Life is good!

Yesterday was a very bad day. From the start to the end, then my doctor called me and everything was suddenly much better.

A recap of my day from hell:

1. My commute to work is usually 20 minutes. It was over an hour. There was a 10-mile backup on the freeway on my way to work. My I5 commute is 10 miles, and yes, the backup was my entire 10 miles.

2. When I finally got to work I was informed there was a bad bug in our beta software that was in two stations. It was my bug. I skipped a couple meetings to work on it. Luckily it was an easy fix, but a stupid mistake on my part. It got past me and the testers but was found in the field after a week of beta.

3. My project manager informed me that my estimate for a hideous project I've been assigned is too large. I need to cut it back. I've never been asked to do this before so it was kind of a shock. My estimates are usually right on the mark so I have no idea how I can squeeze six months of work into four. Especially when the requirements aren't even done so there a many unknowns.

3. I found out from my accountant that filing my taxes is going to be difficult. Filing "married, filing separately", in a community property state, when you're not speaking to your spouse because of a restraining order, makes it hard. Involves a tax accountant and attorneys.

4. I bounced a check at my credit union. It didn't really bounce but I received a nasty note from my credit union that although the money was in my savings I had exceeded the six transfers allowed per month from savings to checking. They paid it but charged me $25 NSF fee (!). This is a tiny little credit union through my company. They are my temporary bank so I could my check deposited somewhere besides our old joint checking account. My check goes into savings, a mistake I made when I set up the direct deposit. I tried to change it last night and the system locked me out and said I couldn't make any changes to my direct deposit. So now my check is set to be deposited no where and tomorrow is payday (!).

5. The CT scan. Drinking the barium and getting shot with dye wasn't bad. The barium is gross and I gagged a little but I got down the two bottles. Then the incredible pain started. I really thought I was going to die. After the CT scan I came home and went to bed, in the fetal position. I was in tears from the pain. It finally subsided after a few hours and a lot ibuprofen and several trips to the bathroom.

6. My niece's husband called me around 6pm. This is the niece that's suppose to come down from Alaska on Easter to see her mother (my sister). It would be the first time she's seen her mom since I moved her down here January 2012. Her husband told me my niece had tried to commit suicide that morning by taking a bottle of Tylenol and a bottle of aspirin. 250 pills. Luckily when he found her past out ont he couch when he came home from work, he rushed her to the ER. He said she was incoherent and throwing up. The good news is that she'll be okay. She was in the psych ward about three weeks ago for a week stay, and tried to check herself in again last week but they sent her home. As soon as she's out of ICU they'll put her in the psych ward again. I truly don't understand depression and suicide, but I know she must be in terrible pain to do something like this. This is about her twelfth attempt in the last fifteen years.

Now for the GOOD news (yes, there's really good news from yesterday). My doctor called me about 7:30pm. Of course that scared me because the clinic closes at 5pm. They know what's wrong with me and it's not terrible, and is totally fixable. I have an 8.5 centimeter uterine fibroid (3 1/2")--this is probably why I feel like my insides are going to fall out. I wrote down "abnormal" next to it in my notes but I don't remember why. I also have an ovarian cyst on my right ovary. That's where the pain is the most intense when a  pain episode starts (and they're happening more often now and more intense). My doctor referred me to an OB/GYN doctor who will be calling me today. She said I'll probably need a hysterectomy, but they'll discuss that with me more. I'm just thrilled to know what has been causing the pain and that it can be fixed. No signs of cancer and mostly likely the cyst isn't cancerous and fibroids are never cancerous.

So even though it was a hell of a day, it ended on a very good note. I'm so happy that it wasn't all in my head and that it can be fixed. Life is good!

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

I fought like hell to get my blog back up, then I don't post anything for almost a month. I've been busy, but not that busy!

I don't feel like I have anything exciting or interesting to talk about in regards to weight loss or exercise. My weight went up to 206 even thought I've been going to Weight Watcher meetings consistently. The problem is that I haven't been "doing" Weight Watchers. Just paying the monthly fee and sitting through the meetings isn't enough. My best friend has been going with me and in the same time we've been going regularly (about eight weeks), she's lost 13 pounds. I could kick myself for not getting on plan. Every day I say I will, every day I don't. Same old story.

Same with the gym, I was going on a regular basis but then got too busy. I had a great workout on Saturday, but that was my last workout.

In my defense, as lame as it is, I'm having some sort of health problem. According to Google, my symptoms indicate a bladder infection or ovarian cancer. I know what you're thinking, stop looking up my symptoms on Google. Unfortunately, I'm very high risk for ovarian cancer. Age, postmenopausal, obesity (increases risk by 50%), reproductive history (never had kids - makes me a big risk), family history -- we're pretty sure my mom died from ovarian cancer, per her doctor, but they never ran any tests. He said since she was so old - 86 - and she was going to die anyway they didn't want to bother with doing any tests. Wish I'd forced the issue on that one.

My doctor ruled out a bladder infection based on the urinalysis. Now she wants me to do blood work and get a CT scan. That was on Monday. Monday night I felt a lot better and thought it was a waste of money to get the extra tests done. Last night I thought I was dying so I'm calling today to schedule the CT scan. I'll get the blood work done too. It's better to try to find out what's wrong. I had an episode of the same kind of pain in January but it went away. Now it's back with a vengeance, with the pain much more intense this time.

Okay, enough about my health. Want to hear how the divorce is going? Probably the worse divorce I've witnessed. I had to go to court last week on something trivial for another hearing. It's crazy because each time we have to go to court, it costs me a big chunk of money (I have to go with my attorney). I won't go into details about what my husband wanted, but the judge ruled in my favor.

The bills are astronomical since I'm paying for everything, including his health and auto insurance (which annoys me, ordered by the court since he's still not working).

His criminal trial is scheduled for June 11. Really dreading it since I have to testify. My best friend will be there with me. It'll be a jury trial with witnesses (there weren't any witnesses so not sure what they're talking about - except the police were there). I've already read about 30 pages of lies my husband has written about me and submitted in court. Some pretty amazing works of fiction, which I believe is considered perjury.  The divorce trial is still scheduled November 3.

I wish this year was over. I want it to be 2014.

My sister is doing well. I took her to lunch and for her hair appointment on Sunday. She seems to be happy. She continues to try to talk, and talks up a storm. Watching her try to tell the stylist how she wanted her hair done was rather comical. I always tell the stylist what she wants and usually my sister doesn't try to say anything. On Sunday she started chatting up a storm witht he stylist. I was sitting across the room and watched for about a minute. The stylist knows my sister had a stroke, but it was the first time my sister tried to talk to her. I thought I'd better rescue the stylist and went over to try and figure out what my sister was saying. We finally figured out she wanted her bangs cut short (we think that's what she wanted). My sister is talking more than ever, but it just doesn't make any sense. She can say "okay", "yeah" and "alright". That's the extent of her vocabulary that's understandable. I keep hoping that someday she'll say more words I can understand.

My niece is coming for a visit over Easter to see her mother (my sister). I told my sister and she shook her head no, over and over, and then cried non-stop for ten mintues. I finally told her that maybe she wouldn't come and to not worry about it so much and she finally stopped crying. This is my good niece, my sister's favorite child. She has a lot of mental issues, but she's very kind and sweet. She's on bipolar meds, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic meds, as well as a couple meds for depression. She checked herself into the hospital about a month ago and was admitted to the psych ward for a week. Then last week she went back to the hospital but they called her husband to come get her. She's 48 and a mess. Her husband called Friday and said she's not coming down. She call Sunday and said she is coming down. I'd prefer she wait until she's got her head on straight, but doubt that will ever happen.

After reading this, I can see why I haven't posted for the last month. A rather sad and pathetic story. Oh well, it's my life right now.  I'm still standing, still going to work every day. I still have amazing and wonderful friends, and my faith in God. It's all good. I'll get through this period. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?

Sunday Update

I'm running a bit late this morning, but now that I have my blog back I'm committed to posting on a daily basis again. I also intend to get back to reading my favorite blogs and leaving comments. Just like the old days.

Yesterday was a bust as far as exercise and journaling my food. I spent twelve solid hours on the computer trying to finish the annual report for the Alaska court for he guardianship and conservatorship of my sister. I forgot just how much of mess last year's financial piece was for her. Selling the house, selling her apartment complex, the two auctions for her personal belongings and one for the farm equipment, along with numerous other financial dealings I handled for her. I forgot what a hell of a year it was after her stroke. I finally got it all in Quicken after twelve hours but the numbers came up wrong so I still have more work to do on it.

I was anxious and upset all day yesterday and couldn't figure out why. About 9 p.m. I burst into tears. It finally occurred to me what was wrong. All the horrible stuff I went through with my sister last year came back to me full force. It was like I was reliving last year as I documented each transaction. Things I totally forgot about hit me full force. As well as how miserable things were at home with my husband as I tried to deal with my sister's post-stroke life.

There was dealing with my sister after she had her a severe stroke from which she never recovered. Her depression and wanting to die. The doctors that offered no hope. Her crazy daughter (my niece) and the restraining order against her. All the legal dealings with lawyers in Alaska and lawyers down here, going to court for the guardianship and conservatorship, evicting my other niece and grandniece from the apartment complex. My niece was fifty and my grandniece was in her mid-thirties, neither worked, two apartments and they wouldn't move out after I sold the complex which resulted in another court appearance or the sale wouldn't go through. The two years of back taxes ($10,000) my sister had to pay, and the fear that she would be homeless if I messed up her financial situation. It was miserable reliving all of that but at least the report is almost done. A good helped too.

Speaking of my sister, there's been no change in the last six months or so. She still can't speak or use her right side. She actually does speak, but it's gibberish. She can nod yes and no, but sometimes gets those mixed up. She acts like she can read, but I'm not sure. She always has a book with her and I take her National Geographic which she gets excited over, but I have no way of knowing if she can actually read. She's really good at jigsaw puzzles. We go to the movies and dinner on Sundays and she seems to enjoy doing both. Her health is still good and she seems content in her life. Not happy exactly, but content.

I've got to get going, get ready for work. I'm going to spin class tonight with some people from work. I'm excited about using my new gel bike seat. A gal at work bought one but never used it so sold it to me for half price. It's suppose to make a world of difference. We'll see. I'm not thrilled with my spin shoes. It seems like it makes it a lot harder. I guess that's the point, but spin cylcing is hard enough without making it harder.

I'll be back tomorrow!

I'm back - I was shut down by Blogger as SPAM

Blogger took down my blog as SPAM. I had too many anonymous comments that were SPAM and their automated system thought this was a SPAM blog. It took a little work to get it back up but I finally figured out how to do it. Once I figure out how, got the required information submitted, the appeal team immediately put it back up. Whew! I missed you guys. I've had to turn on moderated comments because I have to keep those spammer anonymous comments from posting or I could be taken down again.

A lot has happened the last few months. Most important is that I re-joined Weight Watchers again in mid-December. I've only lost 12.6 pounds which means I've made my 5%. This isn't setting any records but at least it's a start. Down to 205.

I went to my Weight Watcher meeting yesterday and found out my leader is retiring. I actually cried. She's the best Weight Watcher leader in the world. I found out why she's quitting. It's because she makes her meetings unique and they want her to conform to their standard. Her meetings are always packed and she has three of them on Saturdays where it's almost standing room only. I think Weight Watchers should conform to her, but not everyone can be like her. She's vivacious, hysterically funny, and extremely compassionate. She's a jewel. This is her last week and next Saturday my meeting will be her last meeting. It's very sad, but my girlfriend and I agreed we'd keep going to meetings and try to find someone we like.

I'm back at the gym and have been for several weeks. I had to take off last week because I came down with a horrible cold that knocked me flat for a solid four days. I went back to the gym yesterday and had a good workout. It felt good to move again after spending almost an entire 48 hours in bed.

The criminal trial for my husband's assault against me is tentatively set for March 5, but most likely will be delayed. I won't know for sure until Tuesday when there's a hearing with the prosecutor and my husband's defense attorney. The divorce trial isn't until November 3. Almost a year from when I filed. Long story on that one, but it's a very messy divorce. One thing that is really positvie about all of this is that I love living alone. The late night eating has completely halted as well as my obsessive TV watching. It seems to have somehow been tied to my incredibly bad marriage.

That's about it. I guess not that much has happened. It seems like every day when I couldn't blog, I would think, 'oh, I need to blog about that!', but I couldn't. Now that I can, I'm drawing a big, fat blank. I just wanted to let you all know I'm back.

Spam Alert: I just went back and looked at my old posts. Wow! I got hit hard by spammers. Almost every post had 200 to 500 comments. Spam comments. When I turned on moderation you can't see any of the old comments, not even the few valid ones, but that's better than seeing hundreds of spam comments. I won't go back and clean them up. Too many. I'll just leave them not visible. It's no wonder Blogger shut me down. I don't blame them. I didn't even realize this had happened since the spammer systems were hitting on old posts, never the current day's post, so I didn't even notice it. This is something everyone needs to be aware of. Check your old posts to make sure those spammer creeps aren't hitting you. Turn on comment moderation if you have to. If you get shut down, email me and I'll give you the link to get help. It wasn't easy for me to find it so I suspect others might have a problem with it too. I mistakenly thought I just needed to hit the restore blog button and all would be good. It's not quite that easy, but it is easy once you know where to go for help.

What a difference an hour made

I went to spinning class and stayed for the entire hour. . I was sure I was going to have a heart attack and die on the spot!

It was really hard, but the instructor was awesome. She kept saying things like "if you don't challenge yourself, you won't make a difference in your body". Almost every song she played is on my current iPod playlist, so the music was great.

I love my new cycling shoes with the SPD cleats. I got to class early and the instructor showed me how to attach my shoes to the pedals. The first few tries was a lot harder than it looked in the video, but it's really easy once you do it a few times. I think it really does make a difference in how I worked my leg muscles. When I got home, a six-minute drive, I could barely get out of the car.

My attitude did a 180 after the class. It's true about the endorphins. I walked out of the gym and into the warm sunshine, with a slight breeze, and thought...LIFE IS GOOD!

There's sadness all around me right now, but that's life. Into every life a little rain must fall, right?  I've certainly had my share of sadness this past year, but we all do. No one has a perfect life. It just makes me appreciate the good things even more.

Regarding my weight, I don't even know what it is right now. I haven't weighed in a week, but I'm sure I'm up several pounds. This past week was harder than most. I didn't exercise or eat right last week, but starting this morning I'm back on track.

Life is hard sometimes, no doubt about it.

I found the fat people

The fat people were grocery shopping this afternoon at my local supermarket. In fact, we looked like we were at a fat people convention.

I went straight from the gym to the grocery store (and yes, I was a hot, sweaty and very unattractive mess...more on that later). I don't remember the last time I shopped on a Saturday afternoon. There were a lot of extremely overweight people there today, and my heart broke a little for each and every one of them. I know first-hand how much this hurts, physically and mentally.

I'd guess the average BMI was 40+. There were a lot of people that appeared to be 250 to 300 pounds (and they weren't seven feet tall!). I'm a pretty good judge of weight. I'm 213 pounds, 5' 6", and I was probably one of the thinner of the fat people.

I really try not to pass judgement on overweight people for buying junk food:  a.) it's none of my business and b.) I've been there. Yet, I couldn't help  myself as I peeked into their grocery baskets. I didn't see anyone even attempting to eat healthy. Mostly processed foods, frozen or canned, and a lot of chips, bakery goods, cookies and candy, and similar unhealthy choices. I wonder how many times someone has looked at my food choices and thought 'oh my goodness, she shouldn't be eating that food...she's already too fat!'.

In an odd way, it actually helped me make really healthy choices. First of all, I'd just come from the gym which is the absolute best time for me to shop for food. When I've just worked out really hard and had a great workout, I truly have no desire to eat junk. Today I was thinking maybe that's the only time I should go grocery shopping, after a workout. Then I saw so many people in my situation, struggling with obesity, it just reinforced what I was already feeling about food. Make healthy choices.

About the gym
I posted a few days ago about how much I dislike my gym, L.A. Fitness. It's filled with young, healthy people. Now, I have nothing against being young or being healthy. I was just having a problem with being the oldest, most unfit person at my gym. The close quarters of the free weights area, filled with young, muscular men, was the most annoying aspect of it. I love working out with free weights, but I was really feeling intimidated by the men.

I found a solution! Today I did most of my free weights in the group class area that was empty. It's a huge room, mirrors on three sides, high ceiling and cooler (temperature) than the rest of the gym. Someone had left a set of 15-pound dumbbells and a 25-pound plate weight. Perfect for three of my upper body exercises. Then I used the 8-pound weights for some deltoids exercises, add in three machines for lats and delts, and I had a great weight workout. I was the only person in there, except for one young woman that came in and did some crunches. I checked the class schedule and there aren't any classes in there Monday, Wednesday and Friday until 8:30am. Perfect!

Of course, there are some bench free weight exercises I still need to do, so I'll have fight for a bench and deal with the all-guy area (that's how I've come to think of it). I'll manage, and like some of you said, I have just as much to be there as they do. 

I also faced the StairMaster today. I've been avoiding it with the logic I'm too fat for the StairMaster. Well, you're never to fat for the StairMaster! I was definitely slower than the guy next to me (yes, he was young and thin), but my average heart rate was 132, and I burned 236 calories in 30 minutes. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, and a lot more "fun" than the elliptical. More of a challenge and you can't cheat.

Food has been nearly perfect today. This is the fourth day in a row of eating healthy and exercising. It feels good to be back.

Where are all the fat people?

I took the day off from work. It was going to be a sort of mental health day for me, and catching up on chores. That idea ended quickly when my husband called as he was on his way to work and said his sister had texted him that their dad's blood pressure was less than 60/40 and the machine couldn't even read it. This is one of the signs that death is near.

My husband rushed home, we made a conference call to the hospice and his dad is doing "okay", and could hang on for days or weeks. He was asking for his Coke so they took that as a sign he's got a little life left in him. Plus he's still flirting with the young nurse, Ashley. She looks a lot like my mother-in-law did when she was young, absolutely gorgeous (they're divorced). Ashely calls my father-in-law her Romeo. He always wants a  hug and kiss from her. Guess he's not dead yet.

The hospice urged us to make arrangements for cremation, which we were suppose to do Monday, but my husband is really having a hard time dealing with everything. I called a few cremation services in Denver and made the arrangements. My husband headed back to work at noon.

I'm not close to my father-in-law, but watching my husband being torn apart over this is hard. In addition, he just started a new job two months ago so he can't really take time off and sit by his dad's bedside waiting for him to die.

So I bet you're wondering about the title of this post, "Where are all the fat people?". Well, I just back from the gym. I realized today why I hate my gym so much. I am the fattest and oldest person there, by at least 80 pounds and at least 20+ years. Everyone is height, weight proportionate, muscled or toned and they all appear to be under 30. I can't figure our what happened to all the fat, out-of-shape people that went to my old Ballys before they closed. I miss them!

My favorite thing at the gym, lifting free weights, isn't very fun anymore. First of all the free weight area is really tiny at L.A. Fitness compared to my old Ballys (it had three weight rooms). Then there are always young, twenty-something guys lifting extremely heavy free weights or cute young girls lifting five and ten-pound weights.

I know I need to get over this, and I belong there as much as they do, but I feel awkward and out of place. I never felt like this at Ballys. It's not going to stop me, and I'll keep going. I really don't have any other choice. I'm not disciplined enough to work out on my own at home, and it's the only gym in the area. Guess I'll just have to deal with being the fattest and the oldest person at the gym.