stroke, almost six months ago. We had frozen yogurt at Gibson's in Tacoma, and then went down to the waterfront for a while, just watching the people. Next, we drove by her new dentist's office (where' we'll be going on Thursday). It was a really good day for both of us. I like doing this stuff with her, but it just takes a lot of time out of my life.

So, what's the verdict. Am I okay? Not really. I'm tired. Worn out. Not exactly feeling "okay". At least not by my definition of okay.

It will get better, I guess. Someday, I'll be okay again.

191

Really, do I need to even say anything with a post title like that...191, as in 191 pounds, as in I gained five pounds over the weekend. Should I tell you how angry and disappointed I am in myself? It probably goes without saying, I am not happy with myself.

I've been trying to figure out what is going on with me, why on earth am I so hell bent on killing myself with food?

I have figured out that there's a direct link with how much I eat and how much I visit my sister. Last week I made three visits with to see my sister, two hours each visit. Even though the visits go really well, I find I get terribly depressed after seeing her. When I'm depressed and sad, I eat junk. I know this is a problem, but I seem uncontrollable.

Since the residents of the adult family home where my sister resides are always working on a jigsaw puzzle, but my sister can't seem to figure them out, I bought a puzzle that was for age 3+. She still struggled with it. I worked with her, giving her hints on which pieces might fit, but she had a very hard time.

I bought the wooden block stacking game Jenga. I read online it was good for stroke patients. She was better with this than the puzzle, and we played several times over the weekend (I visited Saturday and Sunday). She remembered how to play it on Sunday, and I think she enjoyed it.

I brought her new tennis shoes that fit. I had to buy two pair, one size 11W for her paralyzed side, and one size 10W for her non-paralyzed side. She use to wear size 9N. We had a good laugh when I tried to force her paralyzed foot into the size 11W. The shoe was huge and her foot really isn't that big, it's swollen and her toes are curling under, so she needed a bigger shoe. No matter how hard I tried to jam her foot into the shoe, it wouldn't fit. Finally, with her talking and talking to me and me not understanding a work, she grabbed the shoe from my hand and showed the open part to me so I could see I missed a big wad of tissue stuck down in the toe. We both had a good laugh over that one.

I took her for a walk outside yesterday in her wheelchair, with her rolling herself along and using her good hand. It was 58 degrees and sunny. She cried for the first five minutes. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. I finally determined she was happy. It was her first time she had been outside since her stroke on September 21, 2011 (other than being transferred into or out of an ambulance).  She was smiling the entire time, looking at everything and talking non-stop (none of it made sense).

I asked her if she remembered her daughter, Camille? I told her Camille wanted to come visit her soon. She waved her hand back and forth and shook her head no. I asked if she knew who I was talking about when I said "Camille". She looked at me and just shrugged her shoulder and put her hand out, like no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

We had some good visits last week, so why does it depress the hell out of me to see her? It makes me sad, I want to cry when I leave her. I feel awful this has happened to her, and I feel awful what has happened to me. I wake up at night, worried about her, worried about her finances. Just worried about everything.

So I eat to make myself feel better. It's not working.

I'm still alive, still fat and still struggling

I never understand how I can let almost two weeks go by and not post a single word. I think about posting, but never seem to have the time, or if I have the time, I can't think of anything to say. Usually it means I'm in a midst of a binge, which was very true this time around. I know posting regularly and reading other weight loss blogs has been a huge help to me in the past four years (I've been blogging for four years this month).

Life is definitely a struggle these days. Talking to attorneys, rehashing the last four months over and over with them, reviewing the legal documents to be filed in court, and dreading and hating the whole legal fiasco. As much as I detest this phrase, it's the truth in my case, "it is what it is". In other words, I'm screwed and the situation is beyond my control. I have to do what is best for my sister and what is best for me. End of story on that one.

My diet and exercise have been bad. Really, really bad. I only made it to the gym three times last week, claiming I was just to exhausted to get out of bed. I walked at lunch a couple days, but my regular walking co-worker is in Geneva this week, so I had to walk with my backup walker, who walks really s-l-o-w. She's about 100 pound overweight and I think has recently gained even more weight. I can barely walk as slowly as she walks. We stopped at Safeway so she could buy some lunch. She bought a big container of barbecued spare ribs and a giant white flour bagel. We've often talked about weight loss and exercise, but I'd never say anything to her about what she eats. I really enjoy her company, but I worry about her. I bought some fresh asparagus to add to my soup for lunch. Even though I was binging at night, I tried to at least eat a healthy breakfast and lunch.

To add to my lack of exercise last week, I fell into a binge cycle. Oddly, I read about a binge on a beloved blogger's post, and it seemed to trigger something in me. I haven't bought binge food for months, things like cookies, cheesecake and chips. I just did not care. After three days of stupid, binge eating, I think I may have come to my senses today. I feel like I got it out of my system and now it's time to move on to better eating and better health.

Today is busy so I need to finish this up and head out. I've cleaned house a little, just to make it bearable. Next up is the gym first, then shopping for a few items for my sister. I also want to pick up a child's puzzle for her, one with big pieces. Also some games I read that are good for stroke patients. Then I'll head over to her home and visit for an hour or two. Then home to make some homemade soup for dinner.

The weather is fantastic here in the Pacific Northwest today. We have S-U-N-S-H-I-N-E!!!! It's suppose to get up to a high of 58. I love it here when the weather is nice. It's been a tough, dark, wet, cold winter. I'm more than ready for some nice weather. Hopefully, I'll get some pictures today. I plan on bundling my sister up and taking her outside in her wheelchair. It'll be the first time she's been outside since her stroke, other than being transferred to or from an ambulance. I think she's really going to enjoy it.

Oh, almost forgot to mention my weight. I don't know. I weighed Wednesday and was 187.6. Still terrible, but considering that was right in the middle of a binge I'm pretty sure it's up from Wednesday. I'll find out tomorrow. Weight Watchers again!

The worst weighin ever

Okay, maybe it's not my worst weighin ever. When I weighed 240 pounds I practically cried every time I stepped on the scales (and I weighed 240 pounds for over a year).

Maybe it's because I'm out of tears that have been shed over other things, or maybe it's because I know this is temporary, and I can and will lose the weight, but I'm not terribly upset with myself. It's more like, oh well, shit happens. I gained ten pounds in twelve days.

So here it is, available for public viewing, my weighin this morning, at home, buck naked, before breakfast or coffee:

188.0

I knew it was going to be bad. In fact, I shut my eyes before I looked down at the scale and tried to guess my weight. You're not going to believe this but I guessed exactly correct. I guessed 188.0 and that's exactly the number I saw on the scale. Weird.

The last time I stepped on the scales was January 12, that's only twelve days ago when I weighed 178.2. Normally I weigh every day, yet I stopped for 12 days. During that twelve days I was dealing with my sister's sudden move to Seattle and my totally insane niece, fallout from other family members because I basically kidnapped my sister and moved her, and of course, the snowstorm, ice storm and the power outage. All great excuses for eating like a fool (at least that's what I told myself).

Not only have I been eating poorly and eating too much, but I also cut back on my gym workouts drastically. I didn't even go this morning, claiming I was just too tired and too beaten down. That's exactly when I should go, but I just couldn't do it this morning.

No worries though, I have plans to get back on track. I'm not beating myself up too bad because I have lots of other people that do a great job of beating me up mentally (okay, really only one person but she has many personalities).

Tomorrow I meet with an attorney to file court papers to stop my niece's crazy antics. Even though I'm dreading the whole legal maze I'll have to go through to stop my niece, I have a sense of relief that I made the decision to follow through on what I've been talking about for months.

Thank you for all your supportive comments on my sad day post yesterday. It really helped. I agree that I need to seek help from a professional. I know this, but right now I'm swamped with all the financial, medical and now legal facets of my sister's life, not to mention my real life job.

Until I get things straightened out for my sister, I have to put myself on the back burner, but just temporarily. I know someone I can see that can  help me. She's a therapist I met years ago in Toastmasters and she's awesome. We've kept in touch and as soon as things calm down a bit I'm calling her for an appointment. I think she can help me sort out this craziness. Thank you again. I love you guys. You make me feel somewhat normal (and not the wicked witch of Washington).

Having a very bad day

I've been on an emotional downward spiral all day today. After a 15-minute phone conversation with my craziest niece this morning about her mother (my sister) while on my way to work, I came into my office shaking, my heart pounding and very close to bursting into tears. It was a horrible conversation with a crazy person, and not a good way to start my day.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on. Even as I write this ten hours after the conversation, I can feel the pain like a knife in my chest.

I won't rehash all the evil things she said to me, but I have retained a local attorney to help me stop her from ever contacting me again. It's a sad situation and a path I didn't want to go down, but my mental health is too important to me to keep living with this kind of insanity.

I really want my old life back. I didn't know how good I had it, when life was simple and my biggest concerns were exercising and losing weight. I'm trying to make the best of things, but the sadness is overwhelming me.