If I love myself...

I picked up a book the other day. It was used, in a big pile of used books we had at work, and it was only $.50. It's a self-help book, and a review on the back cover says "An excellent book for restructuring one's life and finding self-esteem and self-love." I hesitate to give the title yet until I've read some more. The author is listed as a "metaphysical" lecturer. I'm not sure how I feel about that so I want to read more to make sure it's not some nut-case book that I'm recommending.


This book isn't about weight loss, but the few pages I've read so far have really helped me get my head in the right place for exercise and dieting. Since I've been on a self-hate mission, using food as my method of self-destruction, I know I have issues in the self-esteem, self-love arena.


It's no secret that I've really been struggling with my weight. I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost. My weight this morning is 213.6. I was actually attempting to be careful in what I ate last week, and went to the gym three times, but I still gained three pounds in a week. Obviously, I have a problem.


In this book, there are exercises for the mind, as seems to be the rule of most books on self-esteem (this isn't my first). The book stresses the use of positive self affirmations, which have never come easy for me. Loving myself versus my natural state of hating myself is not something I'm good at doing.

This is the exercise I'm on now.

Exercise:  I Love Myself

Take a pad of paper and at the top, write, "I LOVE MYSELF; THEREFORE..."

Finish the sentence in as many ways as you can. Read it over daily, and add to it as you think of new things.

There's more to this exercise, the "Claim the New" where you visualize or imagine what you are working toward. Fill in all the details. Feel, see, taste, touch, hear. Notice other people's reactions to your new state. 


Sounds like a weight loss book.


My list so far:


I love myself; therefore...

I will eat healthy foods in moderate portions.

I will cook for myself. I am worth the time and effort. 

I will eat very little processed foods. I deserve better.


I will exercise daily to keep my body and mind healthy.


I will not talk mean to myself when I look in the mirror. 

I will not talk mean to myself when I step on the scale.

I will not talk mean to myself when I get dressed in the morning. 

I will not talk mean to myself. Period. 


I will not worry about what people think about my weight gain. It doesn't matter what they think. This is my problem, not theirs.


I will be kind to myself even though I've gain a lot of weight. 

I will understand there are reasons I gained the weight and not blame myself or call myself stupid and ugly because of it.

I will accept responsibility for what I have done to myself, but not hate myself because of it. 


I will not condemn myself repeatedly during my day for gaining weight. 

I will love myself. 

I will be gentle with myself. 

I will be understanding when I go off my plan, and not criticize myself repeatedly with words of hate and shame.

I will be encouraging to myself.

I will drink lots of water and not use the excuse at work that I don't have time to go to the bathroom.

I will resume my healthy habits that I've neglected, such as taking my daily vitamins and supplements.

I will discontinue getting a small buttered popcorn at the movies every weekend with my sister. I don't even like it that much and it's very unhealthy. 

I will track my food. Bite it, write it. Regardless of which weight loss plan I choose, this is critical in weight loss. Again, I'm worth the time and effort.

I will buy some clothes that fit so I'm comfortable and look presentable. It's just a size, it doesn't make me a bad person to wear a larger size.


I will approve of myself instead of continually disapproving of my every action.

This is my list off the top of my head. I'm sure there will be many more things that I will add to it.

Sixteen years ago, during one of my many weight loss attempts, I lost 108 pounds (I was 123 pounds, 5' 6" and actually, a little too thin). My husband told me something I've thought about a lot lately. He said "when  you're thin, you're a different person. You're happy and positive about life. You want to do things. When you gain weight, you're not happy and your entire personality changes."


He wasn't necessarily being critical, and since I was at a low weight I took it as a compliment. He spoke the truth. I am a different person on the outside when I gain a lot of weight, and as unfortunate as it may be, that changes the person on the inside too. 


If I love myself, I will do this.

Standing on my own two feet

Yesterday wasn't a perfect day, but it was a much better exercise and food day than I've had in the past month.

Even though I didn't make it to the gym, I still burned over 2500 calories according to my BodyMedia (which I'm wearing again). I worked in the yard, specifically, I pulled weeds and planted flowers. I use to love working in the yard. The feeling of a weed-free flower bed and beautiful flowers planted by my own hand always delighted me in the past.

Yesterday, as I was on my hands and knees pulling up stubborn weeds, with every part of my body aching, I kept asking myself "why did I ever think gardening was fun?". It's hard work, and getting up from being in an on all-fours position when I weigh 208 pounds was particularly painful. A few times I thought I might not be able to get up. Which made me realize just how quickly my body has fallen apart. The lesson learned is that if I don't take care of my body, it won't be able to take care of me. It was an eye-opening experience.

Even though I'm almost 57 (in August) I've never felt old in my entire life. I always thought I felt and looked younger than the number of years I'd been on this earth. I was able to pull that off with only spurts of exercise during my life until I hit my fifties. Then I realized daily exercise wasn't optional anymore. Once I hit 50 my entire body changed and not for the better either. I think Cher said it best in an interview with Oprah a few years ago about getting old (Cher was 61 at the time). It sucks.

Since I have no desire to end up disabled from my own stupid neglect of my body, it's time I get serious about taking care of myself. There's no guarantees I still won't end up in a wheelchair, but why throw the odds in the favor of being disabled. I have enough bad stuff in my genetic makeup to make that happen without me adding to it. The odds are already against me due to a history of strokes in the women of my family (two aunts on my mother's side, my mother and my sister).

The threat of not being able to stand up on my own two feet or get up if I fall are certainly motivators for living a healthy lifestyle. Never mind being able to fit into my jeans, which would be nice, but  being able to walk when I'm in my eighties would even nicer.

Plans for today
My husband is in Denver this weekend (he was there last weekend too). His dad is in the hospital due to severe emphysema. My father-in-law's smoking is the direct cause of his emphysema. He'll be on an oxygen tank the rest of his life, but at 78 and in poor health, the rest of his life probably isn't going to be much longer. My husband said his dad keeps saying he feels like he's not getting any oxygen even though they're giving him as much as possible. It's a very sad situation.

That reminds me, I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it, but my sister and brother-in-law smoked for over 40 years. If you remember, my brother had a major heart attack two years ago and died suddenly at 73. My sister's doctors said the smoking probably contributed to her stroke. Even though both of them had quit smoking 15 years ago, and had been going to the gym daily for the previous four years, the damage to their bodies had already been done. Dying suddenly was awful for my brother-in-law, but the stroke my sister had is a fate worse than death. Not that I'm telling you anything you don't already know. Just something to think about if you're a  smoker.

Sunday is always my day with my sister. I'm still not sure if the weather is going to hold out for the zoo and aquarium. The forecast for this afternoon is only partly cloudy versus how it looks right now, which is very cloudy and dark. Either the zoo or a movie and lunch. Depends on the weather.

The main exhibit at the Tacoma Art Museum is GLBT centric erotic art. I don't have a problem with the GLBT thing, just not sure if my sister is up to seeing erotic art of any kind (my sister is 73). Still, the paintings are by Andy Warhol, Georgia O'Keefe (love her stuff), and some other very famous artists so it's still a possibility.

Funny thing about Georgia O'Keefe, I had some large, framed prints of hers in my living room for years. I loved them. They were of giant flowers and I thought they were just beautiful. I never thought of them as erotic, I just thought they were pretty. I read some articles on Georgia yesterday and the critics were saying her flower artwork was erotic. What? Who thinks up this stuff? It's just pretty paintings of flowers. Maybe the art museum is still a good idea. GLBT erortic art. Right. That's just someone's interpretation of the art. I suspect I'll think differently.

Before I pick up my sister, I have to quickly clean up the house since I neglected it yesterday in favor of the yard. Then I have to pick my husband up at the airport at 7pm. It's going to be a busy day!

Today I will stay focused on healthy eating and being active, knowing that everything I do now will help me remain healthy for the rest of my life. It will help me to continue to stand on my own two feet.

Now it's time to work on me

As in the case of most weight loss blogger disappearances, no news is usually not good news. I've been gone from here almost a whole month. It's not been a good month. Let's start with my weight. 

208

I feel really awful about my weight gain. I hate being this fat. I feel and look terrible. The emotional and physical pain of being obese is overwhelming. I'm angry at myself that I let this happen. 

I've been wallowing in self-pity for weeks, actually, more like months.  Once I lost control, I couldn't get it back. No food was off limits, and portion control wasn't even something I thought about. The gym, I think I went three times in the last month. 

After being in control for most of the last four years and maintaining my weight under 180 after starting out at 240 in 2008, I thought I had beat my food demons. I was wrong. I wasn't safe from my crazy obsession with food. I struggled but I was slowing losing the battle. 

There is a bit of good news to this sad post. I feel ready to get back in the game. 

I've been reading Bob Harper's book,The Skinny Rules: The Simple, Nonnegotiable Principles for Getting to Thin. Although I haven't been following any of the rules, I've been thinking about them. I'm ready to start. Today. This very minute. 

Almost everything else in my life has been difficult as well, but things are finally starting to turn a corner. Life goes on, things are getting better.

My husband and I are getting along really well the last few weeks. Probably because he went back to work at a great job that he loves. He was out of work for ten months. That was a lot of stress on both of us, a lot of arguments, and he was depressed. He's definitely a lot happier now which is good for both of us.

Things have finally settled down with all things involving my sister. I don't speak to my crazy niece (her oldest daughter). Our last conversation, which was hideous, was in mid-February. There's a Vulnerable Adult Order of Protection filed with the court for my sister against my crazy niece. It's good for five years. My niece has been hospitalized twice for psychiatric issues in the past month and has been diagnosed as bipolar and schizophrenic. I told you she was crazy. 

All of my sister's property in Fairbanks has been sold. Her house closed last week, and it was a cash sale. It was the easiest real estate transaction I've ever been involved in. It closed exactly two weeks from the time of the offer. Best real estate agent ever, Fairbanks, Alaska, Somers and Associates, Judy Somers. The person that bought my sister's house is a surgeon in Fairbanks and he's going to clear some of the 123 acres of land and have a hobby farm. Just like my sister and her husband did 15 years ago. That made me smile.

I've had an auction of all my sister's personal belongings and her farm equipment. Faribanks Auction, Joe Campbell, best auctioneer I've ever met. Okay, the only one I've ever met but he was wonderful. 

My sister's 2010 and 2011 income tax has been filed (that was a major task). My permanent guardianship has been granted and the Inventory and Guardianship Implementation Plan has been filed with State of Alaska. They told me it looked great and there shouldn't be any problems on getting it approved. It took me weeks days to pull it together. 

My sister and I have settled into a comfortable relationship. I pick her up on Sunday and we do something fun together. The outings vary, and she always seems to enjoy herself. Last week we went to a movie and out to dinner. The weekend before we went to the Museum of Glass in Tacoma (ever heard of Dale Chihuly?). We watched a glass blowing demonstration, toured the museum and had lunch at the museum (delicious Argentinian food), then a movie. This weekend I'm thinking about taking her to the Pt. Defiance Zoo if the weather is half-way decent (not looking like it now), or maybe lunch and the Most Exotic Marigold Hotel movie. She loves movies. Next weekend it's the movie Prometheus for sure. My sister loves science fiction (I do too!).

My sister's condition hasn't changed for several months. She's stabilized. She talks all the time, but I can't understand a word she says, other than an occasional okay or bye-bye. She can't write and I'm unsure if she can read. She acts she can read but then when she orders food at restaurants she always points to the pictures. If there aren't any pictures, she asks me to pick something. She's still completely paralyzed on the right side. There's very little hope that she'll ever get better. She nods yes and no, but often gets them mixed up.

As a last ditch attempt to see if there's anything else that can help my sister, I'm taking her to see a neurologist in Seattle next month. I'm not hopeful, but it's worth a try.  

I adore my sister and I'm happy I can be there for her. One thing I've learned from all of this is that having a severe stroke like my sister is probably one of the most horrific things that can happen to a person. Not being able to communicate is the worst part. I could handle being paralyzed on one side and being in a wheelchair, but not being able to speak or write is unbelievably frustrating for her and everyone around her. We manage and make the best of it, but it's not easy. 

One last thing to mention, my job. It has been a really rough few months with a lot of 55+ hour weeks and working on weekends. We made our deadline on our project, and it's in the testing phase by our QA team. Now there's a hard push to fix all the bugs. I currently have 35 bugs assigned to me. A lot of them are because I took on the bugs of another developer that's still working on writing code for the reporting piece of the project. It's going to be tough to get through the next three weeks, but it still won't be as bad as the past three months. The past three months have been a tiny piece of hell at work.

So that's my life in a nutshell. Work was rough, but better now. My sister's situation has finally settled down. My marriage is in a good place. So now it's time to work on me. My weight loss and my health. Diet and exercise - here I come!

Chasing Daylight & finding happiness

I'm reading a really good book, Chasing Daylight by Gene O'Kelly. Because of this book, I had one of the best days I've had in a very long time. The author, a CEO of a major global company, tells the true story of the last three months of his life. He had inoperable brain cancer. When he's diagnosed, he's told by two top neurologist that he has three months to live. I know this sounds terribly depressing, but it's not. It's one of the most uplifting and moving books I've ever read. It's about how to live your life. It's really making me stop and reassess my life.

I took the day off from work and decided I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I had a hectic weekend getting the final paperwork together for my guardianship implementation plan and inventory for my sister. I put the finishing touches on it this morning (it's about 100 copies), had seven copies made at the UPS Store. Had my original notarized and certified mailed to the Alaska Court. Then the four other copies sent to the the four interested parties. I'm so glad that's finished. It was a huge project and has been hanging over my head for two months. It's not due until May 28 so I'm getting it sent in a couple weeks early.

Today I decided to take my sister to have her hair done, color and cut. There's a 40% discount on Monday's at the salon for the month of May on Mondays. Since their services are rather pricey that's a great savings. I also had her brows waxed and tinted. She loves getting her hair done (something I personally hate), so she was very happy on the outing.

Before I left to pick her up, I read a few chapters of Chasing Daylight. It really put the whole sister thing in a different light. Instead of feeling like it was chore to be with my sister, it felt like a gift.I had a whole different attitude about it. We had a really fun time together. After her hair and brows were done, we went for a walk near her home (the assisted adult family home). It was a spectacular day. Sunshine and 75 degrees. We walked (well, she "wheelchaired") for at least 15 blocks, then turned around and went back to her home. There was a perfect breeze and it was a perfect day.

When I came home, I decided I'd do more of the following in my life. These pictures are from this afternoon.

Enjoy the cherry blossoms in our front yard. There have been years (and this one almost one of them) that I barely even noticed this amazing tree.

Enjoy the perennials that come to life without any help from me. The bleeding heart is so beautiful. Again, there have been years when I saw it from the window but never even stepped outside to appreciate it.

Look up at the sky, under the umbrella of our huge maple tree. I love this tree. 

Spend more time with this guy, Mickey (fondly referred to as Mickey Mouse...get it, a cat named after a mouse). This is the coolest cat I've ever met (but I say that about every pet I've ever had). But guy really is special. Comes when he's called, cuddles when I want to cuddle, and loves to wrap his paws around my ankles when I come home, forcing me to pick him up. Who could resist?

Work less. Yes, I mean that sincerely. This was my cubicle about two weeks ago. Someone put up police tape as a joke because I told them to all stay out of my cube! I had work that had to get done and couldn't talk to anyone! Yes, work less is one of my goals.

Eat great food. This was my dinner. And yes, that is a small hamburger in the lower left corner. It's grass fed, 1/3 of a pound of beef, and it did taste delicious. I rarely eat beef, but today I wanted beef, so I had beef (soaked the fat out on a paper towel - but really, didn't worry too much about it). There's avocado on the salad and olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dressing. It was my only meal today and it was wonderful. I didn't intend to only eat one meal today. It just happened. Not a big deal.

Ah, the sun. I love the sun. When it shines here in Western Washington, I want to stop and just appreciate it. We don't get enough of it, and I want to soak it up when it's here.

My bare feet in the cool, moist grass. It felt great!

Read more, and read better quality books. The last three books were stroke books (possible therapies, the details of what happens during a stroke and after, how to prevent a stroke, etc.). They were as depressing as it can get. I need to read books that fill my soul. Chasing Daylight is one of those books.

Eat fresh, perfect, sweet strawberries. These were incredible strawberries. 

There's a whole life to live. It's not a downer to be alive. My sister isn't a downer. In fact, she's an inspiration. To have gone through what she's gone through in the last seven months and still laugh at herself when she does crazy stuff (her world is a little upside down and backwards), well, she's nothing short of amazing.

I think I found my happiness.

Health and happiness - lacking both

I can't remember the last time I posted, but I know I didn't say much. I've been quiet because it seems like all I do is whine and complain about my life.

I've continued to eat poorly and not exercise. The result is continuing weight gain. My last weigh in on Friday was 202 pounds. I feel and look like hell.

Then there are the hives that are occurring more frequently. I had a hive breakout Thursday night, Friday morning and Friday night, Saturday morning and Saturday night. No hives on Sunday. Then this morning was the worst one yet, with big, red welts from my knees up to my breasts, and both arms.

I went to the gym this morning when the hives started and were only a few splotches on my stomach. This whole hive thing started when I started slacking with my workouts and eating a lot of processed foods. My workout was good today, but the hives got worse during my my hour at the gym. By the time I was done with my workout I felt like my entire upper body was on fire, and I was an itchy mess.

The hives also started exactly one week after I was made my sister's permanent guardian on February 28. This means I'm responsible for her for the rest of her life. She's 73 and in spite of having a major stroke, she's in perfect health. Even her blood pressure, without blood pressure medicine, is normal. She'll probably live several more years. I have mixed feelings about this. I love her to pieces, but I know she's not happy, trapped in a body that doesn't work on one side, and unable to communicate through speech or written word. Her life isn't easy.

Strangely, when I take a shower the hives calm down and disappear in about thirty minutes. I thought maybe I was allergic to our laundry detergent. I switched to a no dye, no perfume, made for sensitive skin laundry detergent a few weeks ago. It hasn't made any difference.

The funny thing about not having hives on Sunday is that I spent several hours with my sister. She was having a screaming, crying fit when I arrived because of an incident that happened at the home with another resident at lunch. An old man fell, couldn't get up, and the caregiver had to call the paramedics to help him. He wasn't hurt, and was resting in his room when I arrived.

My sister was furious with the caregiver for not helping the old man when he was on the floor, but he weighs about 220, and is a big guy. He refused to try to help himself and he was wailing his arms, hitting anyone that came near him. Then my poor sister, paralyzed on one side, in a wheelchair, tried to help him, and another resident screamed at her to stop because she could get hurt. My sister was extremely upset about this incident. I arrived about an hour after it happened and my sister wanted to make sure I knew about it. I didn't get the information from my sister because she's impossible to understand, but I got it from another resident that tells me everything that goes on at the home.

The caregiver came in and tried to calm my sister down, but it made it worse. My sister screamed at her, crying the whole time. This was very stressful, yet I didn't break out in hives. I never break out in hives when I'm with my sister.

My sister finally calmed down and let me do her hair and makeup so we could go to the movies. We saw The Avengers in 3D, and it was really good. I think she like it. She always seems to enjoy going on outings. She put her one 3D glasses on and when I looked at her I realized they were on upside down, which was pretty funny.

I still haven't seen my regular doctor about the hives, but I don't know what she can do for me anyway. The doctor I saw six weeks ago prescribed a heartburn medicine, Zantac, because he said it sometimes had the side effect of preventing hives. I've never had heartburn and it certainly didn't help the hive situation. After I gave the doctor a two-minute overview of my life, he was positive the hives were stress induced. He told me I needed to learn how to relax. I wish it was that easy to not worry about stuff and just take each day as it comes. Unfortunately, I haven't figured that out yet.

I thought about taking an anti-anxiety drug, but after I read about the common side effects, there's no way in hell I'm taking that stuff. I'm not much for taking drugs anyway, and these anti-anxiety drugs sound downright scary. I know a few people that take anti-anxiety drugs, two of my nieces and a good friend, and although they seem relaxed about things and rarely get upset or worried, it's changed them in other, undesirable ways. I'm sure someone reading this will tell me they take anti-anxiety meds and they're fine, and I'm sure that's true for a lot of people. I'm just not willing to add another thing to my life the might cause me harm. I've done enough of that already.

So, I need a plan. I need to lose weight, get healthy and hopefully, stop the hive outbreaks. 

1. Cut out ALL processed foods, count calories.

I didn't realize how easily I'd fallen into the processed food trap. SmartOnes, Lean Cuisines, when I'm trying to eat healthy. Then I eat junk when I just don't care what I eat (which is often!).  Portion control? That hasn't even been on my radar.

2. Exercise

I have to workout almost every day. I feel better, I eat better, I work harder at trying to keep my weight under control, and exercise is good for me, mentally and physically. I can't believe how easily I went from a minimum of five days a week to one or maybe two days a week of exercise. That's just insane. It's back to my routine of "exercise isn't optional, it's a requirement".

3. Yoga

I have nine more sessions of yoga left on my prepaid card. I went once and although I really liked it, it made me nauseous. It was that stupid "put your legs in the air and pretend your riding a bicycle. That exercise always make me want to throw up. Next time I'll just skip that one and relax instead.

Well, I guess that's enough words for today. I'm making up for lost time. I'm taking the day off from work. I have some legal stuff to take care of for my sister. It's a gorgeous day and since my weekend was spent either working on paperwork for my sister (12 hours on Saturday, and 4 hours on Sunday) or time with my sister, I need a little me time. Perhaps a yoga class is in my future today.

Things that made me smile today...

I've seen this before, but when I saw it on a grandniece's Facebook today it made me laugh out loud. She's 21, has a four-year old, going through a divorce, works 30 hours a week at a nursing home, and goes to nursing school full time.

After my 13-hour work day today, I can't sleep so I was watching Jay Leno (way past my normal beditme), and he mentioned this video. Very cool and very sweet.



Still hanging in there, trying my best to get through one day at a time. Work is killing me!

Love the sunshine

My two hours of working on my sister's paperwork and trying to organize her business receipts for the tax accountant for her 2011 taxes (just got her 2010 a few weeks ago)  turned in six hours! I hate paperwork!

However, I love our weather and I'm heading outside in a few minutes. I can't decide whether to get my bike down and go for a ride or go to the gym. It would my first bike ride since August 6, 2011, when I broke my scaphoid bone in my wrist and wore a cast for three months. I'm a little apprehensive about getting on a bike.

I'll let you know tomorrow if it's the gym or the bike ride. Tomorrow is definitely a picnic down by the water with my sister. I finally got the disabled parking placard last week so we should be able to find parking (I hope!).

I'm on track with the calories today and wearing my BodyMedia. It said I only slept four hours last night. That explains why I woke up exhausted this morning. Not sure how I'm ever going to fix my sleep issues.

I can't wait to go outside!