It wasn't really a dream, more of a nightmare.
Since I've been sleeping a lot more lately I've started dreaming again. Unfortunately, most of my dreams haven't been pleasant. The one I had Friday night has stayed with me through the weekend. I can't seem to let it go.
Usually I dismiss dreams as just that...dreams. They don't really mean anything, just silly junk our brain comes up with while we try to sleep.
This one was different. This one is was disturbingly a reflection of my life.
I was inside of a building, standing on a very narrow ledge along a wall. The ledge was so narrow that only the balls of my feet were on the ledge and I was standing on my tiptoes. I was very high up, and there was a cement floor below me. I knew if I fell I would die.
I was facing the wall with my hands and body pressed flat against the wall. I slowly inched along the narrow ledge sideways. I kept feeling like I was going to fall. When I looked down it was a long way to the floor. I was very frightened. I didn't know how I was going to get down.
Finally, I called for my husband to quickly bring me a ladder. He came with a ladder but he held if about five feet from me. I tried to reach for the ladder but I couldn't reach it. Then I lost my balance. I fell.
I didn't die (obviously), but in my dream when I fell I grabbed onto the very narrow ledge with my fingers. Then as I was hanging from the ledge with my fingers, and my legs were dangling, I realized my feet were almost touching the floor. I could let go and I wouldn't die. I was going to be okay.
This could be a reflection of so many things in my life. My job, my marriage, my weight loss efforts. The failure at any or all of these things will not kill me. It might scare me, but I won't die.
Or the dream could have been about the guy at work that was wearing moccasins last week. He told me they were like slippers. I asked him if they had arch support and he said no. I told him that would kill my feet because I have extremely high arches and had to have arch support in my shoes. He told me I needed to practice standing on a Bosu ball with one foot, barefooted. Just stand there grabbing the ball with my foot. That it would build up my arches. I told him I always fall off of those stupid Bosu balls. Yes, I bet that's what the dream was really all about. :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
It doesn't make it all better
After looking at my stats from last year that I posted yesterday, I started pondering why I just gave up and gained 21 pounds. I was near goal, at least the Weight Watcher goal of 155. At 158 pounds I was so close to goal that I could almost feel it. I remember being happy and proud of myself.
So what happened? Why did I just give up? Don't I want to reach goal? It appears that I don't really care anymore, that I gave up giving it my all and I'm just floating along, staying in the 170's, not really giving my weight loss much attention.
A few weeks ago a friend that I walk with on occasion asked me, "Isn't your life a lot better since you lost so much weight?" My immediate response was "No! It's not." Then I told her some things were better, I can breathe easier and my knees don't hurt. I don't get tired as quickly. I have a little more self-confidence. However, overall, I still have the same problems I had at 240 pounds, and I still had those same problems when I was down to 152 last year.
My job is still a job that I don't exactly look forward to each day, but it is a job. My marital problems are still here. My husband still gets grouchy when he's tired and he's tired a lot. I'm still afraid of the same things, becoming one of the morbidly obese and being homeless. I still don't think I'm smart or pretty. In a nutshell, I'm still the same person just in a healthier body.
My friend was shocked that my weight loss didn't solve all my problems. I was only telling her the truth, even though she's trying to lose a hundred pounds and this was disheartening to hear.
Maybe because I know it won't solve all my problems I've made reaching goal not as important to me as it was last year. I still want to reach goal, but for different reasons now. Now that I know it won't fix everything I need to look at in an entirely different light.
I want to lose weight so I can comfortably wear all the size 10 clothes in my closet. I'm back in a size 12. I want to lose weight so I can remain healthy and continue to be active in my old age. I have no intention of moving into an assisted living home in my 80's. I want to travel and not be in a wheelchair.
The reasons for getting to goal are different now. I know it won't make my job more fun or less stressful. I know it won't make my husband happier or my marriage better. I can't control these things, but I can control me. I can control how I handle things, what I put in my mouth, my health.
I think Sheryl said it best in her post last week when she wrote about her struggles at being at goal. The last few paragraphs really hit home for me.
I suspect this is why so many people gain back all their weight and then some more, just like I've done many times in my life. I expected a different outcome when I lost a lot of weight. I expected life to be wonderful and everyone around me to be as happy for me as I was for myself. It just doesn't work that way.
The bottom line is that reaching goal doesn't make it ALL better. It makes some things better, but a lot of things stay the same or only get slightly better. That's okay, small positive changes in life are still good. I just have to expect less, accept that this isn't really a life-altering event to weight 155 versus 175 or 135 versus 175. My life will still be pretty much the same, just a thinner, healthier version of me.
So it doesn't make it all better, but it's a little better and sometimes, a lot better. That's still a good thing.
An afterthought: After I posted this I realized some people might think that what I'm saying is that losing weight isn't worth it. That since it doesn't fix everything then why bother? That's not what I meant.
It fixes a lot of things, but basically you'll still come out on the other side the same person with a lot of the same problems. Some things will be better, some will go away, and you might even have an entirely new set of problems. It's still a very good thing to lose weight.
The other thing you might think is that I'm seeking compliments when I say I'm not smart or pretty. I know what I am. I'm average intelligence, average looks. It's okay, I've accepted it. Somehow I thought losing weight would make me better in all areas of my life. Obviously, I was wrong on that account, but again, I've accepted it.
So what happened? Why did I just give up? Don't I want to reach goal? It appears that I don't really care anymore, that I gave up giving it my all and I'm just floating along, staying in the 170's, not really giving my weight loss much attention.
A few weeks ago a friend that I walk with on occasion asked me, "Isn't your life a lot better since you lost so much weight?" My immediate response was "No! It's not." Then I told her some things were better, I can breathe easier and my knees don't hurt. I don't get tired as quickly. I have a little more self-confidence. However, overall, I still have the same problems I had at 240 pounds, and I still had those same problems when I was down to 152 last year.
My job is still a job that I don't exactly look forward to each day, but it is a job. My marital problems are still here. My husband still gets grouchy when he's tired and he's tired a lot. I'm still afraid of the same things, becoming one of the morbidly obese and being homeless. I still don't think I'm smart or pretty. In a nutshell, I'm still the same person just in a healthier body.
My friend was shocked that my weight loss didn't solve all my problems. I was only telling her the truth, even though she's trying to lose a hundred pounds and this was disheartening to hear.
Maybe because I know it won't solve all my problems I've made reaching goal not as important to me as it was last year. I still want to reach goal, but for different reasons now. Now that I know it won't fix everything I need to look at in an entirely different light.
I want to lose weight so I can comfortably wear all the size 10 clothes in my closet. I'm back in a size 12. I want to lose weight so I can remain healthy and continue to be active in my old age. I have no intention of moving into an assisted living home in my 80's. I want to travel and not be in a wheelchair.
The reasons for getting to goal are different now. I know it won't make my job more fun or less stressful. I know it won't make my husband happier or my marriage better. I can't control these things, but I can control me. I can control how I handle things, what I put in my mouth, my health.
I think Sheryl said it best in her post last week when she wrote about her struggles at being at goal. The last few paragraphs really hit home for me.
I suspect this is why so many people gain back all their weight and then some more, just like I've done many times in my life. I expected a different outcome when I lost a lot of weight. I expected life to be wonderful and everyone around me to be as happy for me as I was for myself. It just doesn't work that way.
The bottom line is that reaching goal doesn't make it ALL better. It makes some things better, but a lot of things stay the same or only get slightly better. That's okay, small positive changes in life are still good. I just have to expect less, accept that this isn't really a life-altering event to weight 155 versus 175 or 135 versus 175. My life will still be pretty much the same, just a thinner, healthier version of me.
So it doesn't make it all better, but it's a little better and sometimes, a lot better. That's still a good thing.
An afterthought: After I posted this I realized some people might think that what I'm saying is that losing weight isn't worth it. That since it doesn't fix everything then why bother? That's not what I meant.
It fixes a lot of things, but basically you'll still come out on the other side the same person with a lot of the same problems. Some things will be better, some will go away, and you might even have an entirely new set of problems. It's still a very good thing to lose weight.
The other thing you might think is that I'm seeking compliments when I say I'm not smart or pretty. I know what I am. I'm average intelligence, average looks. It's okay, I've accepted it. Somehow I thought losing weight would make me better in all areas of my life. Obviously, I was wrong on that account, but again, I've accepted it.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
It's in the water
In spite of the Halloween candy incident last weekend and the brownies I made one night this week I still had a good weighin today.
About the brownies, well, I had an argument with my husband, he went to bed mad at me. I felt sad so I made brownies, but...I only ate two and put the rest down the garbage disposal. The funny/sad thing is that I don't even really like brownies. Obviously, I still have a long way to go to overcome my emotional eating.
However, even though I wasn't perfect this week, I did a few things right:
In four months I gained 21.6 pounds. I was traveling a lot during that time, but it's been a year. I still haven't lost the weight I gained last fall.
My goals for the remaining eight weeks of 2010:
About the brownies, well, I had an argument with my husband, he went to bed mad at me. I felt sad so I made brownies, but...I only ate two and put the rest down the garbage disposal. The funny/sad thing is that I don't even really like brownies. Obviously, I still have a long way to go to overcome my emotional eating.
However, even though I wasn't perfect this week, I did a few things right:
- I ate good, healthy food 90% of the time, in moderate portions.
- I tracked my food four of the seven days.
- I drank a LOT of water thanks to this guy. This really helped.
- I worked out like a maniac seven days in a row.
- I slept eight to nine hours a night. <---this one is amazing for me.
Weight today, November 6:
174.6
Week loss:
-3.6
Total loss:
-64.6
There are eight weeks left in 2010. The holidays. The weeks where people skip their Weight Watcher meeting, and indulge at the parties.
Check out my stats from last year, around this time:
In four months I gained 21.6 pounds. I was traveling a lot during that time, but it's been a year. I still haven't lost the weight I gained last fall.
My goals for the remaining eight weeks of 2010:
- Don't skip Weight Watcher meetings!
- Track my food seven days a week, aiming for 25 Points/day.
- Continue with my seven days a week workouts. Thirty minutes cardio, forty minutes strength.
- Water, tons and tons of water. I haven't caluclated exactly how much I need to be drinking, but currently I'm at 104 ounces of pure water a day (not counting tea, coffee, milk...I don't drink soda).
- Aim for a 1.5 pound/week loss. Eight weeks, 12 pounds.
- January 1, 2011 goal weight: 162.6
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
It's going to be a good day
I've been up since 3 a.m. checking on my software release. Everything looks good. It went out to all locations (120+) at 2:33 a.m. I completed a couple very basic smoke tests on two machines in two cities and I think it's going to be okay. Hallelujah!
It's 4:30 a.m. now so I guess it's off to the gym. Honestly, I'm so tired I could easily go back to sleep but I need to leave work early today so I can work on my Toastmaster speech for tomorrow. Ugh! The title is "The Fountain of Youth" and it's about the importance of exercise to the slow down the aging process.
I'm going to make a room of 20 people listen to me praise the benefits of exercise for seven minutes. They're a trapped audience and have to listen. Did I ever mention how much I hate public speaking? I'm getting better and Toastmasters is a huge help, but it's not something I would normally volunteer to do for fun. It's one of those things that if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger.
Oddly, I'm starving this morning. Normally I don't eat before my workout but I feel like I'm running on zero energy this morning and my stomach is actually growling at me. I didn't have any snacks late last night other than a small Honeycrisp apple at 8pm, and I stayed within my 21 Points yesterday (not easy!). I'm cutting back on eating my earned exercise Points, especially since my candy lapse on Sunday.
I'm also trying to cut back on junk, aka "diet" ice cream and frozen fruit bars. Since I have difficulty eating just one of anything that I think tastes good, I've stopped buying them. Even though the frozen fruit bars are only 70 calories each, if I eat three in one sitting that's 210 calories and a lot of sugar. So they're not on the list anymore.
On Dawn's recommendation I bought a box of sugar-free fudgsicles. There's not much chance I'd eat more than one of those at a time, or two at the absolute max. They're 40 calories each and not exactly what I would call delicious, but they're better than nothing if you're really dying for a junk food sort of treat. Last night I actually decided I'd prefer an organic apple over the fudgesicles. An interesting concept. Something wholesome and healthy over something artificial (although sometimes, I'd pick the artificial treat).
I really have to get to the gym now and stop stalling. Row machine for 20, Stair Master for 20 and upper body weights for 40. Fun times.
It's 4:30 a.m. now so I guess it's off to the gym. Honestly, I'm so tired I could easily go back to sleep but I need to leave work early today so I can work on my Toastmaster speech for tomorrow. Ugh! The title is "The Fountain of Youth" and it's about the importance of exercise to the slow down the aging process.
I'm going to make a room of 20 people listen to me praise the benefits of exercise for seven minutes. They're a trapped audience and have to listen. Did I ever mention how much I hate public speaking? I'm getting better and Toastmasters is a huge help, but it's not something I would normally volunteer to do for fun. It's one of those things that if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger.
Oddly, I'm starving this morning. Normally I don't eat before my workout but I feel like I'm running on zero energy this morning and my stomach is actually growling at me. I didn't have any snacks late last night other than a small Honeycrisp apple at 8pm, and I stayed within my 21 Points yesterday (not easy!). I'm cutting back on eating my earned exercise Points, especially since my candy lapse on Sunday.
I'm also trying to cut back on junk, aka "diet" ice cream and frozen fruit bars. Since I have difficulty eating just one of anything that I think tastes good, I've stopped buying them. Even though the frozen fruit bars are only 70 calories each, if I eat three in one sitting that's 210 calories and a lot of sugar. So they're not on the list anymore.
On Dawn's recommendation I bought a box of sugar-free fudgsicles. There's not much chance I'd eat more than one of those at a time, or two at the absolute max. They're 40 calories each and not exactly what I would call delicious, but they're better than nothing if you're really dying for a junk food sort of treat. Last night I actually decided I'd prefer an organic apple over the fudgesicles. An interesting concept. Something wholesome and healthy over something artificial (although sometimes, I'd pick the artificial treat).
I really have to get to the gym now and stop stalling. Row machine for 20, Stair Master for 20 and upper body weights for 40. Fun times.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Yes, she's a little bit crazy
Lately I've been a little bit nuts in my postings. I'm here, there and everywhere on how I'm trying to lose weight. One week I'm quitting Weight Watchers and Geneen Roth is my magic bullet. The next week I'm back at Weight Watchers, then I'm doing Geneen Roth's plan and Weight Watchers, then I'm binging. If you're wondering what the hell I'm doing, well, get in line because I'm not sure myself anymore.
The only thing I know is that I'm not giving up. If it's not working for me, I'll try something else and I'll keep trying different things until I get this figured out.
Now a word about therapy for people that have food issues. Obviously, I have issues. Anyone that gains 100 pounds and doesn't have a medical reason for the gain, most likely has some mental issues that contributed to the weight gain.
I remember the very first time someone told me I needed to go to therapy for my issues with food. It was in 1992, the person was my Jenny Craig "counselor". After going from 192 to 135 pounds, and still wanting to lose another ten pounds, I lost control one week and ate six bananas in one sitting. I don't know much about the program these days, but in 1992 you were only allowed one or two bananas a week, maximum.
I had a few more encounters with food similar to the banana incident over a period of several weeks. When I told my very thin Jenny Craig counselor about my binges, she was appalled. I think she'd lost 25 pounds on Jenny Craig before she was qualified to become a "counselor". She told me there wasn't anything she could do to help me, that I was wasting my money at Jenny Craig, and I needed to go into therapy.
She was right, but at this point in my life, I'm just not willing to spend the time and effort for therapy. Perhaps that's a bad idea, but it's where I am right now.
The food and exercise
Today was a very good food day. I forgot to take the leftover candy to work, but I put it in the trunk of my car tonight, and I feel safe. Crazy isn't it? That I feel "safe" from food. It's not like it's going to attack me.
My workout was great today, I love that old slider rowing machine. I did my thirty minutes on the crossramp and then fifteen minutes rowing. I found some videos on how to use the rowing machine (and if your back hurts, you're doing it wrong).
There are several great instructional videos available on YouTube. It turns out it's a good upper body workout, as well as good for your core. It's not really meant to get your heart rate up high (although it does if you do it too fast), it's more to strengthen your upper body. Who knew? I was doing it super fast to burn calories, but after watching the videos I'm going to slow it down a bit for more strengthening.
Now the crazy lady is going to bed. Tomorrow at 2am is out big software release to production. I'm not expecting good things. I hope I'm wrong.
The only thing I know is that I'm not giving up. If it's not working for me, I'll try something else and I'll keep trying different things until I get this figured out.
Now a word about therapy for people that have food issues. Obviously, I have issues. Anyone that gains 100 pounds and doesn't have a medical reason for the gain, most likely has some mental issues that contributed to the weight gain.
I remember the very first time someone told me I needed to go to therapy for my issues with food. It was in 1992, the person was my Jenny Craig "counselor". After going from 192 to 135 pounds, and still wanting to lose another ten pounds, I lost control one week and ate six bananas in one sitting. I don't know much about the program these days, but in 1992 you were only allowed one or two bananas a week, maximum.
I had a few more encounters with food similar to the banana incident over a period of several weeks. When I told my very thin Jenny Craig counselor about my binges, she was appalled. I think she'd lost 25 pounds on Jenny Craig before she was qualified to become a "counselor". She told me there wasn't anything she could do to help me, that I was wasting my money at Jenny Craig, and I needed to go into therapy.
She was right, but at this point in my life, I'm just not willing to spend the time and effort for therapy. Perhaps that's a bad idea, but it's where I am right now.
The food and exercise
Today was a very good food day. I forgot to take the leftover candy to work, but I put it in the trunk of my car tonight, and I feel safe. Crazy isn't it? That I feel "safe" from food. It's not like it's going to attack me.
My workout was great today, I love that old slider rowing machine. I did my thirty minutes on the crossramp and then fifteen minutes rowing. I found some videos on how to use the rowing machine (and if your back hurts, you're doing it wrong).
There are several great instructional videos available on YouTube. It turns out it's a good upper body workout, as well as good for your core. It's not really meant to get your heart rate up high (although it does if you do it too fast), it's more to strengthen your upper body. Who knew? I was doing it super fast to burn calories, but after watching the videos I'm going to slow it down a bit for more strengthening.
Now the crazy lady is going to bed. Tomorrow at 2am is out big software release to production. I'm not expecting good things. I hope I'm wrong.
Weighin update after the candy lapse
I couldn't help myself this morning, I had to see how much damage I did last night with those candy bars I ate. At 80 calories each, I ate six, that's about 500 calories over what I should have eaten yesterday (or about 10+ Points, and that's not even looking at the fat grams).
Well, I had a big scale surprise. I weigh 174.2, with my workout clothes on (same clothing as when I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Saturday at 178.2). That's on my home Tanita scales that are always right on with the Weight Watcher scales. What the heck! A four-pound loss in two days???
Maybe it was the good eating all weekend with the exception of the candy, or the gallons of water I drank (thanks to Allan for the constant reminder of the importance of water), or perhaps the three-hour intense exercise at the gym over the weekend. I'm not sure of the reason, but I'm thrilled the candy didn't totally derail me. Seeing a four-pound loss has actually inspired me to keep on track and keep going. A mid-week weighin isn't always a bad thing.
A little friendly competition
I have a confession. I've been following Lyn, Escape from Obesity, for at least two years (maybe longer). When she started on MediFast I weighed what I weigh now.
I thought I must get to goal before Lyn to prove this can be done without using drastic measures such as reducing your calories to 800-900 a day on an expensive, pre-packaged food program. You can do this eating healthy, natural food and doing exercise. Well, Lyn kept losing weight, and I was up and down the same five pounds...for the last several months. I watched Lyn get closer and closer to my weight.
Guess what? Lyn and I now weigh exactly the same (and we're the same height but I think she looks a lot skinnier :).
Now I'm thrilled for Lyn. No one deserves this more than she does. She's done a lot of work on her mental attitude, how she views food, how she views herself. Just because she's doing MediFast doesn't mean this was easy for her. I've done several of the pre-package food programs (with the exception of MF), and I know it's still hard work. Lyn is one of my heroes, and I admire what she's done. I don't put any less significance on it because she used the MediFast program, just like I don't put any less significance on someone that has had weight loss surgery. It's still incredibly difficult to lose weight, regardless of the path you chose.
On the other hand, I still feel like I have to prove something. That this can be done naturally, without spending a ton of money on a pre-packaged food program. So Lyn, if you're reading this, the race is on! I know you're losing 2-3 pounds per week, and I'm not sure I can keep up with that pace, but I'm going to give it my best shot.
Well, I had a big scale surprise. I weigh 174.2, with my workout clothes on (same clothing as when I weighed in at Weight Watchers on Saturday at 178.2). That's on my home Tanita scales that are always right on with the Weight Watcher scales. What the heck! A four-pound loss in two days???
Maybe it was the good eating all weekend with the exception of the candy, or the gallons of water I drank (thanks to Allan for the constant reminder of the importance of water), or perhaps the three-hour intense exercise at the gym over the weekend. I'm not sure of the reason, but I'm thrilled the candy didn't totally derail me. Seeing a four-pound loss has actually inspired me to keep on track and keep going. A mid-week weighin isn't always a bad thing.
A little friendly competition
I have a confession. I've been following Lyn, Escape from Obesity, for at least two years (maybe longer). When she started on MediFast I weighed what I weigh now.
I thought I must get to goal before Lyn to prove this can be done without using drastic measures such as reducing your calories to 800-900 a day on an expensive, pre-packaged food program. You can do this eating healthy, natural food and doing exercise. Well, Lyn kept losing weight, and I was up and down the same five pounds...for the last several months. I watched Lyn get closer and closer to my weight.
Guess what? Lyn and I now weigh exactly the same (and we're the same height but I think she looks a lot skinnier :).
Now I'm thrilled for Lyn. No one deserves this more than she does. She's done a lot of work on her mental attitude, how she views food, how she views herself. Just because she's doing MediFast doesn't mean this was easy for her. I've done several of the pre-package food programs (with the exception of MF), and I know it's still hard work. Lyn is one of my heroes, and I admire what she's done. I don't put any less significance on it because she used the MediFast program, just like I don't put any less significance on someone that has had weight loss surgery. It's still incredibly difficult to lose weight, regardless of the path you chose.
On the other hand, I still feel like I have to prove something. That this can be done naturally, without spending a ton of money on a pre-packaged food program. So Lyn, if you're reading this, the race is on! I know you're losing 2-3 pounds per week, and I'm not sure I can keep up with that pace, but I'm going to give it my best shot.
Candy monster and polka dots
First of all, I don't think I can live with this polka dot look. It's making me dizzy, especially on my big 25 inch monitor I use for work (yes, I was just working on some work stuff and yes it's 5am). It's not bad on my laptop, but yikes, in big, giant living color, all these dots make me feel kind of sick.
About the candy, even though we had about 40 kids last night, and I had them taking handfuls of candy because honestly, I wanted to run out of candy and turn off the lights and rip off that ridiculous wig...we still wound up with a bag of 150 pieces of candy. The good stuff.
Right before I went to bed I grabbed a handful, a mixture of six bars, Twix, Almond Joys and Milk Ways, and I ate them. Oh well. A little lapse.The candy is going to work today, to the communal kitchen we all share on my floor. It will most likely be gone by noon. :)
I'm just about ready to pull on my workout clothes and head out to the gym. I think I'll do the StairMaster today and a good upper body workout, probably an hour and twenty minutes, which seems to be my normal to get in 30 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of strength training.
Happy Monday everyone (and thank goodness Halloween is over!). Now we have Thanksgiving to face. Tis the season of food holidays.
About the candy, even though we had about 40 kids last night, and I had them taking handfuls of candy because honestly, I wanted to run out of candy and turn off the lights and rip off that ridiculous wig...we still wound up with a bag of 150 pieces of candy. The good stuff.
Right before I went to bed I grabbed a handful, a mixture of six bars, Twix, Almond Joys and Milk Ways, and I ate them. Oh well. A little lapse.The candy is going to work today, to the communal kitchen we all share on my floor. It will most likely be gone by noon. :)
I'm just about ready to pull on my workout clothes and head out to the gym. I think I'll do the StairMaster today and a good upper body workout, probably an hour and twenty minutes, which seems to be my normal to get in 30 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of strength training.
Happy Monday everyone (and thank goodness Halloween is over!). Now we have Thanksgiving to face. Tis the season of food holidays.
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