Life goes on

My last post was sad. It's so sad that I can't even read it myself. I wanted to delete it, just like I've wanted to delete many of my recent posts. I've decided to leave it. These posts are chronicling my life, even if they are somewhat devastating for me to read. Someday I will look back and this and laugh at myself and all of my melodramatics (at least that's what I hope I feel...someday).

Right now I'm doing "okay". Okay can mean a lot of things, but I think it's better than "not bad". I'm relatively happy for someone who has no idea what the future holds. I don't know where I'll be living next year.

I also don't know how my finances will be affected by my divorce, although I'm sure it will be a negative impact. Washington state is a community property state. I never knew what that meant exactly. I was under the impression it meant a 50/50 property split. I didn't realize it meant my 401k and my pension plan were up for grabs at 50/50. My husband doesn't have a 401k or a pension plan since he's never had a permanent job for more than a couple years and also chose to not work for about half of our married life. I've worked consistently for the last 30 years at the same company. We've been married for 25 years. He's "entitled" to fifty percent of my retirement accounts accumulated by me for the last 25 years. It's a state law. It isn't fair but there's nothing I can do about it.

To add insult to injury my husband just filed for a 90-day continuance of our divorce trial. It was scheduled for November 19. His divorce attorney withdrew from the case. I had to sort of laugh about this. Even his divorce attorney divorced him. Unfortunately for me, this means another 90 days of paying his bills. Including health insurance, car insurance on his two cars and numerous credit cards in both of our names. Again, ordered by the court because he was unemployed until three months ago. It's all very frustrating.

Okay, enough about my miserable divorce. Other than that, I'm really doing okay. My CT scan was all clear. No sign of the uterine leiomyosarcoma cancer returning in my body. It's only been six months since the surgery to remove it. It usually takes seven to eighteen months for it to return and metastasize in another location, usually the liver or the lungs. So I certainly don't consider myself off the hook yet. Sometimes I wonder if my husband is hoping he can wait out the cancer and I'll die before we get divorced. He'd certainly be better off. Especially since the court wouldn't let me cancel my life insurance policy with him as the beneficiary, a rather large insurance policy. He has a very small one with his mother as the beneficiary. That tells you something right there about our marriage.

My "roommate" is awesome! I'll leave it at that. Someday I'll write more on this topic, but I can't now.

Diet and exercise...what can I say that hasn't been said a million times? I'm trying, but that's not good enough. It's better than I've been in past years, but I'm not exercising enough and not tracking my food. Usually when I get to this part of my post, I quit writing and shut my computer I have several unpublished posts that prove this point). Today I'm just going to leave it at that...I'm trying. I haven't given up. I'm not eating crazy amounts of food or unhealthy food (well not very much with the exception of Halloween), but I'm eating too much and not exercising enough. Like I said, I'm trying.

I'm still reading your posts but I'm finding that many people have simply dropped out of sight. People that I read for years seemed to have just vanished out of sight. It makes me a little sad. I miss them. But to those of you still out there, I love reading your posts. Even if I don't post a comment, I love keeping up on your lives.

Take care everyone and have a great holiday, that honors our veterans. That reminds me, I need to go put out the flag!

You do not know me

The criminal case against my husband has been thrown out. The assistant prosecutor called me Monday and told me. He is very young and inexperienced. He told me that he didn't think he could win the case. He said it was a "she said/he said" case. I guess the bruises and scrapes on my body, the hair that fell out in clumps the next day from my husband pulling it out, don't mean anything.

Today I read what he wrote about the case and why it was being dismissed. I was devastated. I was called a liar, that I didn't sound like I was afraid on the 911 tape. I finally stood up to the bully and because I didn't run screaming from the house in the middle of the night that what happened to me was my fault. I don't even begin to understand our justice system, but I can certainly see that it's flawed.

I want to send this to the little twerp that's the assistant prosecutor, but I'm not going to. It wouldn't serve any purpose. However, writing it here has helped me.

To the assistant prosecutor on my case --

You do not know me

You do not know the pain I've endured during my 24 years of marriage to a tyrant and a bully.

You do not know how many times I was screamed at and called names like "stupid fucking bitch" or how many times my husband  told me that I was an idiot, that I didn't know anything.

You do not know how many times I was shoved and pushed by my husband. Or how he would stand an inch from my face and called me names that I can't even put in writing, screaming at me so loud that his spit would hit my face.

You do not know about the time my husband ripped the collar on my bathrobe as he jerked me around like a rag doll.

You do not know about the time he literally tore down my locked bedroom door in the middle of the night so he could scream at me.

You do not know how many times he would come into my room in the middle of the night while I was sleeping, yelling obscenities at me. The next day I would have to go to work while he slept.

You do not know about his relationships with other women during our marriage or his porn addiction.

You do not know about his 10,000 emails and chats over the last two years to a woman that was his high school sweetheart. His main topic was me and how much he hated me and that I was stupid.

You do not know about all the years my husband spent not working, always finding an excuse to avoid full-time employment, going for months at a time staying home and watching TV or sleeping or instant messaging his girlfriends and viewing porn. While I worked full-time the entire time of our marriage. I was the main support of the household

You do not know that I was raised by a good family on a homestead in Alaska with wonderful parents.

You do not know that I'm a Christian and believe in God and Jesus as my Savior. I was raised in the Baptist Church and was taught to be kind, to follow the ten commandments and to be a good person and live a good life. I was taught that divorce is wrong and that God hates divorce. However, considering my marriage I'm pretty sure I have God's blessing for my divorce.

You do not know that I have a college degree and work as a software developer engineer.

You do not know that I have worked for the same company for 30 years.

You do not know that I have close girlfriends that I've had for over 25 years and that my husband's only friend is someone he met a few months ago.

You do not know that I'm the legal guardian of my disabled 74-year sister who suffered a debilitating stroke two years ago. She can't speak or walk. I visit her every Sunday and take her out to a movie and dinner.

The most important thing that you do not know about me is that I'm not a liar. What I said happened on the night of November 7, 2012 was the truth. The man I had lived with for 24 years put a loaded 357 magnum between my eyes and said:  "You stupid fucking bitch, do you want me to blow your fucking head off?! I will, I will! I'll do it you stupid bitch!". I didn't make this up. It's embarrassing to me to even repeat those words.

He crossed the line that time and that's why I called the police. That's why I reported this because I finally stood up to the bully.

For you to throw out this case after eleven months and say it was my fault because I yelled at my husband, that I didn't sound scared when I was on the 911 call, and that there's no case is reprehensible. You should be ashamed. You're a disgrace to your office.

I can still laugh

Probably almost everyone has already seen this video since it's gone viral on the internet. Everyone I know has posted it on their Facebook page. Yet it still made me laugh.

My last post was dreadful. I even thought about taking it down. I'm not going to remove it because I think it's important for people to know how the justice system is flawed for the victims of crimes. Delaying the court date four and now possibly five times is ridiculous. Being verbally abused by someone who is the defense attorney (the attorney of the criminal) is just plain evil.

I'm okay now. My roommate is at work today so I sat by the fireplace in my pajamas until noon. Watching stupid stuff on TV, crying, feeling sorry. I continue on with my life, do what I have to do. Work, live, love, laugh.

These are tough times but life goes on no matter what. I have a lot of good stuff in my life too. The assault, the criminal trial, the divorce - these things do not define who I am. I am more than any of these things. I am better than the defense attorney. At least I can live with myself and I don't hurt people or try to make them feel bad. I wonder how he sleeps at night. I bet he has to take sleeping pills or drinks to get to sleep.

Regardless, it's all good. I survived this past week and the week before. I will survive next week too. Hopefully I will live a good and healthy life.

Watch the video, The Fox. Live. Laugh. Love.

The worst day of my life

I've been having a lot of "worst day of my life" episodes in the past few years. I could start a TV series entitled "Worst Day of My Life".

Yesterday goes down in my book of life as a really bad day. I've gone over it in my head a hundred times reviewing what happened and how I could have handled it differently. I wish I could have a re-do of yesterday. Sadly, what happened is permanently implanted in my brain and my heart.

It started with me renting a U-Haul van to deliver twenty boxes of belongings to my soon-to-be ex-husband's divorce attorney's office. These were computer books and software and the delivery was court-ordered.

Next, I got ready to head to the prosecutor's office for an interview with my husband's defense attorney for the criminal trial scheduled for next week. It was something I didn't want to do, but I was not given a choice in the matter. I knew it would be hard, reliving what happened on November 7, 2012, but I had no idea just how much it would hurt.

The interview was my worst nightmare. It was at the prosecutor's office with the prosecutor and my advocate by my side. My husband's attorney was tenacious, delving into every part of my life that he thought would hurt me. I became angry, but tried to maintain a calm exterior. The bottom line is that he made me out to be the criminal and my husband the victim. It was really unbelievable.

After an hour of being attacked, it was over. I felt like I was once again a victim. I was trying hard not to cry. After the evil defense attorney left, the prosecutor told me that was just a taste of what was to come at the trial. That's when they told me I would be put on the witness stand. Until yesterday I've been told I wouldn't have to testify. I was told because if they had me testify, then the defense would get to cross-examine me and if they did, they would try to destroy everything I said and make me look bad. Now I'm told because it's a "he said, she said" case that I would be testifying. The prosecutor said a lot of what my husband's attorney asked me wouldn't be allowed, but that I would be asked a lot of tough, embarrassing questions.

The advocate talked to me for a while and said it's normal for the defense attorney to make the victim doubt themselves. Their intent is to make me look bad and to hurt me. The victim continues to be victimized.

After all of this, I left the courthouse and sat in the U-Haul van and sobbed for about five minutes. Finally, I pulled myself together and headed over to my husband's divorce attorney's office to deliver the twenty boxes. When I talked to the receptionist she informs me I have to deliver the boxes to the second floor and that there isn't an elevator. The high ceilings makes the staircase twice as tall as normal. Some of the boxes are heavy. This seems like another tactic to add insult to injury.

I headed back out to the van to start the delivery process when my husband pulled into the parking lot and parks next to me. He gets out of his truck and is crying telling me how much he loves me and misses me. I haven't spoken to him in almost a year. There are three restraining orders against him to not come near me. I have to decide if I talk to him and have him take the boxes or if I haul them all up to his attorney's office.

His attorney's glass windows looks down on the parking lot. His attorney wasn't in but his assistant was waiting for me. I knew she could see the parking lot so I felt relatively safe. In hindsight, I realize now I made a really bad choice. I asked my husband if he would take the boxes of his belongings, inventory them and load them into his truck. He agreed.

The next hour as he inventoried the boxes and signed off on each inventory sheet was the most stressful and difficult hour I've endured in almost a year. Even that hour after my cancer diagnosis wasn't as painful as an hour in his presence.

He cried and pleaded with me over and over to drop the charges. I told him it was too late. I couldn't just let someone beat me, pull my hair out, put a gun to my head, threaten to kill me and let them walk away as though nothing happened.  He begged me to try and work things out with him. He kept saying how much he loved me and missed me. He repeated over and over how scared he is that he will end up in jail. I tried to keep the focus on him just taking the boxes of his belongings and complete the inventory. I told him I didn't want to talk about these things and only deliver his belongings to him, as ordered by the court.

Finally, he finished the inventory and I got in the van to leave. He looked at me through the window of the van, crying, and said "I still love you". I put my head down, refused to look at him, as he drove off.

There were no tears on my part. I felt pity for him and nothing else. I drove home feeling numb and dead inside. How did this happen to me? How did I wind up living a stupid lifetime movie?

Looking back on yesterday, I handled all of it poorly. I was not prepared to be destroyed by the defense attorney. I knew it would be difficult, I just didn't know how difficult. At least I know what to expect in court next week.

My encounter with my husband took me completely by surprise. I wasn't prepared to see him. I handled that poorly too. I should have just walked away, got in the van and left the premises. I wasn't thinking right. The stress from reliving the assault by my husband during the hour with his defense attorney sucked the life out of me. I didn't react normally when I saw my husband. I also think that it was a setup, done on purpose because the timing was too coincidental to have been an accident. My husband knew what time I was suppose to deliver the boxes to the defense attorney. Why did he show up just minutes after I arrived?

The criminal trial is scheduled for next week, on Wednesday, October 9. However, I was told by the prosecutor (who I didn't like) that it might be delayed again. It depends if they can get a judge. I'm starting to feel like this will never be over. That's it's just one long process to destroy me.

I have nothing positive to say here. Right now I feel wounded. Hurt. Sad. Broken. My roommate told me last night that I'm the strongest woman he's ever met yet I feel like I'm at my weakest.

In eleven days I have a CT scan for my cancer and an appointment with my oncologist. I'll find out if the cancer has come back. I feel like with all the stress in my life that I'm welcoming it back against my will.

Like I said, I don't have anything positive to say today. Just another episode of "The Worst Day of My Life".

The pitter patter of little feet

When I was little my mother would often wake me with a cheerful "Diana, it's time to rise and shine! I want to hear the pitter patter of those little feet on the floor!".  I had a terribly happy mother that was always in a good mood in the morning (and pretty much all the time).

I have been up since 4 a.m. but there has been very little pitter patter of my feet. I am exhausted since I haven't really slept for the last three years.

It's 5:03 a.m. right now. I've been reading blogs the past hour and could happily continue for another hour. But now I really need to move, get my gym clothes on, drive six minutes to the gym, go inside, and really move body.

I don't want to move. I want to sit here by the fireplace, in my recliner, with my kitty curled up on my stomach as I type on my laptop. My kitty, Mickey, is the love of my life. White, longish fur, with a red head and red tail and he is Mr. Personality Plus. He never fails to make me smile. I really hate to disturb him (or do I really mean it's "me" that I don't want to disturb).

Unfortunately, life seems to be a series of things I'd rather not do. Going to the gym in the dark, cold, and rainy weather is one of them. However, I want that good feeling I get afterwards more than I want to sit here, warm and comfortable, with my best fur friend cuddled up with me. Of course, as I typed that, I thought, "Nah! This is better."

Regardless, I'm going to do what is the right thing for me, for my health and for my head...exercise. Lack of sleep is a poor excuse to not exercise.

So my little feet  (are size nine feet little?) are going to get moving and get to the gym before it's too late. I have to be out of the house by 5:30 a.m. It's 5:15 a.m. right now.

My first day back on Weight Watchers

I made it through my first day of Weight Watchers without feeling completely starved and only mildly deprived. I actually tracked every bite and stayed within my Points.

I don't remember the last time I tracked an entire day of food. It was interesting that even though I don't have that ridiculous 100% focus on weight loss that makes me somewhat psycho (okay, a LOT psycho), I still made really good choices.

At the movie I refused the buttered popcorn my friend offered to me, but I did indulge in his Junior Mints. I used my Weight Watcher phone app and scanned the bar code. Sixteen Junior Mints is 5 Points. I counted out 16 mints, placed them on a napkin and ate them one by one, savoring each bite. They would have been better if they were frozen but this theater doesn't freeze them. My sister, who was with us (and is with us every Sunday) thought the whole thing was hysterically funny.

My friend thought I was just plain nuts and tried to convince me to eat whatever I want on weekends and diet during the week. It works for him. He eats super healthy all week, then starting Friday night through Sunday night, he eats whatever he wants. This maintains his healthy 160 pounds on a 6' frame (and he's 55 years old). I claim he has some sort of freakishly fast metabolism although he swears that's not the case. Regardless, I know my body well enough to know I can't eat whatever I want on weekends. The Junior Mints were my big indulgence and something I would have never done in my previous life. Waste 5 Points on candy?! Never! But this is my new life where I relax the rules a little on occasion, in an effort to maintain my sanity.

Dinner was at Applebees last night, with my sister and friend. He almost always orders from the under 550 calorie selection. I looked up the nutrition for the Napa Chicken and Portobello meal he ordered and it was 11 Points. Less than the Weight Watcher selections. It was really good and very filling. I'd highly recommend it if you end up eating at Applebees.

It's almost 5 a.m. I'm going to get dressed in my gym clothes and head to the gym. It's going to be part of my new routine. I'm excited to see what they've done to it during the week long closure for renovation. I really hope they have some cool, new cardio equipment. I hate cardio so anything different would be fun.

I can't believe I've actually posted two days in a row. It's been months but I feel this blog is a necessary and fun part of trying to lose weight. I've missed it. I've missed the people that use to read it and leave kind and supportive comments. I hope you're all still out there. :)

A Divine Intervention

Last week was one of the most difficult and emotional weeks I've had in a long time. This coming from a woman who has had the most difficult year of her life.

I had to go to court two times last week. One for being held in contempt of court by my estranged husband for ridiculous charges. This was the third time for the same imagined offense. He claimed I had returned his computers to his attorney with the hard drives wiped clean. This is simply not true. They were in working condition when I delivered them to his attorney's office in March. I have been to court three times over this charge and the first two times the judge told him to bring in evidence. I had contacted a computer forensics specialist and he told a hard drive kept a record on it of the exact date and time it was wiped clean. Each time my husband showed up in court he was suppose to present the evidence. Naturally, since it never happened he never had any evidence.

As I drove to court on Wednesday I prayed. I prayed for three things: 1.) that the judge was fair and saw through the lies; 2.) my attorney would be at the top of his game and 3.) that my mother was there in spirit (I was wearing her wedding band on my right ring finger - the first time ever).

What happened in the next two hours was amazing. First, the judge that was assigned to the hearing called in sick at the last minute. I knew her from another hearing and for some reason I never understood, she didn't like me. She always seemed to side with my husband's attorney and not mine. Instead she had been replaced with a judge that had been on the bench for forty years and he was the most fair and impartial judge I've ever had at a hearing. Keep in mind I've been in court nine times in less than a year, with different judges. I'm getting to know a lot of them.

Second, my attorney had just returned from a ten-day vacation. He had spent all day Sunday in his office studying up on his cases. He was at the top of his game. He was the best I've ever seen him.

Third, even though my mother wasn't there (she passed away in 2005), when my attorney walked up to me in the courthouse he had someone with him. Someone I've known for two years and consider a friend. I've heard all about her divorce. She's the one who recommended my divorce attorney saying he was the best (and he has been wonderful). She was bringing her husband back to court for being in arrears for $50,000 of child support. Her case was heard right before mine. So even though my mom wasn't there it was like God sent a friend to be by my side.

I won't go into the details of the hearing, but everything went really well for me, and really bad for my husband. I do feel a certain amount of pity for him, but any love I felt at one time is gone. I don't wish him a bad life, I just want him out of my life.

There was a settlement hearing for the divorce on Thursday. The idea was to settle division of property and debt so we don't have to go to a divorce trial on November 19. I was sure it wouldn't go anywhere since we're not agreeing on division of property or debt. My husband was 30 minutes late to the hearing. They kept us in separate rooms. The judge was kind and seemed fair. However, he said that my husband and his attorney hadn't submitted any documents for the settlement hearing so it was not going to happen. I had agonized for hour preparing my document, trying my best to divide everything 50/50. Oh well. More of my time wasted. Not to mention the $270 for my attorney to just show up, the three hours I took off from work, and the ridiculous $12 parking fee.

The criminal trial is scheduled for October 9. It's suppose to last four or five days. I meet with my husband's defense attorney on Friday for an interview, with the prosecutor and my advocate. I'm dreading but I just hope he sees the truth. I know what my husband has told his defense attorney. I've seen the numerous declarations my husband has filed with the court. They're pretty amazing. It's like reading a fictional novel about a crazy, lunatic female - but that female is suppose to be me and this is my real life.

On the diet and exercise note, I rejoined Weight Watchers yesterday. My weight is definitely up, 198. I'm not crazy about the new leader. In fact, she's really awful. With our old leader the room was filled with people. It was energetic and fun. There was always at least sixty people at the meetings with Janis. Now, about ten people showed. up. It was so boring I thought I was going to fall asleep. Next week my girlfriend and I are going to try a different meeting. I briefly met the leader from the earlier meeting. She was leaving when I arrived. She was friendly, said hello, and asked me how I was doing. Even though I'd never met her I felt a positive energy from her and thought she might be a good leader.

Exercise has been horrible for weeks now. I finally made it back to the gym last weekend only to find out it was closing for all of last week for renovations and new equipment being brought in. So now I'm kind of excited about getting back to my morning routine this week and see what type of new equipment they have and what it looks like. It was definitely in need of an overhaul.

I have my CT Scan on October 16 to see if the cancer has returned, and appointment with my oncologist. I don't feel sick, but I didn't feel sick before until right before the surgery (before I even knew it was cancer). Usually this cancer, Uterine Leiomyosarcoma, comes back in seven to eighteen months after surgical removal. I'm only at six months so even it they don't see anything, it's still early.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic, just realistic. It's a very aggressive cancer so there's a very real possibility that it will come back. I hope it doesn't but only time will tell.

Well, that's it. Life goes on.