The lost weekend

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for your incredibly supportive and sweet comments on Thursday's post. I was overwhelmed by your kindness.

I was really worried about posting it, but I felt compelled to get it out in the open. Someone commented the truth shall set you free. So true.

I haven't binged once since I posted "My Secret". I haven't figured out why sharing that information made a difference, but it seems to have opened a door for me. A door that might lead me to freedom from the shackles of my food issues.
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Now about my totally boring weekend....

I'm not sure where the last two days went, but I feel like I didn't even have a weekend.

Yesterday I woke up at 4am with the worst headache of my life. I rarely get headaches but this one felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer and hit me right between the eyes. I was wondering if I had a brain aneurysm or something equally fatal.

I couldn't bear to have the blinds open, a light on, or the TV. I couldn't read because it hurt too much. I took a handful of aspirin (three) and went back to sleep until 2pm. I can't remember the last time I slept that long (maybe never).

Even after I woke up at 2pm I felt like the headache was just on the verge of coming back (I still kind of feel that way). It was like my head was bruised inside, right behind my eyes.

I still managed to get to the gym by 6pm and get in an hour of cardio. That's about the only thing I accomplished Saturday, plus grocery shopping.

Today was another wasted day because my husband insisted I upgrade my laptop to Windows 7. What a fiasco that turned into (darn Microsoft and their stupid software!).

After being on the phone with four different Toshiba support techs (I was using the Toshiba upgrade CD they sent me), I finally found out that in the last two days they've been swamped with calls from people that are getting errors when upgrading to Windows 7. They thought Microsoft had sent out a Windows update that conflicted with their Toshiba Upgrade Assistant CD and it was throwing errors. Nice.

They talked me through the incompatibility issues, and after uninstalling some programs, I finally have Windows 7. They told me iTunes might not work anymore, but it does (thank God!).

All I can say is big whoop. It looks almost like Vista to me, with a couple cool new features (but totally not worth the hassle). My husband said they removed all the crappy code that was in Vista so it'll work better now. I guess the better stuff is stuff I can't see.

I went to the gym at 3pm today and did 30 minutes StairMaster and an hour of lower body strength training. Did I mention how much I hate lunges and squats?

The most exciting, yet disappointing, thing that happened this weekend is I found House Foods Tofu Shirataki noodles at my local Fred Meyers store, in the nutritional section. I was so excited because I've wanted to try these forever. Geez, I just re-read this paragraph...I get excited over tofu noodles?? I think I need to get a life.

Hungry Girl is always talking about how wonderful they are and they're super low calorie, low carb, and low fat. I'm one of those strange people that loves tuna casserole (my husband hates it, even made with real noodles). I made HG's Rockin' tuna noodle casserole with the Shirataki noodles. GROSS! Actually, super gross.

It's not that the noodles taste bad, it's the totally weird, rubbery texture of the noodles. It tastes like tuna casserole, but it doesn't "feel" like tuna casserole.

You get a huge serving for only 3 Points, but I don't know if I can ever get over the texture of the tofu noodles. It's just kind of icky.

Almost forgot, because of the headache I didn't make it to Weight Watchers on Saturday, but I weighed on my very accurate scales at home - 174.6. Up  1.6 pounds. It is what it is.

That's it, my totally boring weekend.

My secret

I may lose a few followers over this post, and some of you may not like me anymore, but here it goes....

I know why I ate like a woman possessed last night. I even knew when it was it was happening why I was doing it.

My best friend knows some things about me that very few people in this world know. They're dark, ugly things. Things I wish had never happened.

About two years ago I met someone online. A man. A funny, witty and charming man that lives in a far away city. Emails were exchanged, online chats started, then there were the phone calls, lots of phone calls. I've never met this person in real life, but I thought I was falling in love with him. It became an online affair.

Some people don't believe having an online relationship is cheating in a marriage, and they think no one will get hurt. If that's what you think, you're wrong on both accounts.

My marriage was going through a rough patch at the time. After almost a year, my husband found out about the other man by reading my emails, but he didn't know the emotional attachment I had establish with this person. We talked about divorce and went to marriage counseling.

I saw a therapist on my own and told her everything. She told me I needed to come clean and tell my best friend and be accountable to her. If I felt like calling the other man, I was suppose to call my best friend. The therapist also told me I have extremely low self-esteem (I really didn't need to pay her $150 an hour to find that out...I already knew.).

A little about my best friend. I've known her for twenty years. She's the kindest, sweetest, funniest and most moral person I've ever known. She's not a prude nor is she judgemental. She's what you would call "good people".

When I'm with her, I can't stop laughing. Last night I laughed so hard I was crying and my jaw hurt. She's a very strong Christian, but she doesn't shove it down my throat. She doesn't just talk the talk, she walks the walk. I've always wished I was more like her. I love her to pieces and consider myself blessed beyond words that she's my best friend.

When I told her my secret about a year ago, she reacted just as I suspected. She was shocked, but kind and supportive. I told her things I haven't told anyone. It was embarrassing, but it was a relief.

The last year I have slowly been trying to pull myself away from the man that I was so totally infatuated with. Because of the emotional attachment on my part, I couldn't just stop cold. I don't blame him or hate him for any of the emotions or feelings I've gone through. It was all my own fault. I pursued him, and he reciprocated. He's not a bad person, and neither am I, but we did some bad things.

The phone calls have stopped completely, as well as the online chatting. The emails are fewer and farther between, and these days they're always initiated by me. I think he's moved on to greener pastures, which is good for both of us.

I often wish I could have amnesia for that part of my life. I wish I could forget. It was against everything I believe in. It hurt my husband, it hurt my best friend and it hurt me. The other man, I don't think he really cared about me or even notices I'm gone. I was a slight diversion from his daily life, that was all.

I'm just starting to get back to being myself, to being a wife to my husband, a friend to my best friend. I've been in a strange, and often scary place for almost two years (my crazy period started in April 2008).

Last night my girlfriend kept saying over and over, "it's so wonderful to have you back! It's like you died and have been resurrected!" She must have said this at least a dozen times at dinner. I know she meant to make me feel happy, to feel loved. Instead I felt embarrassment and shame.

She said it was just like when her sister was addicted to prescription drugs and disappeared out of her life for about a year. Even after her sister went to rehab and kicked her habit, it was about another year before she was back to being her old self.

When my girlfriend kept telling how happy she was that I was back, I kept thinking about where I'd been for so long. My dark secret still haunts me. I still feel bad about it. Last night I ate, and ate, and ate some more. I'm not much of a drinker, and I don't do drugs. I eat.

If you've read this far, you're probably thinking I've totally misrepresented myself the past two years. You're right and you're wrong. Even though I did things I regret, I'm still the same person.

I'm the girl from Alaska that grew up on a homestead in the middle of nowhere. I was brought up in the Baptist church, I know right from wrong. I believe in God and in his divine forgiveness. I had the best parents and best family anyone could be blessed with. I'm married to a man that still loves me in spite of all my flaws.

I'm still the same woman struggling day after day with her weight. Speaking of weight, I feel like one has been lifted off me by sharing this with you, my dear readers, my friends. You know me a lot better now, maybe this explains some of my eating issues. I just hope you don't hate me.

This little piggie went to town

My best friend and I went out tonight to celebrate her birthday with dinner and a movie. I seriously don't know what happened to me, but it was like I checked my brain at the door.

I had the evening planned, exactly what I would eat, where I would eat it, how much and how many Points I would consume. I'd had my normal breakfast and a light lunch. I'd eaten 11 Points so I had plenty left for dinner.

We went to Claim Jumper, my girlfriend's favorite restaurant (and not somewhere I would chose - but it was her birthday - her choice). This is one of those places that serves portions fit for a lumberjack. It's totally ridiculous but that's their trademark, huge, unhealthy, fat laden, high calorie, delicious food.

I looked up the nutritional information and the rotisserie chicken looked like my best choice for 14 Points. I knew it would be half of a chicken, and I would eat half of the half for 7 Points. Then there's the sides, sweet potato without the brown sugar or butter. Roasted vegetables in a ton of oil (no choice here because they're already prepared). I ordered the apple-cinnamon muffin with the intention of taking it home to my husband.

All I can say is I think I went temporarily insane. I ate the entire half chicken, all of the sweet potato which was huge (518 calories!), and I ate the entire muffin. It was gigantic, like three muffins in one and it tasted like coffee cake. The meal came with vegetables roasted in oil, lots of oil. I ate all of them.

After we finished dinner, the waitress brought us TWO giant red velvet cupcakes with at least an inch of frosting, and a lit candle on each one. She said she saw us opening presents so she thought it must be our birthdays.

If you think I turned down a red velvet cupcake you're crazy. I ate it, every last bite. It was on a giant plate covered with little hearts made out of chocolate syrup which I mopped up with the cupcake. Who am I???

It gets even worse. We went to the movie, Leap Year (great movie, loved it!). I bought candy! I never buy candy. It was like I was possessed by a demon. I bought a box of Raisenettes and a box of Milk Duds. My girlfriend couldn't believe I was still hungry, but I didn't feel satisfied. It was so weird. I ate both boxes of candy by myself.

I'm home now and literally feel ill, like I'm going to throw up. It's like there's food stuck in my esophagus. I'm sweating and nauseous and kicking my own butt for being so incredibly stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?

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OH MY GOD! I just added up the calories and fat grams for that meal at Claim Jumper (it should be called Heart Attack Central!) and the candy at the movies.

3,935 calories and 78 grams of fat!!!!!!!

It's all about the attitude

Yesterday I posted about my binging, how I obsess over it. I also mentioned how Velda's post put my problems in perspective.

What really stands out about Velda isn't the fact that her problem is worse than my problem, it's her attitude. Even though her prognosis is grim (4 to 6 months to live), she is still positive and upbeat about her life. She's fighting as hard as she can to live her life to the fullest. She has hope that just maybe she'll beat the odds.

It really is all about our attitude. None of the weight loss experts can help us if we have a bad attitude. If we constantly tell ourselves we're going to fail at losing weight and maintaining the loss, we'll be right.

That's exactly where I've been for the last few weeks. I was feeling like this was just impossible. My binging was getting the best of me.

When I got home last night I decided I wasn't going to obsess about my binging anymore. I had to let go of that thought process. If it happened, it wasn't going to be the end of the world. So I eat late at night, so what? It might mean I won't lose weight, but again, so what?

Last night I talked with my husband. I confessed my late night eating. He had no idea, which kind of surprised me. I told him it was a serious problem, and I didn't know how to fix it. Just sharing it with him was a relief. It's funny how I can tell complete strangers I'm a freak, but I struggle telling my own husband.

We didn't argue, he didn't say I was a bad person or crazy, and he wasn't judgmental. He was kind and understanding. He's never had a real weight issue himself, although he is currently 50 pounds overweight (and he hates it). He knows how hard I struggle, but I know he doesn't really get what I go through since he doesn't have food issues himself.

Afterwards I felt relaxed and not stressed out by the thoughts of binging. I really didn't care what happened. I couldn't keep fighting this thing tooth and nail, and then lose the battle every night. I decided it wouldn't be a battle. I'm not giving up, but I'm not going to war with myself night after night over whether or not I should eat.

I fell asleep early and slept through the night without waking up once during the night. It's been months since I've had a good night's sleep.

My attitude isn't super happy, with rainbows and butterflies, but I'm feeling kind of happy, hopeful. It's more of an attitude that I need to let some things go, things that aren't really that important. Things like binging.
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A shoutout to my dear friend Pamela who is back among the living. I've missed her so much. She was the first person to ever comment on my blog. She's followed me for almost two years and has helped me tremendously.

Now it's my turn to return the favor. Please stop by Pamela's blog and offer her support. She's a wonderful person and she needs help right now.

A funny thing happened on my way to writing this post

I've been taking a break from my blog, stepping back and trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

As I do with most things in my life, I was over-analyzing my binging problem. To the point where I was becoming obsessed by it.

I was posting the same thing every day. I binged, I didn't binge, I wanted to binge, I need to stop binging, I don't know how to stop binging, what is wrong with me?! Over and over I repeated the same words. If I didn't actually post them, they were running through my head.

Then I'd talk a good talk: "I can do this!" "I'm going to do this!" "This will work!"

When truthfully, I'd fallen and couldn't get up. None of my grand schemes worked on me. The more I worried about it, the worse it became.

I had all sorts of theories about the reasons for my binging: my husband doesn't love me enough, my father died when I was 12, I was spoiled by my mother to make up for not having a father, I was use to getting what I wanted, my job is stressful. Or my personal favorite, I have some sort of mental disease, and I'm addicted to food.

I've been mucking about for the last few days, trying to figure out my problem, when this post by a very courageous lady named Velda popped up:

The Climb and Sometimes the Fall, My story of lung cancer that's gone to my head.

I read Velda's post, along with the last few posts that I'd missed.

Then I thought to myself, what the hell am I complaining about? Honest to God, I don't know anymore.

We are not a statistic

I hate reading this weight loss statistic: over 95% of people gain back the weight that they've lost.

I see this statistic everywhere this time of year, in people's blogs, on the Internet, in the e-newsletters I get from various weight loss groups. Even my Weight Watcher leader mentioned it last week.

Everyone quotes this statistic, but I can't find the research to back it up. I just spent 20 minutes Googling it, and although I found the statistic everywhere, I can't find out where it's coming from. My guess is that some research group did some sort of study and came up with it.

This statistic infuriates me for many reasons. First of all, I want to know how they did the research. How did they come up with this number?

Maybe they checked with Diet Center, where I lost 40 pounds in 1978 and quickly gained it all back.

Maybe they checked with NutriSystem and saw in 1992 I lost 50 pounds, and re-gained it.

Did Jenny Craig tell them about the 70 pounds I lost on their plan in 1995 and regained the 70 pounds plus an additional 20 pounds in 1996 (putting me over 200 pounds for the first time in my life)?

Or was it my doctor that told them about the 110 pounds I lost with PhenFen in 1997 and then regained it all in eight months?  

Did Weight Watchers squeal on me, telling them about my first two attempts on their plan, where I lost 30 pounds and then lost 70 pounds, and gained it all back.

I'm not a poster child for weight loss, and maybe in the past I've been part of the 95% that lost the weight and gained it back again.

On the other hand, I have manage to keep off a chunk of weight for over a year. I was 174 August 8, 2008. I'm 173 today, and I'm on my way back down. That's a 66-pound loss kept off for 17 months. Maybe I'm not a total success (still not at goal), but I'm not a failure either.

Secondly, I don't like hearing this 95% statistic because I think it hurts people more than it helps them. It gives people a feeling of hopelessness, of why should I even try if I only have a 5% chance of winning this battle?

I know that feeling because that's exactly how I use to feel. During dark moments I would take that statistic and think I was absolutely doomed. There was no way I could do this if 95% of people couldn't do it either. That is a myth. Of course I can do this.

So why should you keep trying to lose weight when the odds are stacked against you?

1.) I'm not sure that 95% is even a real statistic. Where did it come from? Let's say it was true five years ago, why would it still be true today?

We're smarter now, we have more healthy food options. Weight Watchers is better than it was five years ago. We know how to do this and make it work. We can make it a permanent change.

There are hundreds of bloggers now that can help us and support us through this journey.

It's not the same world it was five years ago.

2.) Do you really have the option of not trying to lose weight? Imagine if you just totally gave up on losing weight. Where would you be in a year? In five years? Not a pretty picture is it?

I know where I'd be in five years if I gave up on trying to lose weight. I'd either be dead or in a wheelchair or trying to be a contestant on the Biggest Loser or signed up for weight loss surgery. None of those options appeal to me.

Don't let this statistic define you. If it's true (and I really doubt it is), fight it. Beat the odds. Why can't you be in the five percent that keeps the weight off forever?

Better yet, what if we all joined together and really do this, maybe we can increase that 5% statistic to 10% or 20% or 30% or maybe even 100% of the people that lose weight do NOT gain back the weight they lost.

We can't change history, but we can sure change the future.

Why yoga?

I'm dead, dog tired tonight. I have no pearls of wisdom for you, I'm empty. I've been sitting here staring at my screen trying to think of something intelligent to say, or even something stupid to say, anything, but I'm just drawing a big, fat blank. It's like I've run out of words.

Why yoga?
I wanted to mention why I was thinking about a yoga class. Not so much for spirituality or chanting to the supreme guru guy (whoever that's suppose to be, I have no idea). I have my own guy I pray to, and he's not some guru in India.

The reason I'm thinking about a yoga class is because I realized last week at the Kundalini yoga that I'm totally out of touch with my body. Even though I didn't like the chanting and weird breathing in Kudalini, there was something kind of cool about actually noticing my body. Paying attention to my breathing, to the stretching, to how it feels to move my body very slowly, to acknowledge my body.

When I hit the gym in the mornings, I hit it hard. I don't stretch to start, I just jump on that StairMaster or a spinning bike and away I go. My intent is to burn as many calories as quickly as possible in 30 minutes. According to my Polar Heart Rate monitor, it's usually around 220 calories for the StairMaster or 300 for the spinning bike. My goal is to get my heart rate up to around 150 and an average of 129. My resting heart rate is 54.

Then I hit the weights, trying to go as heavy as I can manage. Recently I've backed off a little on the size of weights since hurting my right shoulder and left elbow. Today my trapezius feels kind of shredded (thanks to Seated Rows with 67.5 pounds).

I'm still lifting 20-pound dumbbells and using 50-pound barbell for my lunges, but no crazy stuff like the 25-pound dumbbells. I doubt I'll ever work up to the 25-pound dumbbells. I think maybe I'm just not built like a guy and will never lift guy-sized weights.

I rarely stretch afterwards, simply because I don't have time. I'm in a hurry and stretching is a luxury. So that's why the yoga, and that's the only reason. I don't expect it to change my life or make me happy, I thought it might help my balance and make me more limber.

Squat machine
I discovered a cool new machine at my gym today that I had never noticed. It's a squat machine. I hate doing squats (next to lunges) because I have this fear that I'll squat down and not be able to stand back up, or just fall over. It's part of a small, ongoing fear that the old lady (me) that works out with all the young, buff guys is going to embarrass herself one of these days.

The machine is a MaxiCam (one of the big boy toys) and it's called a squat/calf machine. I totally loved it and my buttocks are super sore tonight.

Binging

I guess I need to mention the elephant in the room. The binging. So far so good. Last night was fine even though I slept the sleep of the damned. In other words, I'm not sure I actually even slept last night. Yet I still didn't go crazy with the eating. I had a couple small snacks, but I didn't eat any cheese (even though I know where to find it now). Actually, it's kind of lost it's appeal. It's just cheese, not crack or something.

Strength Training Book

I bought this book at Costco a few months ago and just started using it. I love it and it was only $11.99. I have six other books on strength training but this one is my current favorite. I love that it shows you which muscles you're working, and exactly how to do the exercises. Great book for a beginner or a pro.

Long post for someone out of words.