Life is like a bike ride - up a very steep hill

Yesterday I went for a bike ride in a nearby neighborhood that I've never been to before. I ended up on an extremely steep street as it wound down to the waterfront. Halfway down the hill I decided to stop and take a video (which didn't turn out).

When I was ready to take off again, I looked at how steep the hill was going down, I decided there was no way I could do it. I had a fear of flipping over head first. I'm use to hills, but this one was a suicide hill. I decided to turn around and head back up the hill. The problem, the hill was just as steep going up it as it was going down.

There were houses on one side and the waterfront on the other side. I kept thinking maybe there were people inside the houses watching me. My pride wouldn't let me push my bike up the hill. I thought I'm strong and powerful, I can do it.

After six failed attempts at getting my bike started back up the hill, after coming close to falling over and crashing to the pavement, I finally realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't bike up this hill starting at the mid-point. I swallowed my pride and pushed my bike up the hill. It was humiliating, but I had no other choice.

On my way home I starting thinking my bike ride is exactly how my weight loss has been for my entire life. Sometimes I just fly up the hills, sometimes I just can't do it and I fall, over and over I'll fall. My pride gets hurt, I'm humiliated with weight gains, and I finally, I just give up.

Right now I'm practically coasting downhill with my weight loss. I'm going through one of those "this is so damn easy, why was I struggling" phases. I'm smart enough to know the easy button won't last forever. It never does.

So why is my weight loss different this time? Why is this ride different than the other hundred plus times I've done this?

Number one is you. Yes, the you that is reading this right now. I feel like I owe you something, that I want you to know this can be done.

I'm just like you, I have a major problem with food. I love food a little too much, and it's been too big of a focus in my life. I use it for comfort and I use it for joy. I've struggled my entire life trying to get to a healthy weight and stay there. I want to prove to you it can be done by eating healthy, regular foods. I want to give you hope.

I know how hard it is to lose weight, I've been doing it since I was fourteen. I'm fifty-four. That's forty years of trying to lose weight. You would think with all that practice I  would have figured it out. The fact is I'm great at losing weight. I've lost hundreds of pounds over the years. My problem is that I've never kept the weight off for more than a year. I bet you're sitting there nodding your head yes, and thinking "me too!".

I want to show you this is possible. Believe me when I say this...if I can lose weight and keep it off, anyone can do it. Since I'm someone that's failed at this numerous times, it's logical that I'll fail at it again. Yet, I have confidence this time is different from all the other times. I'm not being cocky, and I'm not feeling like I'm superior or I have secret knowledge on how to do this. Or that I'm stronger or more disciplined than anyone else. In fact, just the opposite is true. I'm kind of lazy, I have no discipline, and my follow through on most things suck. Yet I truly believe I can do this, and I believe you can too.

There are some other things that are different this time around. It has a to do with my eating, how and what I'm eating. I have a post started which I'll publish later this week. I don't know if it'll help anyone else but it's working for me. Again, it's not secret information or any new revelation. It's just something I've been trying for the last three weeks that has kind of changed my life.

Speaking of bike rides, I think I'll go for one while the sun is still shining.

My weighin Saturday, March 28, 2010
I set the goal of 170 six weeks ago. I didn't quite make it, but close enough. I'm also losing a little faster than desired these last two weeks. The week before last I lost 3.2 pounds and then this week 2.8 pounds. That's a total of six pounds in two weeks. I was "talked to" by the weighin gal and then the Weight Watchers online weight tracker gave me a warning that I'm losing too fast.

I eat all the time (every three hours when I'm awake), but my night binges are under control. Plus I'm sleeping more these days, seven to eight hours a night.

Goal for next week, April 3, is 169.6.

My most favorite store
Of course it's a grocery store, what else would be my favorite store?! It's not just any store, it's HMart. I'm in love with this place. It's like a super store of Asian markets. It's huge.

It's a Korean store, but they carry all different kinds of Asian food and some American food too. The best part is their fresh produce section. It's unbelievable. For example, they have six different types of bok choy. The produce guys, who are all Korean, speak perfect English. The produce section is so huge they usually have four guys working in that area, putting out fresh produce. It's like a huge adventure every time I go there.

I wanted to take pictures because it's so amazing, but it turns out grocery stores have a rule of not taking pictures inside their stores. I got into big trouble at the Metropolitan Market in Seattle a couple weeks ago. I thought the guy was going to take my camera away from me. Stupid rule.

If you have an HMart near you, you absolutely must go visit it. It's always strange to me that there are so few Caucasians in this store. I was a towering blond amongst a sea of dark-haired, petite people. The variety of their produce and seafood is beyond amazing. I so love this store!

A few of my purchases yesterday (that's yucca in the middle - I'm making a Cuban dish with it tonight)

The neighbor cat, Bear. He's kind of in love with me. If I leave anything of mine laying anywhere, he curls up with it and goes to sleep. This was my iPod strap left on the bed. He curled up with it wrapped in his paw and went to sleep. He does the same thing with my clothes or my robe or my purse. Anything of mine, but not my husband's stuff. Which is odd because my husband is the one that keeps letting him in the house. I keep telling him to go home. Although he is pretty darn adorable.

A body worth keeping

I've had very few dreams in the last couple of years that I actually remembered when I woke up. Since I started sleeping more I've been remembering my dreams. Some of the dreams are good, some not so good, some borderline nightmares.

Last night was a good dream. I think it stemmed from something I've started doing every morning after I get out of the shower. The idea came from Mary, when she suggested to try and say something nice about our body.

I've been doing the opposite for years. Almost every day I've been saying something or several things bad about my body for as long as I can remember. During the past week, each day I've stood in front of the mirror, naked, and found something positive to focus on.

This little task is not always easy. My natural response is to immediately go for the negative. Hips too wide, thighs too fat, stomach sticks out too much. You know the routine.

Every morning  last week I said something nice to myself about my body. Nice shoulders, strong arms, narrow waist, strong legs. I also touch the body part and could feel the muscles underneath the skin. Skin that's 54 years old and has been stretched and shrunk many times with my yo-yo dieting. Even though it's not the taut skin of a 20-year old, it's still soft with firm muscle underneath in most areas.

I still turn sideways and stare at my belly with disdain, as well as the hips and thighs. However, I try to end each one of these morning evaluations with something positive. Love the shoulders Diana! Great triceps! Just one positive thing.

The dream last night was odd, but it was a good dream. I was doing the Camel yoga pose. It's the pose where you kneel, bend backwards arching your spine and grab your ankles, and stretch, tucking your hips in and thrusting out your chest.

While I was doing this, I was also outside my body. My other self was touching my naked back, admiring the firmness of it. My stomach didn't stick out since I was arched backwards. In my dream I didn't even notice my hips or my thighs. I just remember thinking what a strong body I had, that I liked it. That it was a good body.

It was just a dream, but I woke up thinking wow, that was profound. Was that my subconscious telling me it's okay that my hips are too wide and my thighs are fat? That I'm still strong and powerful and should be happier with my body.

Another thought I had when I woke up this morning is that I'll never be fat again. I know we all say that when we lose weight. It's the mantra I hear and read all the time. I've done it myself.

Recently I went back to some of my old posts where I said "85 pounds gone forever!". I was so cocky and so sure of myself. Then I gained 20 pounds. That knocked the wind right out of my sails.

I'm completely back on plan now and have been for about three weeks. I've made some significant changes in my eating which I'll write about in a later post. Things that we all know, but I never actually tried doing. There's no magic pill, but there are things that work like magic (with a little hard work thrown in).

I think I want to keep this body. If it means an hour at the gym every day for the rest of my life, I'm okay with it. I've been doing that for over two years now and it's really not that big of a deal. If it means I have to eat less but eat healthy, delicious foods, I can do that too. This body is worth any hard work it takes to keep it as healthy as possible for as long as possible. It's a body worth keeping.

I guess I found my words. :)

Please stay tuned

It's not that I can't think about anything to write, I just don't feel like writing. Yet I don't want anyone to think I've quit or given up or stopped blogging. I know it's silly to post about nothing.

Just letting you know I'm still here, still eating right, going to the gym, and my pants are feeling looser these days. I'm reading more blogs too, so that takes up what little free time I have in the evenings before I go to bed and to sleep by 8:30 p.m. every day.

A few pictures from a lunch out yesterday with my team from work. They chose a Japanese steakhouse, not my first choice. Especially because they always pour a ton of oil and add what I think is lard (it looks like yellow Crisco) to whatever they cook on the Hibachi. Even if you ask them not to do it, they still do it anyway. I had the Hibachi Chicken, but I only ate maybe 1/3 of it. I'm sure it was still very high in calories and fat (Points). Oh well, I took one for the team.

I promise I'll get my writing mojo back eventually. Just not feeling it today. :)

And yes, that's a fireman putting out the fire. Very classy.

 Most people think this is cool, I don't really like it because I feel like I'm going to catch on fire.

Sorry...just can't find my words tonight

Ducks at the Angle Lake, near my office

I guess I'm going through a little something. Not really depression, just taking stock of my life. Trying to figure out if I'm really living my best life. My automatic answer to that question is no.

The food and exercise are going well. No crazy binges, no cravings, just me eating right, tracking my Points. Going to the gym. Boring stuff.

My favorite new dessert, frozen Red Muscat grapes - to die for. One cup is one Point. A green diamond filling food.

Sorry, no big revelations about anything.

Later.

Remembering Army Private First Class Erin McLyman - A real war hero

Driving home tonight I noticed the large flag next to the ball field was flying at half mast. The wind was blowing hard and the flag was at 90 degrees from the flag pole, as though it was saluting those passing by. Every time I see a flag at half mast my heart sinks because in Washington state that usually means another fallen soldier.

This young lady, U.S. Army Private First Class Erin McLyman, died in Iraq last week from a mortar attack supporting Iraqi Operation Freedom. A real war. Her story is amazing because she completely turned her life around as a teenager, but her life has had a sad ending.

My heart and prayers go out to her new husband and her family and all the other soldiers fighting for freedom.

Sunday update: It' not really a war

I managed to get to the gym this morning. After three days of bed rest and nursing my cold, it wasn't an easy workout. Thirty minutes on the StairMaster and 40 minutes of upper body strength training. I felt weaker than usual, but I got through it.

While I was on the StairMaster I was thinking about my post from earlier this morning, about it being a war trying to stay on track. I insinuated every day is a battle, but that's not really true. Some days are definitely difficult, some days are easier. Sometimes it feels like there's an internal battle of wills going on in my head, eat this but don't eat that, or don't eat at all.

There are times I just want to stop thinking about food, stop thinking about Points, and just let it be. Unfortunately, that type of thinking is what got me up to my highest weight of 245 pounds.

I believe it's wrong to think of this as a war. I can't live in a constant state of battle, fighting with myelf about doing the "right" thing when it comes to food. Constantly condemning myself for making the wrong choice serves no real purpose except to lower my already low self-esteem.

My ultimate goal is to make peace with food. To eat when hungry, to not overeat for comfort. Basically I want to eat to live, not live to eat. I don't want to constantly have the fight going on in my head about food.

I don't want to live in a battleground about food on a daily basis. That's not sustainable for the long run, and I'm in this for the long run. Whether I'll ever reach that goal of making peace with how I deal with food is yet to be seen, but it's something I'm striving towards.

Lost a battle but not the war

Last night I had a little slip. I went to bed at 8 p.m., exhausted from being awake all day and fighting my cold. I took a dose of NyQuil and fell asleep immediately.

At midnight I was wide awake and ravenous. No matter how hard I fought with myself to go back to sleep, I couldn't do it. I felt hungry and finally after tossing and turning for about thirty minutes, I headed to the kitchen for a snack. Just a little something so I could go back to sleep. It felt like I was sleep walking, but I was aware enough to not go totally crazy.

I decided on an Oroweat Sandwich Thin with Weight Watcher whipped cream cheese. I didn't measure the cream cheese, but it was about three tablespoons. I also had about a cup and a half of fresh strawberries. Total value of four Points, which I added to the tracker under yesterday making it a 33.5 Point day. Ouch.

Certainly not my best day, but I could have done a lot worse. Remember the cup of pecans I had a few weeks ago for 20 Points? Along with a variety of other foods in the middle of the night. I didn't even bother to keep track of what I was eating during those middle of the night rampages.

I lost the battle of wills last night, but it was just one night and a minor infraction. That kind of thing is going to happen. I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be perfect. The war continues.