And so it begins

I remember when my manager told me my new job responsibilities a few weeks ago, managing a project that would require a lot of traveling. I thought it sounded fun, meeting new people, traveling to new places. Things always sound good to me at first, then the reality hits and it doesn't sound so good anymore.

Case in point. Tomorrow my flight departs Seattle to Oakland at 7:15 a.m. My return flight departs San Jose and I arrive back into Seattle at 7:15 p.m. This makes for a very long day.

Next week it's Miami and Orlando. Sounds fun doesn't it? Think again. Fly into Miami, get a hotel for overnight, visit Miami airport in the morning, fly to Orlando, visit the airport that afternoon and hopefully catch that night's flight back to Seattle. Eleven hours of sitting on an airplane in two days.

Then there's Mexico. My husband isn't thrilled with me traveling to Mexico by myself with all the recent reports of violence. I'll be in the airport most of the time or in the airport hotel where our flight crews stay. I'm sure I'll be safe, but it makes me just a little bit nervous hearing the horror stories on the news.

Good times? I don't really think so. I'm wondering how I'm going to handle eating out and not being able to go to the gym on a regular basis. The whole thing suddenly doesn't sound fun to me anymore. Plus the stress of meeting all these new people. I like people, but really, I like people I know, my friends and my relatives. These people will be total strangers that I'll probably never see again.

I know I shouldn't complain. I have a good job. I should be thrilled to be given this responsibility. Instead, I'm feeling apprehensive and a little scared, on many levels. I guess that old adage of be careful what you wish for really applies here.

Note: I'll miss my weigh in tomorrow night, but plan on going Thursday at noon. So far so good on the food and exercise. If I can just make it through tonight and tomorrow without ruining my week I will be a very happy girl.

Why is running so sexy?

I don't have the answer to that question, but it's true. There's something about running that's very cool and very sexy. I don't know if it's the incredible endorphin rush I get or the fact that I'm pushing my body to it's limits or the sweat that pours off of me when I run (okay, I didn't say I looked sexy, but I feel sexy). Maybe it's the incredible sense of accomplishment when I'm done. Whatever it is, I love running and the feeling I get from it.

When I was running 10-minute miles about two months ago I felt great. I was on top of my game. Then tragedy struck. A knee injury caused by running. It hurt like hell, and I didn't think it would ever heal. Finally, after two months of only doing the elliptical and the cross ramp for my cardio, the pain disappeared about a week ago.

Saturday I tested out my knee by walking at 4 mph and jogging at 5 mph, at two minute intervals for only twenty minutes. I didn't have any pain the next day.

This morning, I pushed myself a little more, by walking two minutes at 4.0 mph and then 18 minutes at 5.0 mph (incline of 1.0). Again, no pain and it almost felt easy. I wasn't even breathing very hard and my heart rate was a constant 134.

Wahoo! I feel like I'm back in the game. I finished up my cardio with 20 minutes on the elliptical and then weights for 40 minutes (including 3 sets of 8 military push ups on the Bosu ball--which pushes my heart rate right up to 138 in about a minute).

I really love running. It makes me feel...well, sexy and cool.

P.S. I can't wait for my weigh in on Wednesday, my new weigh in day. I think it's going to be good! That is, if I don't blow it between now and then (always a possibility with me).

A confession to Tony - the anti-jared

I read Tony's Saturday post and was shocked to see he mentioned my blog as one of his favorites. Some of you may remember the flame war Tony and I had a few months ago. I swore that I'd never mention his name again or read his blog. I quit reading his blog for a few weeks, but found myself wandering over there occasionally. Pretty soon I was a regular reader again. I couldn't stay away.

The thing with Tony is that he can annoy the hell out of me at times, and I can totally disagree with what he says. Then he will post something very moving and inspirational, something that really makes me stop and think. With Tony's blog I always feel something. Sometimes it's annoyance, but more often I'm inspired.

Tony had a post a while back about how easy it would be for him to blow off his 5 a.m. workouts. He said he could blow off one, say he was too tired, then two, and the next thing he'd know he wouldn't be working out at all and he'd gain back his weight. He talked about how he refused to let that happen. I can't tell you how many times since I read that post that I woke up exhausted at 4:45 a.m. and thought of Tony and that post. That has got me out of bed on more mornings than I can count.

Tony sneaks into my thoughts all the time. I'll be doing something weight related, working out or eating something, and I'll think of something Tony said in a post. It'll be something positive and something that helps me.

As hard as it is for me to admit this, Tony has helped me, and I'm sure hundreds of others, more than he'll ever know. So Tony, if you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

It's ugly...+11.6 pounds in five weeks

Weigh in 3/25/2009 :

Current weight: 166.4

Gained: +11.8

Total Lost: 72.8

Pounds to lose to goal: 31.4

I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know it was going to be THAT bad.

Last night's meeting was very different than my normal meeting, it was a smaller group and lower keyed. The person that weighed me was the leader. He was really nice and talked to me for ten minutes about what had happened and how I could get back on track. He also said I was still a superstar with a loss of 72.8 pounds. That made me smile.

After the meeting Phil talked to me again, impressing on me not to give up, that this was just a slight setback. It meant a lot to me that Phil gave me the attention and encouragement that I desperately needed after such a terrible gain.

My plan is very simple. Just do what I did faithfully for the first six months:

1. Track my Points
2. Stay within my daily Point range (20 + 4APs + 5 Flex = 29 Total)
3. Exercise 1 hour a day, 5 or 6 days a week (I've never stopped doing this)
4. Water, lots and lots of water
5. Vitamins
6. Healthy Eight Eating Guidelines
7. Weigh and measure everything I eat
8. ******* Don't miss a Weight Watcher meeting! *******

This isn't rocket science. It's really pretty basic. Any idiot should be able to do it. Even me.

When I got home last night I told my husband about my 11.6 pound gain, and how I was really mad at myself about it. This is what he said:

1. "You don't look any heavier at all."
2. "You've been lifting heavier weights, maybe it's muscle gain."
3. "It's probably water weight. We've eaten out a lot lately and they use a lot of salt."
4. "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Honestly, he said that stuff. Bless his heart. I know the truth. I've been eating too much. Plain and simple.
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As usual, you can read more about the marriage here.

The clouds have parted

Sometimes I go back to a post I've written and think what the hell was wrong me to write such drivel? Yesterday's post was one of those posts. I'm not sure what that pity party was all about but I'm totally over it. Your kind and supportive comments were greatly appreciated, and you helped me realize that my life really isn't all doom and gloom. Some days are just like that I guess, where the smallest annoyances seem monumental.

Today is a much better day. I've made peace with myself for some poor choices I made during the past year (with my therapist's help yesterday). I really do think things happen for a reason, and I think my poor choices have actually made me stronger. Even my marriage, which I thought would be destroyed by what I had done, seems to be stronger and better because of it. I really don't regret anything that's happened. For me to feel this way is huge. I've been packing around a load of guilt for almost a year.

Now for the task at hand. I want to get serious about losing the rest of this weight. I don't even know how much I weigh, I've been too afraid to face the scale, even at home. My clothes still fit, but the roll around my middle feels bigger. I know I've gained a few pounds and the first step is to get back to Weight Watchers.

According to my booklet, my last official weigh in was 2/17. Five weeks ago. A lot of damage can be done in that amount of time. There's a meeting tonight at 6pm. I'll be there for my weigh in. I need to get back on top of my game. Enough screwing around, blaming my emotions and my relationships for my lackadaisical attitude towards my weight loss.

I'll report the damage tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be ugly, but that's the purpose of this blog. The good, the bad and the ugly. Such is my life.

My mood is almost black as the Seattle skies today

Some people will say there she goes again, the drama queen in action. Honestly, I don't want to be like this. I'd give anything to be a normal, even-keeled person, without the highs and lows that are my life. Sometimes I envy the Lexapro induced happiness of my friends. Even though I know it's an artificial state of being, I'm somewhat jealous. I'm just not sure it's worth giving up days like yesterday, when everything was great.

So what happened to my "I'm so happy to be alive" feeling I had yesterday?

1. Yesterday afternoon I exchanged some unpleasant emails with a former friend. It left me with a very bad feeling.


2. I had an argument with my husband almost the minute I walked in the door last night.


3. Dinner wasn't done until 8:30pm (because of #2).


4. I went to bed alone at 9 p.m, angry, hurt and feeling sorry for myself.


5. I drank two glasses of wine last night and went over my Points, again.


6. Woke up late for my workout, and was in a really foul mood.


7. I had a lousy workout this morning, struggled to stay at it for an hour. Everything hurt.


8. The weather sucks again today, cold, dark clouds, and windy.


9. I have my counseling session today, and I'm dreading it. It drains me.


10. I can't figure out how to make Microsoft Project do what I want it to do and my go to person is out for the week. Piece of crap software.


11. I went to Trader Joe's at lunch to buy candy. Yes, I said it, CANDY! I bought fresh strawberries, Fage Greek 0% yogurt and frozen mango instead. I know this should be a good thing but the fact I even thought about buying junk bothers me. I didn't do it but scary just the same.

So that's it, nothing earth shattering happened. Just a serious of unpleasantness. I want that feeling back that I had yesterday, when life was good. I just don't know how to get there.

It's good to be alive

This morning I read Dawn's post from Friday, and it put a smile on my face. The reason was because I had a similar feeling myself this morning. That "it's good to be alive, and I'm loving life at this moment" kind of feeling. It happened at the gym today, at 6:20am. I was twenty minutes into my thirty-minute hill routine on the elliptical, level 14. Across the room my husband was on a treadmill doing his hour-long routine.

I was thinking I had ten more minutes and then I'd be off to the weights to do my upper body strength routine. I love lifting weights, especially for my upper body. I love seeing the muscles in my arms. It gives me a little thrill that I can lift 20-pound dumbells and do military push ups using the Bosu Ball (30 reps today!). That's when it hit me. Life is good. MY life is good. Don't misunderstand me, my life is not perfect. Far from it, but I'm finally feeling like I'm in a good place. I feel like I've been in a dark hole for the last year, living a lie, and hating myself for so many reasons. Now I have so many reasons to be happy, to want to be alive.

The sun was shining when I drove into work this morning. I thought that was very appropriate because I feel like the sun is shining on my soul today.