Confession is good for the soul

I forgot to post yesterday. This is a really hard habit to get back into. Just like the gym. Just like remembering I have to track every bite of food I eat. Just like walking shouldn't be a leisure activity, but I need to sweat. Just like I can't eat every time I feel a hunger pang.

This is not easy. Of course, if it was easy there wouldn't be any overweight people (how many times have we heard that one?). Losing weight is hard work, and keeping it off is even harder. 

I have a confession to make that I haven't told anyone, except my boyfriend. I feel guilty about this, but here it goes. I have a very good friend, who is also my ex-sister-in-law. She is one of my dearest friends, although we don't see each other as often as we used to. She was about 130 pounds overweight. In April last year she had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy (bariatric surgery). In the first six weeks she lost 40 pounds. She has since lost a total of 120 pounds, which I found out from her husband. I'm very happy for her, because I know how important this was to her. I'm also insanely jealous and envious of her success.

I hate myself for feeling like this, and for trying to avoid her. She's texted a few times to meet for coffee (she doesn't really eat anymore), and I made excuses to not see her. She texted me two night's ago asking for my vet's name because she had a very sick kitty, and my vet is open until 10pm. I ended up calling her and we talked for an hour about everything. I admitted to her I was jealous, and she was so sweet to me. She understood. We're meeting for coffee next week and I know nothing will be different between us. She's still my good friend, just a skinnier version. 

I would love to have this surgery. I know my friend was miserable for the first month and could barely swallow the smallest bites of food without them getting stuck in her esophagus. She said she feels great now. She still barely eats because she can't eat much without getting sick. She has to drink the bariatric shakes to get enough nutrition and take supplements - for the rest of her life. She's still losing weight, but not as quickly now. She wants to lose a little more weight, but she wouldn't say how much. 

I know weight loss surgery is not an easy fix. There's still a lot of mental issues that need to be dealt with. If my friend is going to therapy, she hasn't mentioned it. She's one of the sweetest, most loving people I know. I also know no one gains 130+ pounds unless there's something else going on. I know her marriage is difficult. She's married to my ex-husband's brother. Although he's a nicer version, he still has some serious issues.   

If I hadn't had Uterine Leiomyosarcoma (cancer) a couple years ago, I'd seriously consider this surgery. At least, I think I'd consider it. My boyfriend thinks it would be a huge mistake to mess with my body chemistry after I had the surgery to remove the cancer. Plus the fact that the cancer has a 50% chance of coming back. Having voluntary invasive surgery just seems like I'd be asking for trouble. Plus the long-term effects of the surgery aren't something I want to deal with (possible malnutrition).

I'm not having the surgery, but I can't help the feelings I'm having about my friend's rapid weight loss. I wish I could let go of the these feelings, but I  guess I'll just have to deal with them as I continue to do my best to lose weight the old fashioned way (called Weight Watchers...diet and exercise). 

Best diets for 2016

I can't believe I forgot to post anything yesterday. I thought about it, but then quickly forgot. It's funny how blogging was a natural part of my every day life, and now I simple forget about it. That is going to change this year!

My diet is going okay, not so much on the exercise. In fact, the diet isn't exactly perfect either. I forgot my lunch yesterday and went to Subway for a turkey sub. I didn't check the points first and was shocked to see it was 8 Smart Points. So many things have changed with Weight Watchers recently. I knew the old Point system really well and could rattle off the Points for most food items I eat. Not anymore! It's very different now.

The gym is on the agenda for tonight. I've committed to go with my boyfriend so I can't disappoint him. I'm aiming for a minimum of three days a week gym and three days a week walking at lunch. We'll see how successful I've been by Friday. 

Since I'm about ready to head out the door for work, this post is going to be a short one. One thing I'm going to check out tonight is this article, Best Diets U.S. News 2016. I'm thinking about trying something different than Weight Watchers. Sometimes I just need a new, shiny toy to get started. I'm going to read the article tonight and post my thoughts tomorrow. 

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Lazy Sunday

I may have gotten myself into a pickle with this HOT Chocolate 5k race in March. I thought I was doing pretty good with my walking. I walk at least days a week during my lunch hour. I knew I wasn't really pushing myself very hard, mainly because I'm lazy and it's more about getting a little fresh air and chatting with a girlfriend from work (more chatting than power walking). Yesterday I completed a 3.18 mile outdoor walk and here are my results:

Yikes! There's a minimum of a 15-minute mile walk to even be in this "race". It's called a race, but I have no intention of actually racing anyone. I just want to complete it in 45 minutes. As you can see, my current speed is a 19:29 minute mile.

In addition, my walk at work isn't very hilly, here's the elevation for the HOT Chocolate race. It's not exactly flat in downtown Seattle. I have a lot of work to do to get my speed up. Losing weight will definitely help too.

During my walk yesterday I could see the beautiful Mt. Rainier. It was only 33 degrees, but blue skies and sunshine. It felt so good to be outside, I love outdoor activity versus the gym.

When I got home I had a smoothie with fresh strawberries, spinach, a small banana and Siggi's yogurt, with a bunch of ice and water. I love Siggi's yogurt. It only has 11 grams of sugar and 14 grams of protein.

Today is an outdoor walk even though it's spitting snow and is only 29 degrees. I have to get an oil changed for my car, and I'm going to take that time to walk around the neighborhood. Maybe the gym too if I'm up to it. Although that doesn't sound very appealing right now. 

It's noon and I'm just now getting going. I'm definitely having a lazy Sunday!

High hopes for 2016

My current weight:

Start weight Jan. 1, 2016 --- 226.8

Okay, I got that out of the way. Enough said about that number. I haven't even figured out how much I gained or how much I want to lose. I was 152 pounds in the fall of 2009. 152 pounds on my 5'6 frame isn't too bad. It's not skinny, but it's a healthy weight for me.

No regrets about my weight now, since it's pointless to look back at what happened and what went wrong. No self-flagellation today, I've done enough of that already during 2015. The good news, if I try to be positive, is that I only gained 6.8 pounds since April. Anyway, it is what it is, but I'm going to fix it.

Apple Watch
I received an Apple watch for Christmas, which I love! The only feature that's not working is syncing with the Weight Watcher app. Weight Watchers told me "we do not have expertise or concern for Apple products". That was during a chat with Weight Watchers' online help. From someone named Sermiento, who is probably in a foreign country and didn't have a good grasp of the English language. It was kind of funny. I just told them thanks and Happy New Year. According to Apple, they're working on a fix with Weight Watchers. Regardless, I love this watch. So far I'm very impressed. I love the Activity app, and the Health app, and it's all on my iPhone. It's a very cool new toy and helps motivate me. I need all the help I can get!

HOT Chocolate 5k - Seattle - March 6, 2016
I signed up for the HOT Chocolate 5k race in Seattle for March 6th. I was actually pressured into this by my coworkers. Several of them signed up and had the crazy idea this would be a breeze for me because I often walk during my lunch hour at work. However, this requires a minimum time of a 15-minute mile. I'm a lazy walker and do more of a 17-minute mile. I'm going to need to up my speed before March 7. Lots of gym workouts and faster lunch-hour walks in my future Now that I've paid $52.44 to do this thing with my team (including my cool new manager that's a fitness nut), I really can't get out of it, which is a good thing (I think).

HOT Chocolate 5k Race - March 7, 2016

Yummy spinach / vegetable / fruit smoothies
I love this little blender. It's amazing! It will pulverize anything. I've been having a smoothie for breakfast (limited to 6 Smart Points) to make sure I get in vegetables and fruits, along with some protein every morning. I don't know if I'm tricking myself into thinking this makes me feel better, but whatever it is, it seems to be working.

Magic Bullet NutriBullet Pro 900 Series Blender/Mixer System

Online Only


This is new for me, doing Weight Watchers on-line only versus meetings. I was going to meetings in March and April, but I had to start taking night classes for my job. That made it almost impossible to go to my favorite meeting with my favorite leader. However, even when I had the opportunity to go, I'd find reasons not to. I love their online app and I really believe in the science of their plan.

Although I'm not thrilled about Oprah buying $42 million dollars of their stock and doubling her money in one day when it was announced she was investing in them and becoming their spokesperson. Nothing against Oprah, I'm sure she's a nice person, but this is just wrong. Regardless, I still think they have a good plan. Most of their name brand food is disgusting, but the plan is solid, and it's always worked for me when I followed it.





Commitment to blogging


I'll be posting daily on this blog. Even if it's just a few words with a quick update. This is a commitment to myself to stay focused. It'll help hold myself accountable to me. At the start of 2017 I want to be able to look back on this blog and be happy with myself.

See you tomorrow!

Forgiving myself

This should have posted last Monday because I set it up on a schedule, unfortunately, I never hit the "Publish" button. Since I haven't been back for a week, I didn't even noticed it didn't post. Oh well...here's week old news.

~~~~~

I've been on and off diets since I was 14 years old. I've lost varying amounts of weight each time, from the ten pounds when I was fourteen, 97 pounds when I was forty-three, or 85 pounds I lost when I was fifty-four. I remember each grueling diet, each day being a struggle, and every diet was a hard-fought battle. I also remember each subsequent re-gain of the weight and the depression, embarrassment and self-hate that went with it. 

I'd like to think my weight doesn't define me, but that's simply not true. It controls my life. When I'm fat, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and it shows. I'm not only weak physically, but my personality changes. My ex-spouse told me several times that I change when I gain weight. He said when I was thinner, I was nicer and happier. When I gained weight, it was like I became a different person, and not in a good way. As much as I despise my ex and hate to ever admit he could be right about anything, he had a point. In my defense, it makes sense that when I'm at a healthy weight, my attitude would be better than when I'm extremely overweight. 

Now that I'm older (60 in August), and I hope a little wiser, I feel differently about myself. Instead of hating myself for all my failures at maintaining a weight loss, I'm looking at all the successful weight loss attempts I've had in my life. I lost the weight, which is only part of the battle, but that alone is still a pretty amazing accomplishment.

This time around, I'm not beating myself up if I slip and don't have a perfect day. Well, at least there's not as much self-hate and self-condemnation as in the past when I've slipped. I guess I've finally accepted that I can't be perfect every second of every day. I'm human and I will fail sometimes. 

What I'm attempting to do this time around is when I fail, to not take it as the end of the world and the end of my attempt to lose weight and get healthy. I get right back in the game, and I track EVERYTHING. Even if it was a bad choice and takes me over my daily Points, I track it.  If you've ever attended a Weight Watcher meeting, you've heard this:

The secret is track, track, track. Track every lick, sip or taste. Drink all your water and when you feel up to it make sure you exercise. Take it slowly, one day at a time. 

Those are words to live by, and it's where I am right now. Tracking my food, drinking water and exercise. Although my week hasn't been perfect, it was still a good week. I'm still working on it, working on me. I'm taking it slower this time, I'm not running a race. 

Of course I'd love to be thinner and healthier right now, but that's not how I should play this game. And if I stumble and fall, which I'm sure I will, I'll get back up, brush myself off, and most importantly, I'll forgive myself. I'll move on and not dwell on the failure. I'm in it for the long-haul this time.

Weight Feb. 23, 2015:              235.0

Weight today, May 10, 2015:   216.0

Loss:  19 pounds

I love my new 30-year old doctor!

I had my physical on Friday. I was apprehensive since I had to establish as a new patient with a new doctor. My last doctor, which I adored, moved to a clinic that's an hour and a half drive from my house. My regular clinic is about a 10-minute drive. I decided it just wasn't worth the drive to stick with my old doctor.

There's something to be said about a young doctor (she's 30). She graduated medical school in 2013 and finished her residency in 2014. At first she was a bit standoffish, but that was probably because of the email I had sent her when she canceled my first appointment five weeks ago and rescheduled for last Friday. I wasn't happy, and her response was rather curt. Not a good start for either of us.

Fortunately, after we started chatting, she warmed up to me and me to her. She's pretty cool. She had already read through my entire medical history and knew all about me, which was really nice. She pointed out that two medicines I take now can affect my liver and recommended we change one of them. She listened to my concerns, and answered my questions with very knowledgeable answers. She knows her stuff. She's obviously very smart and was very easy to talk to. In other words, I'm very happy with her. Moral of this story, give the young doctors a chance. They may surprise you.

My diet is going good. Since the pre-diabetic scare from my bloodwork (which my doctor discussed with me at length--and my weight), I'm seriously watching what I eat. I'm tracking my food, trying to stay away from added sugar, which is difficult but not impossible. I bought a blood glucose meter at Walmart. They have a cheap version, but the test sticks are a little pricey. Since I'm not actually diabetic, insurance won't cover any glucose testing supplies. I'm a little surprised how high my glucose is after fasting overnight. It was 117 (the goal is 110 - although the ADA recommends 70 - 130 mg/dl). Before bed it was 98 which is good. I'm not sure why it actually went up so high overnight. It's something I'm monitoring and have no intention of getting full-blown diabetes.

My doctor strongly recommended exercise to get keep the diabetes away (in addition to healthy eating, of course). I can't think of anything that would push me back to the gym on a regular basis more than the threat of diabetes. I wrote a post several months ago, I think it was called A cookie or my foot, or something like that referring to too many sweets and bad eating can lead to losing a body part because of diabetes. That's a reality now, and one I'm taking very seriously.

Today is supposed to be another gorgeous spring day here in the Pacific Northwest. Sunshine and 70 degrees. I love spring. It's my favorite season. It's like waking up from a long, dark, cold dream into bright sunshine and flowers. Happy days!

Happy Friday!

I had every intention of coming back here and posting every day, but it was a rough week! After my bout of pneumonia, I've been a lot weaker and tire very easily. I just don't feel 100% back to myself. Just walking up one flight of stairs at work took everything out of me. Each day I get a little better, so I'm definitely one the mend, but it took a lot more out of me than I realized.

I was off work yesterday and today on planned vacation time. I'm not really on a vacation (I wish!). Yesterday was my company's annual awards banquet where there honor a small number of employees nominated by their peers as outstanding, exceptional employees. My best friend of 20+ years was one of the thirteen people that received the Legend award (from a company of 13,000 employees). I was invited as one of her guests so had the pleasure of an evening at the Four Seasons in downtown Seattle (fancy!). It was very fun, and I was super excited for her. She's an amazing person in general, and I'm so blessed to have her in my life. Of course, it wore me out to the point where I collapsed in bed when I got home at 11pm.

My diet and exercise hasn't been great this week. Mainly because I've just been too tired to care. Just getting through the day is my ultimate goal. I haven't been bad, just not as conscientious as I need to be in order to lose weight.

My weigh-in at Weight Watchers on Monday was great due to being so sick. They even asked me if I'd been sick when they saw my weight loss for the week of 6.8 pounds. I didn't tell them that I was actually down 10 pounds a couple days before but my appetite came back last week. They gave me my 5% charm, for my total loss of 12.4 pounds. I'm sure not winning any races this time around. But it's not a race, it's my life.

I have my annual physical today with my new doctor. I'm not thrilled about this doctor but the choices were rather limited. She just finished her residency last year, and I'm pretty sure she's not even 30. Everyone keeps telling me that's good because she's up to date on the latest treatments and technology. I've already had one encounter with her I didn't like. After waiting for my appointment with her for a month, the soonest she had an opening, she canceled on me for "personal" reasons. Okay, I accept things happen, but I had to wait another five weeks to get another appointment.

This is the thing that really bugged me about this new doctor. I did blood work and she sent me an email that said my numbers were all normal. I looked at them online and disagreed. My fasting glucose was 119. Even I know that's really high. They had also labeled the test "Random Glucose". I emailed her back and told her that wasn't a "random" test, that I had fasted as instructed. I told her I wanted an A1c test. She emailed me back and said I was right, if fasting then it was high and ordered a hemoglobin A1c test. I had the A1c test done, and it came back like this on the results: 6.2 (High). This is pre-diabetic, which is very, very bad. I expected this since I had been on a big sugar, eat whatever I wanted binge for months. I'll be sixty in a couple months. I know you can get away with bad behavior when you're young, but once the age thing catches up to you, you lose your free pass to good health. Now I have to get serious, no excuses!

Today it's back on the high road for me. Tracking food, making good choices, and I think a nice, slow walk is on the schedule too. The sun is out, and it's a beautiful day. Life is good.